Stop.
While you were selfishly living your life and seeing your loved ones and doing other totally non-important things this weekend, there were cataclysmic developments in the biggest news story of the year decade.
The Bachelor‘s Alex and Richie, people. You missed so much news about Alex and Richie.
Yes, you selfish person who lacks priorities, you. As you chomped down brunch and helped your mother-in-law bake a frittata, our favourite franchise was in disarray. Its golden couple weren’t just breaking up, they were sending every tabloid from here to Perth into overdrive – one salacious headline at a time.
Listen: Zara McDonald and I debrief on the latest episode of The Bachelor 2017. (Post continues…)
But never fear. Breathe. It’s going to be okay. I have worked tirelessly over the last 72 hours to gather every skerrick of information for you, so all of us can be on the same page. (Mum, if you’re reading, I told you a degree in journalism would be so much better than law):
Act One: The blindside
So we have Alex Nation, the token single mum who won The Bachelor 2016, and Richie Strahan, rope access technician. We know the pair have broken up at some point this year because 1. They haven’t posted a selfie together in months, which in reality TV star Instagram time equals a millennium and 2. Last week a sneaky pap took photos of Alex snogging someone who wasn’t Richie at all, but instead was a woman from her footy club, Maegan Luxa.
Anyway, Richie and Alex are no longer together… because like bubble baths and Patrick’s stint on Offspring, all good things must come to an end. And in B-grade celebrity world, that means all things must ALSO be shared with New Idea.
One of Richie’s good “friends” spilt the beans about the saga to the gossip mag, because what are friends for, right?!
"Rich is totally heartbroken - he really is shattered. He feels as though his world, dreams and hopes have come crashing down overnight," Richie's very distant acquaintance from high school said in a very measured and not at all hyperbolic way.
"He wants a second chance and has asked her to take him back in a kind of begging way," the source stranger added. "But she is adamant there is no going back. He has cried about this. Another chance would make him happy."
Act Two: The love triangle becomes a square
If you thought this drama with Alex, Richie, and Maegan was confusing enough, hold on, buddy. Enter: Alex's footy coach's son, Dale White.
Yes, people, YES. As if Woman's Day was going to sit idly by and let New Idea have this big juicy pie. Pffffft. They wanted IN on this action.
"Alex was dating our coach's son Dale White for two months prior to dating Maegan," one of Alex's lovely and respectful teammates told the magazine.
"Dale plays for the Bombers too, and she dumped him at our mid-season footy ball last month and went home with Maegan instead... Alex was telling everyone she had a crush on Maegan and then they shared a shoey and the rest was history."
WHAT? TWO ADULTS ENDED A VERY FLEETING RELATIONSHIP? TELL. ME. MORE. (Also, please god, if any of these things are true... let it be the shoey thing.)
Of course, as is a sacred rite of passage, Alex responded to the allegations on her Instagram account.
Act Three: Alex speaks
Sick of the hoopla about her love life, Alex "FINALLY BROKE HER SILENCE", which means she spoke about her 'new relationship' with Maegan Luxa in a very roundabout, vague way.
Kinda.
Not really.
"We should celebrate love between people whether it is male, male and female or women and female," Alex said about the plebiscite on 88.3 Southern FM.
"I think if you have a connection with someone you can't - people can't help who they connect with ... that should be all that matters."
So... Alex wasn't really talking about her relationship at all. She was talking about our same-sex marriage law. But... just... ignore that part. She was being cryptic and suggestive and was totally breaking her silence on her new love, okay?
Okay.
On a scale of 'one' to 'please lord let this end', how sick are you of Alex and Richie's breakup?