We are 508 episodes deep into this season of The Bachelor, and currently we are sick of the following:
- People and their feelings
- Matty goddamn J
- Any and all modes of transport
Because we’re getting serious (this show is not serious) about Matty’s final decision, Channel 10 purchased a piece of technology they believe is called a ‘drone’.
This ‘drone’ is capturing Matty surfing at the beach while he does a very deep think about which of his girlfriends he would most like to keep.
As he looks into the distance, it is clear that Osher has given him one task and one task only.
Put together a pros and cons list for each girlfriend, and then entirely disregard that list for whoever gives your penis the most feelings. His list looks like this:
- Three-legged dog called Buster
- Nice hair and face
- Intensely in love with her
POST CONTINUES BELOW: Listen to the latest episode of Bach Chat.
- Hard to draw
- Says things like, "I'm literally blown away," despite being very much stationary
- Enthusiastic about activities especially when they don't make sense
- Nice hair and face
- Actually funny... like ha-ha
- Drinks too much red bull
- Would yell at formal events, like funerals
- Brother wants to cut off my penis while I sleep
- Dad seems sweet with the whole thing
- Nice hair and face
- Might be able to get me backstage at the Olympics
- Better at hockey than me
- Thought she was waitstaff in mansion until two weeks ago
Pros and cons list... FIN.
Matty says the dates this week are the most important so far which is a frustratingly banal thing to say because... obviously.
First up, Matty picks Laura up from the side of the road to drive in a car he likes and how is this fun for anyone, but most of all, us.
Laura laughs even though nothing that's happened is remotely funny, and then Matty demands she LOOK AT THE COAST LINE and take it all in. He then proceeds to straight up speed while laughing about it, and if Osher was here - he'd be having precisely none of this kind of behaviour.
They arrive at a cliff and FFS if we are forced to witness one more person jump off a thing we are going to calmly turn off the television and walk away.
Laura and Matty parachute or paraglide or parasail (we literally give zero shits) and via walkie talkies they repeatedly say to each other "how amazing is this!", "this is so amazing!", and Jesus Christ this doesn't make for good television.
Matty then takes Laura to a couch in the middle of nowhere, which is another plot point we'd like to interrogate.
Why? But also, how? But also, why?
Matty reminisces about their first date, when he was meant to sketch Laura but actually drew a demon. "I wish I drew something that gave justice to the fact you are really pretty," he says, and we do not wish that because the devil woman is the best thing that happened this season.
He then reveals a revised portrait, which we're pretty sure he just had professionally done, and we're mad because it's not funny. At all. Also, why do you keep drawing Laura for...? It's not... necessary.
Because Laura knows Matty no longer sees her as a demon lady, she says, "I am utterly falling in love with you... and it is truly the best feeling in the world," and he responds, "It's incredibly nice to hear you say these things," which is what every woman wants said to them.
For future reference, this is Matty's smug face when a woman says she's falling in love with him, and he stares at her in silence.
It's all very nice, and it becomes clear that tonight Matty is going to make every woman tell him how much she loves him, right before he dumps one of them.
Next, he meets Elise at a train station which seems sort of... low key?
Anywho, they get on some old train that doesn't move but somehow takes them somewhere and then all of a sudden they're sitting by a camp fire, which seems both cold and uncomfortable, and Matty is making Elise promise she loves him.
She obliges, and he does his smug face.
It's Tara's single date, and Jesus they're going on a seaplane, which begs the question HOW MANY TIMES CAN TWO PEOPLE GO IN THE AIR FOR LITERALLY NO REASON.
They travel in the seaplane to a yacht, and within a twenty minute period we've officially covered every possible mode of transport which is something no one asked for and is arguably getting in the way of Matty actually making any sort of considered decision.
Tara tells him, "I don't want these other people in the picture any more. I'm sick of them. I want them to just go. And I want to have you all to myself. And I don't want to be told that you have to leave all the time".
Matty says lots of things about how she's becoming more and more beautiful, and as they stand and watch the sunset, he says, "Nothing would make me happier than being in this moment forever..."
At this point we start to develop... suspicions.
We're eerily close to the end of the episode and it's not at all clear who Matty is going to send home.
This means he's been lying.
And we don't appreciate being lied to.
It's rose ceremony time, and Osher does some complex maths to determine that Matty has to send one girlfriend home, in order to have two girlfriends meet his family.
First, it's Laura. And then...
No, he wouldn't.
This isn't going to happen.
OH GOD NO. PLS NO. THIS AIN'T RIGHT.
It's Elise, and we think Matty has broken Tara.
She's coming down off the red bulls and this is super real.
Everything is fun, until you get dumped on the television.
She says, "I was never scared to fall in love....
"I am heartbroken... I didn't want it to end. I'm devastated."
This information has ruined our day, nay, our week.
YOU SAID SHE MADE YOU HAPPY AND THAT YOU NEVER WANTED IT TO END AND THAT YOU MISSED HER AND IT WAS ALL A LIE.
NO. WE ARE DONE.
YOU HAVE BROKEN OUR HEARTS AND SET THEM ON FIRE AND THEN SPAT ON THEM WHICH IS RUDE BUT ALSO INCONSIDERATE.
We don't even want to watch tomorrow night (we're obviously watching tomorrow night).
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