By ROSIE WATERLAND
As a born pessimist, I love the concept of anti-bucket lists. The idea of an entire list devoted to the things I will definitely never do gives me serious jollies. If you need to feel the instant satisfaction of successfully ticking off everything on a goal-oriented list I highly recommend you make one if these. I’ve thrown one together to help you get started.
Gosh it feels good to know I’ve already successfully not done any of these things today:
1) I will never go backpacking
I’ve always maintained that when I travel, it will be with luggage and not a backpack. The idea of hauling my dirty clothes around on my back, sleeping in something called a ‘hostel’ and wearing thongs in a (shudder) communal shower?
2) I will never run a marathon
I’ve hiked to beautiful places. I’ve been canyoning. Caving. I’ve gone diving in the Great Barrier Reef. I even climbed a mountain once. But the idea of running just to run… What’s with that? Not for me.
3) I will never listen to what food extremists say about food.
Kate Moss: “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.”
Um… I can’t even count the amount of things that taste that good. So, so many.
Gwyneth Paltrow: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
Obviously Gwynnie has never had nachos from the back of a truck at the Easter Show.
Miranda Kerr: “For his birthday I made him a gluten-free cake, and I made my own icing so it was organic, and opposed to sugar I made it cream cheese and agave juice from a recipe I found”
4) I will never sit around a night-time camp fire at the beach with several of my good looking friends dressed in casual denims.
Because who does that? Besides the people who live inside Cotton On commercials, Home and Away and Willow Smith music videos.
5) I will never marry Robin Thicke.
I can’t confirm his subtle assertion that he has a big dick, but I’m certain that he is a big dick.
6) I will never turn up to a highschool reunion as a massive success story.
Because I won’t turn up at all. I’m too busy being a massive success story.
7) I will never go to a wealth-building conference that I saw on TV at 3am.
Listen, Barry, I think it’s great that you didn’t have to go to an accredited uni to become an expert in building money, but, c’mon now, the only people you’re targeting at 3am are the ones who are up worrying about not having the kind of money they can give to a guy called Barry who rents out the local community hall. And also, kind of suss that such a monetary genius can’t afford a better advertising time-slot than 3am.
8) I will never get labiaplasty.
Because I have an outie and I’m proud but also because:
9) I will never survive a zombie apocolypse/alien invasion/deadly disease.
When watching disaster movies and the heroes are running for their lives or whatever, I prefer to pick the hypothetical time that if I were them, I would just pack it all in and give up running. That time is always within the first twenty minutes. I’m the person who would start working for the enemy within hours in exchange for food scraps. Something about surviving against all odds doesn’t sit right with me. I’d rather survive with odds, thanks.
So, what’s on your anti-bucket list?