The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 5: “I DON’T LIKE HIM.”

Video by MWN

Stop pls. Osher has new glasses and he’s waiting for someone to say something.

His job has taken a toll on his eyes, what with the counting of the roses and the reading of the cards. Now, he’s interrupted everyone just before bed which is both inappropriate and unnecessary.

As he whips out the single date card, someone remarks “HOW DOES HE DO THAT?” What? How does he do… what?

But Osher looks chuffed. He’s impressed them with his delivery skills – mission accomplished.

"Sorry to wake you. It was important."

It's Florence who wins the single date, which we're sure has absolutely nothing to do with the 'Dutch Lessons' she organised for Matty at the last cocktail party.

Anywho - it turns out we like Flo mostly because of her ambivalence towards Matty J/this show/romance in general.

Before her date she says, "Who says I'm interested in him? It's a two way street," and it's clear she's this season's answer to Olena, the beautiful Eastern European blonde who starts questioning The Bachelor franchise all while somehow thriving within it.

Advertisement

It's complicated. It's problematic. It's exciting.

"I just don't really know him that well."

Matty meets Flo on a rooftop in Olympic Park, and starts pointing out landmarks. Flo speaks for all of us when within 13 seconds she says, "I don't care about the view..."

Matty feels awks because this was all he had planned, so he makes something up about how they're jumping off the building. Flo's all like "eh, yeah, sounds fine".

But as they prepare to... launch themselves off a roof for no reason, they both become nervous. Probably because they've come to terms with just how embarrassing it would be to legitimately die on The Bachelor. 

It's at this point we both realise how desperately we want someone to actually shit themselves on this show. Just once. Now that would be a real test of love and commitment and 'you get my sense of humour' etc etc.

Unfortunately no one shits themselves, BUT they do play weird music while very slowly descending from the building.

"I'd be so pissed off."

After 45 minutes they hit the ground and hug because they didn't have to die on The Bachelor, and Matty announces that there's more.

We cross back to the house where Cobie is crying because her boyfriend is on a date with another woman, and we're sorry but sweetie we really can't right now.

Matty takes Flo to make a cast of their hands and Flo calls it "weird" and "cheesy" mostly because that's exactly what it is. She also reflects that she's never done this before on a first date, and REALLY? YOU'VE NEVER CREATED A CAST OF YOUR HANDS ON A FIRST DATE? NOT ONCE? HOW ODD.

Matty asks if she misses her family/home in Amsterdam and her response can be summed up as: Eh, I don't really give a f*ck. Matty is pleased.

They kiss, Matty gives her a rose, and Flo thinks the date went... fine.

When she returns to the house, everyone interrogates her about whether or not she kissed Matty, and she literally cannot be bothered being 'coy' so just straight up tells them 'yes'.

But guys, Cobie is fine. 

"Helium has quite the come-down."

It's so fine that Matty kissed someone else.

... Cobie?

"I'm so happy 4 u!"

No really, she is SO. FINE. So fine. 

She has never ever been this fine before. Seriously - she doesn't need her helium. She's off that now... it was just a one time thing.

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING it's group date time.

Except this week it's just the two women who Matty likes the least, and thus who he has already decided will go home, battling it out to stay an extra week. Or maybe two. Cool.

Liz jokes "It's going to be you Jen!" but the joke's on her because she's going with Jen. Lol. Anyway, Jen cries because she just put brownies in the oven and she's not going to be there when they're all warm and gooey.

"I know you will babe."

On the way to some dark cabin in the woods, Liz says, "I'm not going to jump through any hoops to get his attention," which we're fairly certain is like... the whole point of this game.

Matty, Liz and Jen have a tense conversation, where both women are trying to put the other one down without looking like bad people. They both fail, obviously.

Matty clearly wants nothing to do with either of them, but Osher made him promise to keep one - and Matty would never hurt Osher like that.

Liz speaks exactly like she's in a job interview, insisting that she really loves Sydney, and has great family and also friends. When asked about a relationship she says, "It's like a bank account... you've gotta keep putting money in it, because if you just keep taking out..."

"DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT BANK ACCOUNTS."

Matty has a sneaking suspicion that Liz has been going through his bank account and withdrawn large amounts of money, so he sends her home, and she just disappears into the darkness. At no point does she retrieve her belongings.

Jen is waiting impatiently, mostly because she wants to get back to her brownies. Matty returns and says he sent Liz home because she skimmed his credit cards. He tries to compliment her on "parts of her personality" but they both know it's bullshit, so she takes her rose and leaves.

When she returns to their house, everyone unequivocally believes that Jen murdered Liz.

"Be straight with us, Jen."

Jen stands in front of everyone and yells, "He thinks I'm really beautiful, he thinks I'm funny, he loves that I'm really really confident, he thinks that that's a really attractive quality for a woman to possess," and it's awkward because well, we were there, and none of that happened.

They ask Jen if they kissed and in the ultimate boss move she says, "I'm not going to answer that question today."

"... He said he hated you. And you. Soz."

MMMM, GURL.

Despite Jen's best efforts, the cocktail party goes ahead and one of the ~ faces ~ (Sian, apparently her name is Sian) keeps yelling "WHY AM I HERE?"

Well. Sian, up until five seconds ago we didn't know you were.

Nevertheless it's the truest thing anyone has ever said in seven seasons of this franchise. As she's having an existential crisis, Matty takes Laura to the Secret Garden and gives her a rose bla bla everyone's mad.

Sian starts doing that thing Jen does, where she asks rhetorical questions and then answers them herself.

"Did he come and talk to me? No. Do I think I'm going home? Yeah. Do I give a shit? .... No."

Sian... you're.... crying.

The cameras keep following her around the mansion, even though she's having a very legitimate and also understandable breakdown.

"HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO."

She's quit her life to go on this show and Matty legit probably thinks she's one of the producers.

Sian goes into the bathroom and yells "I'M LEAVING. I DON'T LIKE HIM. I'M BETTER THAN THIS."

Babe, we are all better than this.

Her frustrations are so valid, and she cannot for the life of her remember why she is in a property in the middle of nowhere fighting for the attention of a guy she doesn't even sort of know. She decides she's going to exit.

But that does not at all fit with the producer's plan of having her kicked out tonight, so some rogue woman insists she chat to Matty who's just a REGULAR totally DOWN TO EARTH guy about her concerns.

As she approaches, Matty asks if he can get a top up and if there are any spring rolls out the back.

Eventually, Sian tells him that it's got nothing to do with him, but she hates the situation - which isn't what it sounded like when she was yelling "I DON'T LIKE HIM" but eh.

She decides to stay even though at no point does Matty suggest she should.

"Hi, I'm Matty J!"

It's rose ceremony time and the ladies are sensing that Matty is acting weird.

Look. He clearly wants to send Sian home but it's awkward because just moments ago she was full like "I'm 100 per cent staying".... Nurrr.

There's lots of intense stares and then Matty picks up a rose before PUTTING IT BACK DOWN OMG WHAT COULD THIS MEAN IS HE RUNNING OMG DID OSH COUNT THE ROSES WRONG WHAT IS HAPPENING.

And then... we're straight up click-baited with a "To be continued", which is like implicit in a serialised television show but whatever.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here

JOIN THE CONVERSATION
FROM OUR NETWORK