There’s an issue of national importance we need to urgently discuss.
It’s a threat to, our personal hygiene, the quality of our sex lives and our reputation as a stylish, sophisticated country, and it’s coming to our shores — fast.
No, it’s not the return of culottes to the high street, it’s not the fact we’re all playing Candy Crush on our iPhones now instead of canoodling before bed, and it’s not the humble Birkenstock.
It’s the man bun, and it needs to be stopped.
But I recently glimped a paparazzi photo of Chris Hemsworth in which the classically gorgeous Australian actor sported a teeny, beachy blonde bun at the nape of his neck — and I knew the distressing ‘do had finally migrated to the Southern hemisphere.
What’s more, the man bun is being hailed as the next edgy-but-about-to-become-mainstream trend. I know this because my most hipster friend declared the other day that “the ladies love it!” — and she accurately predicted the rise of the beard, circa 2011, and the rise of the ringmaster moustache, circa 2012, so she knows what’s up.
If this is true — that the ladies love the man bun, and it’s about to become THE HAIRDO of 2015 — let me lay down some #realtalk, ladies. Because I have dated men with man buns in the past and I can tell you, it is not pleasant.
Let’s face it: a lot of dudes are not overly interested in the personal hygiene thing. The guys I’m close to mostly clip their toenail maybe once every three months, and if you say the words “microbeads” or “coconut oil” in their presence, you’ll be met with a look that suggests you’d just asked them to yodel the theory of relativity, in Latin, to the tune of a David Bowie song.