sex

Would you have sex with someone without knowing their name?

At the Prude and the Porn Star podcast, we get the most interesting emails:

Hi guys,

I’m a 22-year-old gay man, and I love the show!

Here’s my question. On Grindr [a hook-up app for gay/transsexual men] people always just want to hook up anonymously. No names, nothing.

Addresses are sent, you show up, but there are no names. No one exchanges names at all.

I find it really weird that I’m having sex with someone, and I know their address, and whether or not they shave their balls, but not their name.

Am I alone in thinking that this is a weird trend? What’s the sex-iquette?

– Cam

 

Listen to what Madison and Carla have to say to this, here: 

This is not an issue exclusive to the gay community. The rise of Tinder, Happn, Blendr and other ‘dating’ apps mean that it’s never been easier to connect with someone you just want to… connect with, no questions asked.

A straight co-worker who shall remain anonymous (for fear her mum is reading) says, “It’s like ordering a pizza. Sometimes I’ll be home and horny but I can’t be bothered with the pretense of small talk and flirting, so I just ask a guy to come over. I don’t want to know anything about him. I just want to have sex, and then for him to go home.”

Right on. So is it really a Thing to exchange names and not numbers? Yep, that’s A Thing.

“I think where this all comes from, and it’s led by the [dating] apps, where we have this disposable-hook-up-anonymous-culture…if you’re not exchanging names with someone, you’re not seeing someone as a person, you’re seeing them just as a f**k,” Madison says.

People are also now using Tinder for an entirely different reason. (Post continues after video.)

Another reason for not exchanging names, of course, is so you don’t get “caught” doing something you said you wouldn’t – like, um, cheating.

Claudia, Madison’s transsexual flat-mate, is also on Grindr,  and she thinks that a part of it comes down to the MSM’s who are on the hook-up app.

“MSMs. Men who sleep with men. These are men who identify outwardly, and in the world, as straight, however they also have sex with men. So they’ll have heterosexual marriages, live a normal life, and just run off every once in a while and just pick up another gay man, or another MSM and have sex…

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“Claudia finds is that amongst the MSMs, because they’re often hiding this from their partner, they do not want to give away any sort of names or identifying factors. They just wanna come to your place, they wanna get f**ked, and they wanna leave.” Madison says.

So where does this leave our friend Cam? Madison says there are a couple of things he can do. One is to try and use some conversation skills to get to know someone’s name. Or alternatively, Madison explains, “if it’s a rule for you, and you don’t want to have sex with someone unless you know their name, make it one of your rules. Unless you tell me your name, I don’t need to know your address, I’m not coming over.”

If something doesn’t sit well with you, put a boundary in there. It’s as simple as that.

And while Madison says that sex definitely doesn't always have to be intimate, and it's totally fine to have safe, casual sex, there is a culture of not wanting to connect with people face-to-face anymore, which concerns her.

"I've seen people these days, sit around clubs, on Grindr, hooking up with the other people on Grindr in the club...you see so many people sitting there with their phones and their on a dating up. And you're like, 'Hello! You're in a dating place. Get off the phone and go meet someone!'"

Listen to the whole episode of Prude and The Pornstar, including a conversation about who cares about how high (or low) your number really is, here:

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