I’m so sorry these words are being broadcast in a public arena but I’m assuming your current address, somewhere in the leafy streets of purgatory, does not come with Wi-Fi or a usable email address, so this mode of communication will simply have to do.
Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this for you Patrick, things are about to get a bit rough for you. If you think being ploughed down in the middle of the road by a manic car or sitting through an endless Proudman family dinner was tough then you’re probably not going to want to read this letter through to the end, but this is something you need to hear.
Patrick, my friend. It’s time for you to make like a moth and go into the light.
Listen: Every disturbing thing that is about to happen on Offspring season 7. Post continues…
The heavenly light of your eternal reward that it, not those flashy stage lights they use on the Offspring set, although I can see that you’ve been very confused for quite some time now. But to be perfectly frank, it’s time you Google mapped your way out of the hip streets of Melbourne and front up to the pearly gates.
Because, dude, you are no longer meant to be top-side in this world. Unless the Offspring creators want to kick off a shared universe with The Walking Dead and have you shuffle and groan your way through the hallways of St Francis Hospital on a regular basis, then it’s time to accept the fact that you died in season four. Therefore, you should not have been taking up prominent real estate in the following seasons.
Look, man, I get it. You were a pivotal part of the Offspring universe, second only to Nina’s coveted red Tigerlily jacket.