It was weird. It was intense. It was awesome.

I heard that there was an app in which I could give Anna from Frozen a c-section. Because of course. Nothing says ‘fun’ more than operating on your favourite Disney princesses.

It was weird. It was intense. It was awesome. Let’s reminisce, shall we?

ANNA GIVING BIRTH. A succinct and honest account.

There’s Anna, unfrozen.

There’s Kristoff, like a well-dressed lumberjack.

There’s the baby that I haven’t yet helped deliver, which is confusing.

OH, LOOK! A MONTAGE!

Look at their happy story. Girl has plaits and a sister who freezes stuff. Boy has blonde hair. Boy and girl’s silhouettes get married under an arch. Girl magically becomes pregnant (maybe I missed the ‘ANNA GETS IMPREGNATED’ app).

GAHHH. Anna is on an operating table. I’m not sure if I’m prepared for this.

The app is conveniently pointing at a blue cartoon Foetus ECG Monitor.

Pffft. Midwifery is easy.

Okay, now it’s telling me to wave the ECG back and forth over her belly until the red heart fills up with blue.

Just like a Doctor would do.

Boom. Baby heart beat. Tick.

Oh my… The arrow is pointing at a syringe, and has drawn a cross on Anna’s vein.

I have a horrible feeling about this.

Really?

I’m expected to drug up the princess? Alright.

There. SHIT. SHE’S DEAD. ANNA IS DEAD.

No, wait. I think I just knocked her out.

Phew. What’s next, sadists? Oh, they want me to put this magical orb on her stomach.

The magical orb seems to have frozen her stomach. Shit.

Anna, of all people, you should have known of the dangers of freezing shit.

She’s still alive. I think. The baby, I’m not so sure about.

Oh my holy fuck. Are they actually pointing to a scalpel?

You want… You want me to…

Stab the Disney princess?

Oh, good.

You just want me to make a purple incision on her abdomen. Cool.

Ah. Another orb. Science.

A BABY! I MADE A BABY!

That was easy. Jeez, women are a bunch of whingers.

Pushing babies out is a breeze.

WHY ARE YOU POINTING AT THE SCALPEL AGAIN?

You want me to cut the baby?

It’s cutting the baby! It’s cutting the baby! HELLLLLP.

Oh, good. It just cut the umbilical cord. That was a close call.

Excellent. Here are the magical hands of freedom.

Where are you going, magical hands?

Where are you taking my Frozen baby?

Thank God. An advert for digital clown fish.

That shit was getting intense, I needed a twelve-second distraction. Hey, clown fish.

And we’re back! Anna is not awake.

But she’s skinny now, thank God.

I better wipe that nasty looking purple scar with a magical q-tip shaped wand.

That’s better. UH-OH! What’s happened?

Don’t look into the light, Anna! STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!

Phew. It was just an unrelated orb.

Now, the question on everybody’s lips:

How much does my baby weigh on a kitchen scale?

About the same as a ham. Good. Almost done.

Wrap the baby up in some cloth that is obviously far too small.

And turn it into a jellybean.

And they all lived happily ever after!

Why does Anna look politely distant?

Is she confused because her baby’s eyes are blue, while hers are green and her husband’s are brown?

Or is she wondering why there is half an arm floating next to her head?

I tried to press ‘replay’ but it wouldn’t let me.

Clearly Anna is not ready for more kids.

It’s okay, though. The app loves me.

Well. That was a morning well-spent. Cheers, Anna.