Last night, Michelle the rogue policewoman didn’t receive a rose (R.I.P), but she isn’t the one we should be feeling sorry for right now.
This show is about one person, and one person only.
You see, now Jen doesn’t trust anyone to talk
to at about her feelings. All the remaining women insist on sharing their thoughts/feelings/opinions, and to be honest, that’s not really what Jen is all about.
So as of tonight, she
mostly only speaks to the camera.
As Jen is processing the conventions of conversation, Tara asks, 'so who hasn't been on a single date?' which seems patronising and also... we all goddamn know.
Out of nowhere and WITHOUT WARNING Osher emerges, and everyone squeals. In his most self aware moment as a TV personality, Osher says, "Deep inside I pretend you’re happy to see me, but I know you want me for one thing". Oh sweetie... that got too real.
No one argues with him, and they snatch the date card out of his hand before asking him to leave.
Elise gets the single date and it's something to do with a double decker bus and FFS Matty you lived in London for like two months.
POST CONTINUES BELOW: Zara McDonald and Michelle Andrews debrief on the latest episode of The Bachelor.
As Elise boards the bus, Matty mentions he actually lived in London for four years, and honestly, we don't care if you lived in London up until yesterday - a double decker bus is super unnecessary.
He gives Elise a tour of the places that mean the most to him in Sydney, and we're struggling to cope with the inefficiency involved in transporting two human beings around the city in a f*cking double decker bus. It's... the environment... and the... traffic... but mostly... the size. We can't.
Matty stops the bus to jump out and get flowers, and we're sure it must have been a breeze to stop a GIGANTIC BUS outside a FLORIST in what appears to be BONDI.
Matty says "it's a little bit special that I'm doing this for Elise," and... okay.
Back at the mansion, Jen is attempting to connect with the other girls. While they talk about being excited for Elise on her date, Jen says, "I want to be happy for her but I'm really pissed off. When she got a date I was like 'you bitch.'" Oh honey, no.
Over on Elise's date, Matty is making her appreciate the view of a city she herself used to live in from a park and this is our worst nightmare. It's boring for everyone, but mostly us.
Matty senses this date has been a lot about him, in that he has decided everything they've done and spoken exclusively about himself, so he announces they're going to play hockey - a sport that Elise represented Australia in.
"Because you've played for Australia and I've never picked up one of these sticks before..." Matty begins, and we swear to god we hear him say under his breath, "I'm probably still better than you." Men everywhere nod in agreement.
They compete and Matty is shocked at Elise's skill in a sport she played professionally.
After like an hour, Matty accidentally stops one of her shots from going in, which she is taking in high heels... on grass... and yells "I'M THE BEST HOCKEY PLAYER THAT'S EVER LIVED". This is a far more profound allegory for life as a woman in 2017 than anyone intended.
Next minute there's a boat and then they're in a spa because Matty likes her now so the next logical step is to see her in a bikini. They kiss because she's the second best hockey player in this spa and also her body/face.
GROUP DATE TIME PLS and goodness Osher is in boardies.
Matty says he wants to see what the girls are like with each other and oh sweetie, no you don't. Osher's organised another round of activities for the women to compete in, but this time, he's been told to take a step back. You see, he's been getting too excited. So excited that he forgets key components of a competition, such as supervision, but also a prize.
It's clear that these competitions have been stripped back and simplified. We've got cricket. We've got throwing a thong into an esky. You know... classic Aussie games.
Lisa and Elise are chosen as captains and have to select the members of their teams one by one - an exercise we all learned was socially brutal in approximately Year 6.
Jen decides she will win at all costs, but forgets that the ultimate point of all of this (if there is one) is for Matty to like her, so kinda sacrifices one for the other, which is fine.
She yells a lot about strategy, how she's "an excellent fielder so is being wasted as a bowler," and speaks far too seriously about throwing a thong into an esky - but Jesus Christ Jen none of this matters.
Ultimately, Jen's team loses, and the girls who have had the most Matty time get to go for a dinner. Jen's pissed off and says something about Lisa "pulling the wool over his eyes" and we've never known one human being to speak in so many cliches.
It's the cocktail party and Jen is going to start some shit because earlier today she caught tennis balls in a fishing net for no reason.
She takes Matty aside and says that there are some girls who are "one thing in the house and one thing to you".
Jen really doesn't want to tell Matty, she really doesn't, but Lisa said she's a) not attracted to him b) sees him as a brother and c) believes he's only here to increase his social status.
No offence Matty, but like, Lisa effing hates you.
Matty decides the best thing to do is speak to Lisa, given that he assumes most of what Jen says is made up. While he confronts Lisa about what she's meant to have said, a bunch of the girls overhear and ask Jen why she, um, did that.
Elise asks Jen if she actually heard Lisa say those things and, well, no she did not. She just keeps yelling "I WAS JUST LOOKING OUT FOR MATTY," and "I'M SO OVER THESE BITCHES" and the producers are feeding her champagne as a reward.
Jen is crying but also being... mad... as she yells, "I am THE game changer, not A game changer," and THIS ISN'T MEANT TO BE A GAME, JEN. THAT ENDED WITH THE VOLLEYBALL.
She says, "I would not trust them as far as I could throw them," and, JEN NO. While we do believe that at this point she would actually throw a person, we're officially done with Jen and her cliches.
Jen tells the producers she did nothing to deserve this and then straight up decides to leave.
No one is clear on why, especially Jen.
"I'm the girl that walked away from Matty J. That's me," she says as she struts out while also uncontrollably crying.
Jen, we will miss you and your fundamental misunderstanding of this show.
There's no rose ceremony and we can just see Osher standing in the room all on his own with the roses laid out wearing his suit while crickets chirp in the silence and it's all just too sad.
UNTIL NEXT WEEK.
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