Welcome to episode two of Australian Survivor.
It’s days three and four of castaway life and Jonathan LaPaglia is back with his finest form-fitting tee. Thank God, is really all I can say.
Having (sort of) settled into their new remote lives and already voted off the first competitor, the three tribes now begin to get down to the gritty business of establishing their camps and forming those all-important alliances.
Hey, LaPa! Source: Australian Survivor.
Within minutes of the episode starting, Aganoa member Kristy has gone full crazy-eyed ham, accusing her tribe members of stealing her possessions and thinking she's not smart enough to know what's going on.
Mostly, the rest of Aganoa just look on confused as to what the actual eff the account executive is doing while she rifles through wild growth looking for something that clearly isn't there.
"They all think I'm an idiot but I can see it from a mile away," she says, laughing maniacally.
If this wasn't reality television it would almost be uncomfortable to watch. Thankfully, though, looking on as the mental health of 24-year-old crumbles is made okay by the fact that she's in the running to win half a million dollars.
(Tbh, though, if carbs and coffee were taken away from me that quickly I'd probably be at the point below within... I'm going to say six hours.)
Kristy knows, okay Aganoa? She knows. Source: Australian Survivor.
Over at Vavau, the bleak levels are even higher.
With no fire or drinking water to their name, Nick has picked up the deterioration flag for his tribe, licking plant leaves to get some much-needed hydration.
"It's actually not that bad," he says as a thoroughly unimpressed and somewhat disgusted Andrew looks on. 'If only UberEATS would deliver here,' he's surely thinking.
After building a fire and promptly losing the flame, Nick concedes that like lady luck and lady love before her, lady Survivor is a cruel mistress. (I mean, you could have just watched some Youtube tutorials on building a fire before coming onto the show, but sure, blame it on a mythical female character. That obviously works too.)
You've changed, Nick. Source: Australian Survivor.
Leaves and stolen tees aside, it's time for all three tribes to come together for the
daily gun show immunity challenge, determined to win themselves the fishing gear LaPaglia is offering up as a reward.
To win, all they have to do is select two human sacrifices from their tribe, shackle them, and then carry them over and under and across an obstacle course without touching or exposing said sacrifice's junk on national television by accident. Seems simple enough, really.
EXCEPT THERE IS SO MUCH TOUCHING.
Touching of the legs, touching of the stomach, touching of the arms and the chest and the feet. It's truly the closest thing I've ever come to see one of my greatest nightmares realised on television.
Much touching, many Survivors. Post continues after video.
As the giant baby race continues, Aganoa is practically in tears because they just really don't want to come last again, you guys. Booting Des was one thing, but getting rid of another team member? They're just not ready. Kristy still has so many scores to settle, Evan has many more tribe members to annoy, and Kat's hat is still in one piece. It's. Not. Their. Time.
Booting Des was one thing, but getting rid of another team member? They're just not ready. Kristy still has so many scores to settle, Evan has a lot more alliance talking to do, and Kat's hat is still in one piece. It's. Not. Their. Time.
Nope. No way. Source: Australian Survivor.
Mercifully, Lady Survivor decides to take a break from being cruel and cuts Aganoa some slack, allowing them to come in second place, with episode one MVP's Saanapu coming in last.
Making their way to tribal council, viewers are lead to believe that 62-year-old Peter will be going home. He's tired, not eating and says he's ready to return to a world of hot water and down pillows. (Okay he didn't say it, but we all know he's thinking it).
Comments fly and undercover private investigator Bianca starts firing shots at Flick faster than she can say "former metre maid." But two can play at that game and a major swifty is pulled in front of our very eyes, with Bianca being sent home by an overwhelming vote.
And just like that, another one who believed they had this thing in the bag, bites the dust.