Tonight is the night The Daily Mail ruined for us all weeks ago.
… Thanks… ?
Last year, Sportsbet had Osher as a potential winner. And they don’t this year. Which is disappointing and also hurtful.
But that’s how certain everyone is that Laura’s going to win this competition, and every time Matty says anything to another woman/man/object we start yelling YOU BE LYIN’ BOY, which is getting tiresome.
Anywho, everyone QUIET. It’s time to watch Matty break Elise’s heart. Shhh.
We begin with legitimately the exact same footage as last night, which is awkward because… we saw it already.
Ah shit everyone's talking about their feelings and we can't anymore because it's all so repetitive.
OH THEY'RE IN THAILAND PLS.
Osher is on a boat offering a) context and b) commentary which was largely missing from last night's episode, and honestly we didn't know who was who and what was what.
We are then provided with the one thing desperately missing from all of our lives: A montage of Laura saying how much she likes Matty J, followed by, a montage of Elise saying how much she likes Matty J.
Matty's family have flown over to another country to meet the two women he is dating simultaneously, which is the equivalent to us turning to the person we sit next to and saying: "Hey, you wanna grab a coffee? Let's go to Beirut."
NO THERE'S A COFFEE SHOP RIGHT OUTSIDE YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ON A PLANE.
Listen: Zara McDonald and Michelle Andrews recap The Bachelor finale. Post continues after audio.
As we've been repeatedly reminded this season, Matty's sister Kate can't fly over because she's pregnant and Matty finds it "disappointing". Er, sorry that her pregnancy detracted from your trip to Thailand with your two girlfriends and family?? (We're not sorry).
Anywho - none of this marginally explains why the infamous George couldn't be in attendance.
George would know.
Having landed in Thailand for precisely no reason at all, we meet Matty's three brothers and mother.
From the outset it's very clear that Matty's mum is particularly good television talent and we think she needs to be hosting her own day time talk show, like Ricki Lake, but with less... bullshit.
It's also clear that Matty is either adopted or this is not his real family, because he looks more like the table than he does like any of them.
Elise says she really wants to meet Matty's family, which is unusual and also highly surprising.
Her banter level is higher than we expected and Matty keeps bragging about how she went to the Olympics bla bla they all act like they're super into hockey when realistically very few people are super into hockey.
Matty's brother takes Elise aside and demands "HOW MANY LOVERS HAVE YOU HAD IN THE PAST" and something about the word 'lovers' makes us want to... die.
She replies with a line she's only used 61 times this season, "I don't fall for people very often," and JESUS we've heard so many cliches we don't know what any of them mean anymore.
When she gets back to the fam she starts talking about how much she loves the ocean AND EVERYONE LOVES THE F*CKING OCEAN FIND US SOMEONE WHO HATES THE OCEAN.
Oh and everyone is calling Matty 'Matt' now and it's hugely unsettling.
His mum now wants Elise, pls, and takes her aside for a 'QWICKCHAT'. Ugh. Less talking about feelings, more ads.
It's clear Mrs. Matty J has fallen deeply in love with Elise and it's slightly confronting. She makes Elise tell her she loves Matty and then asks how she's going to feel when she is likely dumped. It's all very cool. Casual. Normal.
As Elise leaves, Matty's mum says, "If this doesn't work out then you can take your pick of Matty's brothers," and Elise politely... declines.
Now it's Laura's turn and she tells us, "There's a little bit of me that just hopes this goes wonderfully..." Oh. How about... how about the other part?
Nevermind. Laura gets nervous and loses her shit by speaking about her jewellery business for 40 minutes without breathing and it gives us severe anxiety.
Someone tries to speak at one point and she cuts them off to keep talking about something no one cares about. Matty tries to shush her but she cannot hear over all the speaking she's doing.
It makes us not want to be in Thailand anymore.
A rogue brother says, "I don't feel like he's completely compatible with her," and we think he's worried that this is just what Christmas will be like now.
Matty's other brother Tom yells over the top of her "LET'S GO FOR A CHAT SO I CAN SAY A THING," and she obliges.
