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Eight ways to not be a pain-in-the-ass on a flight at Christmas time.

Christmas time; (noun). The time of year when people book expensive flights to see their families and eat ham.

And if you’re one of them, you’ll know how full and frustrating the flights are. Full of people who slam their seats back into your lunch. People who slow down the boarding process. People who fart and don’t own up.

Unless you are one of them. In which case, please kick yourself in the shin for me.

If you are screwing up any of these eight things, stop it. Stop it now.

How to: Be a better passenger (and give a flying f**k).

Flight
Melissa McCarthy knows.

1. Get your stuff out of your bag BEFORE you board. 

Don’t wait until you get to your seat to unpack something from your overhead luggage, get it out beforehand. In my experience, it’s the businessmen that are the worst. They fly so often, they forget the etiquette, and wait until there is one hundred people behind them on the tarmac before they take off their suit jacket, take their laptop from their bag, fold their jacket into the bag, put the bag overhead, stand in the way for ten minutes to think about the mating habits of stick insects, and then eventually sit down.

2. If the seatbelt sign is on, put your damn seatbelt on.

I know it makes me seem anal retentive, but just do it. Sit down, get over yourself, and obey the light, AIGHT?

FLight 2
SIT DOWN, PATRICK STEWART.
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3. Put your seat back gently, people.

If you must put your seat back for a nap, and you can’t see the passenger behind you, recline with a gentle slowness, so you don’t accidentally cause their tray table to slam into their boobs. Just me? Grrr.

4. If your child is annoying, pretend to look guilty.

One time, a kid kept burping and blowing it in my face while his mother smiled and ignored it. If she had at least pretended to feel bad, I would have given her a polite “it’s okay!” wink, instead of pushing her kid out of the Emergency Exit. (Just kidding… ahem…)

annoyed
Seriously.

5. Obey the ‘polite neighbourly chat’ code. 

A nod or quick greeting when we both sit down. A question or two, “visiting family? Holidaying?” etc. And then be quiet for at least 45 minutes while I subtly nap next to you. And we shall culminate with a “have a nice trip!” at the end. That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

6. No gas-chambers.

Just because the engine is loud, doesn’t mean we all lose our sense of smell. And there is nowhere to run.

plane
But it’s a much better place now, see?
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7.  Calm the hell down, we WILL all get on/off the plane.

This is more for the sake of the annoying passengers than for anyone else on board – you don’t need to stand up the moment the aeroplane wheels connect with the tarmac, with your head bent at an uncomfortable angle in a bid to be the first to de-board. The flight attendants will stand there calmly until the plane is full/empty, and whether you are the first or last one on/off the plane, you are still going to have to wait for another fifteen minutes until the doors close/open. So Calm. The fuck. Down.

8. Watch your elbows.

We are sharing that armrest. Let’s look out for each others ribs, neighbourino.

Plane annoying
DAMMIT, PATRICK.

You may think that I sound like the Christmas-flight Grinch, but I’m looking out for all of you. Christmas should be about family and pretending to like $50 worth of shitty lip gloss. Not getting poked in the boobs by a tray table.

Merry Christmas, friends. Fly safe now.

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