People are sharing their awkward sex stories on Reddit and we officially want to become monks and live the rest of our days in celibacy.
Seriously, sex is cancelled.
We do not want.
Speaking of cringe, watch Mamamia staff reveal their Tinder stories. Post continues after…
We do, however, want very much to read/laugh/cry at said stories, because pushing ourselves to the very limits of second-hand embarrassment until one day it actually kills us, is what the internet is for, right?
We also decided to pool some our own from the Mamamia office, and I now know my colleagues on a level of intimacy I wasn’t quite prepared for.
From the hilarious, to the shocking, to the “how quickly can I leave the country”, here are the most mortifying sex stories we’ve ever heard, split conveniently into categories for your cringing pleasure.
(And all names have been changed… because, well, the reasons will became very obvious.)
In the “bodily functions” category, we have:
Rachael – “A guy was doing it from behind and suddenly I saw blood spray all over the wall in front of me and he was going ‘oh my god, oh my god, oh my god’. Turned out he’d had stitches in his hand and they had burst open. I had no idea what was happening but it was kind of scary.”
Simone – “One time a guy went down on me, but when he emerged he was COVERED in blood. Terrifying amounts of blood – it looked like a crime scene. On his forehead, dripping down his neck, all over the insides of my legs. Obviously I was mortified because I thought it was me and didn’t know what to do, but it turns out he had ruptured a blood vessel in his nose.”
Rose – “Once when me and my boyfriend were in the middle of doing it; it was dark and there seemed to be a lot of… moisture… so I turned on the light and realised one of us had a nose bleed. We weren’t even sure who it was for a sec cause there was so much blood.”
Kate – “I was super drunk and giving a guy I was seeing head when all of a sudden I felt the urge to vomit. I did – projectile – allllll over him… He was super nice about it but we didn’t see each other for much longer after that…”
Sophie – “A guy I was seeing once asked me to put a sex toy up his bum. I was a little apprehensive but also drunk, so was like, hey why not. I did it and he shit everywhere.”
And from the wonderful world of Reddit: “Had a guy freak out on where to put his ‘stuff’. I told him it didn’t matter. (I’m on bc) He starts to panic, dick in hand, squats down and cums on the floor. That was the last time I spoke to him.”
And: “Had an ex queef one time during sex. She looked me right in the eyes and said in a sexual tone, ‘She’s talking to you.’ I laughed so hard about that one for YEARS.”
Moving swiftly along to the “environmentally-impacted” trysts:
Tara – “The first time I had sex, right after my boyfriend finished I rolled over, fell off the bed and sandwiched myself between the wall and the mattress. I was stuck for about half a minute like an upside-down turtle.”