He judges her for not being able to list off the top of her head 10 hobbies and... no one has hobbies. But most people do have made up hobbies, which Laura failed at.
Matty's mum then wants to talk to her about anything other than her business, and let the boys sit in silence for a little while to recover.
Laura announces she loves him and cries, and we don't know whether the tears are love related, or to do with how highly embarrassed she is for her... behaviour.
It's final date time and THANK GOD BECAUSE YOU BEEN LYIN' MATTY J and we are getting closer to exposing the lies.
Our notes on this section of the episode are as follows:
Elise: "I'm really proud of doing it" DOING WHAT WHAT IS HAPPENING JGHDFKJG
WE ARE DONE
Couch sitting how did they get it to middle of Thailand village
During the couch bit Elise declares her love for Matty and he sits in silence.
It's Laura's final date, and she begins by embarking on a 25 minute tangent about how she's never been in a helicopter and it's exciting because now she's going in a helicopter.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT HELICOPTERS.
Laura proceeds to describe what all of us can already see and says it's "serenely beautiful". We want to gouge our eyes out.
Eventually they get to an elephant refuge and... oh. We meet Versailles.
We don't know if that's how you spell it but let's just go with it because her name is pronounced ver-sigh... like the palace?? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
VERSAILLES IS THE ONLY REDEEMING THING IN THIS EPISODE WIF LITTLE HAIRS ON HER HEAD.
They wash Versailles, and every time Matty and Laura start making out/hugging/flirting Versailles gets pissed off and starts spurting water from her trunk as if to say, "look mate there's some dirt behind my right ear that needs some attending to". We like Versailles very much.
We hope that Versailles is the intruder.
They then abandon Versailles and go on a Thai gondala which sounds made up.
"Amazing. Everything about today's been amazing. Amazing," Laura says, and as if to say, "shhhhhh shut up," it starts raining very, very hard.
This is Laura getting saturated in torrential rain:
This is us getting saturated in torrential rain:
After they both nearly drown in their gondola, they go to a couch and Laura says, "I've fallen in love with you..." before saying to the camera with a surprised tone, "I want to be with him...."
IT'S 56 MINUTES IN, WE KNOW.
But... was it worth the risk?? Why won't SOMEBODY tell us if it was worth the risk!? (Spoiler alert: It WAS worth the risk).
NOW IT IS TIME for Matty to decide and the production team are trying so hard to make this suspenseful and exciting. So hard. But we know.
OR DO WE, IDK IDK.
Nah we do.
Ugh just let Elise put her foot outside the car/boat/helicopter first and have it be over with.
Oh Osher's back!
"I'm in love now," Matty says, and Osher laughs inappropriately.
Omg the music is starting to make us think that maybe we don't know. But we do know... don't we?
AND WE KNEW IT WE NEVER EVEN DOUBTED IT.
Oh. But then we remember that this whole thing is actually really sad.
"You were so worthy of being happy," Matty says, and we watch Elise's face drop. "And I'm so sorry. But that was not with me."
"I know how hard this is."
Elise is stoic and composed, before walking away and breaking down in legit tears.
"I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back..." she says as they drive her to... the airport?? Where is her luggage? Has she checked out already? Jesus Christ no one wants to be on an island in the middle of Thailand when you've just been dumped.
AND WHY DID THEY TAKE A BOAT WHEN THERE'S OBVIOUSLY A ROAD COZ SHE'S BEING DRIVEN AWAY IN A CAR.
"Right now I am confused as to whether it was worth it," Elise says. And look. We're mad.
Because he been lyin'.
Today, Matty told a magazine that he had met Laura before the show and we feel like this season wasn't at all necessary.
Now it's Laura's turn.
She gets off the boat and hears Matty's spiel about what he wanted.
And then he tells her he's fallen in love.
DAMMIT how do we have feelings about this... it's weirdly romantic. Everyone's crying even Osher (unconfirmed) and there's music etc. and we're genuinely... happy for them? IDK IDK.
SO LONG, FRENS! Well, literally until next week's Bachelorette.
You can follow Clare and Jessie on Facebook, here.