The Twins recap The Bachelor episode 12: "I embarrassed myself. I wish it never happened."


There’s a thing Osher regularly does that we haven’t talked about and it’s time.

It’s… it’s when he knocks on a surface once he’s already entered the room.

Osher, sweetie, you’re already here and knocking is generally a thing you do to the front of the door so that people can let you in.

But you’re already present. And more importantly, you are always welcome.

"Who's ther.. Oh, Osher's already in the lounge room."

Everyone wants time with Matty which is surprising and also something we would like to hear said in seven different ways by seven different women. Flo wins and we're happy because she's still reaping the benefits of cheating in that game a few weeks back, and that is an important lesson to us all.

She arrives in an empty field in the middle of nowhere, and it was nice for Matty to pick her up.

Except he didn't, because for some reason he's arriving in a helicopter.

Flo says, "Omg I've never been in a helicopter!" and Matty says, "Neither have I!" which is a lie because he just arrived in a helicopter.

POST CONTINUES BELOW: Michelle Andrews and Zara McDonald discuss tonight's episode of The Bachelor. 

They fly over Sydney and try to out-adjective one another, describing their surroundings as, "stunning", "amazing", "beautiful", "romantic", and how fun is it finding synonyms for a word you've already used.

Flo can't believe what a great time she's having and we just wish that for once someone hated their date. Like, they got period on their pants, or were too cold, or their mum couldn't stop calling them because she wanted to know how to 'share something to the Facebook'. It's all becoming too... predictable.


Matty then decides they're going to do pottery and make something for one another, which is an astonishingly boring date idea, and also a strange thing to do in the wilderness.

Surprisingly, while Matty has won prizes for pottery, Florence has never done it before, so they laugh and laugh about her incompetence - which is Matty's favourite kind of date.

Flo has had enough, so she just decides to sculpt a penis and that's okay. 

"Hahah ahah."

Matty then gets up behind her to help, but straight up starts masturbating rubbing the wet clay penis in a downwards but also circular motion, and then the whole scene is abandoned and no one appears to leave with any pottery. Cool.

They manage to find a couch/champagne/food in the national park which is very lucky, but also definitely hasn't been approved by the park rangers which makes us nervous. Matty demands that Flo gets serious because it's their second date for goodness sake.

When Matty tries to flirt with his eyes Florence looks confused and asks, "What are you doing?" and we like it very much.


The women are in active wear at a park because while Matty has seen them in formal wear, beach wear, casual wear, boat wear and date wear it's important they also satisfy him in lycra and that they don't have all-white New Balance runners with high socks which would inevitably cause problems later.


Osher is in attendance but has been strictly told he is to have nothing to do with games/rules/prizes because... well, we all know why.

They needed to stop

The ladies are asked to write down their fears on wooden boards which they will then break with their fists and OMG WE DON'T CARE.

Lisa reflects on how she needs more time, but she's afraid she won't have enough time, and then she spends her only time with Matty for the day explaining that she doesn't feel like she has enough time.

Matty wants to know how she'd like to confront that fear and she's all like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  because basically it just all rests on Matty giving her more time, which isn't in her control. He's disappointed in her attitude.


They're then gathered to read out and punch through their fears and Cobie starts uncontrollably crying. Tara wins and no one knows why.


Tara's time with Matty J is uneventful but PAUSE.

It's the cocktail party and Elora's going rogue mostly because, along with us, she's bored AF and when is this show going to end.

Everyone's spent far too many hours contemplating/repeating that they want time alone with Matty, so when Elora takes him aside she gets nervous and aggressively pushes him behind a curtain to kiss him. This would be fine, except that Matty has six other girlfriends and an Osher who are all present on the premises, and although it's perfectly acceptable for one man to date seven women at once, it's not okay for him to kiss them in front of each other. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT IT'S JUST THE RULES.


Matty says he doesn't want to kiss her and actually uses the word "disrespectful" which makes us feel embarrassed and we weren't even there. Elora suddenly feels uncomfortable about that time she shepherded a grown man behind a curtain against his will and was publicly rejected, and walks away feeling... profound shame.

"Don't cry for me, I'm already dead."

When she returns the women are all like, "Hey Elora, why do you look like you want to die?" and she's all like, "I don't want to talk about it," but the women SAW WITH THEIR OWN EYES that she tried to kiss their shared boyfriend in a communal space and everyone's pissed, mostly Elora.

"You should have had my back..."

"I embarrassed myself big time," she says. "I wish it never happened... It was very, very awkward."

Every part of Elora wants to crawl into the hole where Osher mysteriously emerges from twice a week, but alas she must face the rose ceremony. In the end Lisa goes home, because literally two weeks ago she supposedly said she didn't like Matty and believes he is just here to up his social profile and everyone just forgot about it?


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