Junk mail into my house this week has been filled with all sorts of misguided gift suggestions in the lead up to Mother’s Day, which is Sunday, May 14.
I particularly lol’d at one that suggested getting mum a giant 78cm plush panda. Every mother I know is employed in a never-ending battle to get toys out of the house and reduce the child-related clutter. Adding something that big is just a cruel joke to play.
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Then there was the suggestion of a new fry pan. It was Jamie Oliver branded and he’s kind of cute, but no, no, no. Unless that frypan can make wine, coffee and chocolate without me doing a thing, I’m not interested.
Ditto to the garish jewellery and shiny new toasters. I don’t really want a “lady shaver” either… what are you trying to say? Actually, that ones probably a fair call (see request #4).
What does this mum want for Mother’s Day?
My list may look long, but I’ll be 37 weeks pregnant, I think I deserve all of it:
1. A good night’s sleep.
If someone can rig up a system that takes the pressure off my bladder so I can go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning I would be completely satisfied and the rest of the list is redundant. I’m sure those with a newborn or older baby/toddler/teenager who keeps them up at night feel the same way.
2. A full day where I don’t have to bend once to pick a single thing off the floor.
My family should take this seriously because I’m pretty sure one of these days I’m going to squat down to grab a freaking piece of Lego, lose my balance and never get up again. #TheStruggleisReal
3. A dedicated shoe slave.
I want to make like Cinderella for a day and have someone else deal with the mission of getting shoes on, getting shoes off, changing my socks and tying up my laces. When I was this pregnant last time it was summer and thongs were the only thing that fit. This shoe business is just too complicated.
4. A pedicure.
I know I just mentioned the fact it’s too cold for sandals, but I would still like my toes to look lovely when I go into labour, if only for my own satisfaction. But while I’m getting those toes sussed I should probably be booked in for all the other treatments because this body is a neglected mess. The good thing about pregnancy in the cooler months? I don’t have to awkwardly shave my legs regularly. The bad thing about pregnancy in the cooler months? I don’t shave my legs regularly. Awkward.
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5. Food, all the delicious food.
I can’t eat tonnes of it because there is no room in my torso, but I’d love a day where I don’t have to think about it, prepare it, throw away the lovingly prepared food the three-year-old didn’t eat and clean it all up afterwards. Start the day right by taking me for breakfast somewhere delicious or just bring me all time fav porridge in bed and I’ll be a happy girl.
6. While we’re on the subject of food, how about a one-hour moratorium from pregnancy to gorge on all the pregnancy-banned foods I’m craving.
I know it’s not long till I can have them anyway, but I’d still jump at the chance for a sushi feast, accompanied by a big deli sandwich and washed down with a glass of pinot noir and some blue cheese. And I’d drink a couple of really strong coffees without feeling sick. My mouth is watering right now.
As you can see, my needs are simple so I’m hoping my family can pull this off without resorting to a single clichéd gift… although I’ll take the flowers, chocolates and snuggly dressing gown if they insist.
This post originally appeared on Pregnancy Exercise and has been republished here with full permission.