real life

How to prepare yourself for airplane travel with kids.

If you’re planning a trip with the kids over Christmas holidays, this is mandatory reading.

If you’ve ever tried flying long haul with small children, you’ll appreciate what a relaxing, enjoyable break it is.

Time to kick back, watch some movies and perhaps catch up on a few winks. Haha, yeah right.

And, if you’ve never taken your children on a flying bus for an extended period of time, what are you waiting for? What better way to find out the true hatred of a stranger.

Here are some tips for preparing yourself for airplane travel with kids.

1. Buy a bag of potatoes.

In the lead up to your trip, purchase a bag of potatoes weighing anywhere between 15-25 kilograms. Carry it with you at all times. You’ll soon manage to balance it on one hip to complete your errands.

Don’t bother trying to use a pram to cart around your spuds, because a lot of airlines won’t allow you to utilise one in the terminal after check-in. The aim here is to be prepared.


2. Leave the potatoes on your lap whenever you sit down.

When ever you are seated, be sure to leave the potatoes awkwardly on your lap. For extra authenticity strap them to yourself using a lap sash belt. This will get you used to not being able to feel your legs.

Try and enjoy the pins and needles that may travel down your feet. That's how you know you're doing it right.

Now is probably a good time to mention that your potatoes child will probably spend the entire duration of the flight on your lap. You've just paid a full fare for your bag to have a nice seat.

3. Add an octopus to your potato balancing.

Once you've mastered the art of carrying round your potatoes, you can add a small-medium sized octopus to it. This allows you to fully appreciate the ease in which a wriggly baby can be handled during the flight.

You shouldn't have any difficulty sourcing one of these at tar-jay.

4. Prepare your own in-flight entertainment.

Before your departure, make sure to stock up on plenty of things to keep the kids amused. Books are good, as are stickers and colouring in books.

It's best to take the outfit you plan on wearing with you while doing the shopping so you can properly coordinate the textas with your attire.

Likely, there will be more ink on you than the paper, so you may as well have it match.

5. Practice your apologies in front of the mirror.

Other passengers appreciate genuinity in your voice when explaining why your three year old feels the need to scream "Poooooooooooo" at the top of his voice for three hours.

Lady you don't know what I have prepared for you.

6. Each day, try and throw half of your coffee down the front of your pants.

This way, not only will your skin become accustomed to the calming scalding sensation you'll no doubt experience from trying to sip a coffee while holding a child, but your nostrils will also adapt to the eu de parfum of coffee that will linger for the duration of the trip.

Don't bother wasting your hard earned money on Nescafe either. To fully experience airplane style coffee you should get a local cat to piss in some bong water.

You can add room temperature UHT milk if you like it milky but only a thimble's worth.

7. Practice changing your baby in a port-a-loo.

Space is an issue with air travel. Prepare yourself by changing your baby in port-a-loo. Be careful not to actually touch any surfaces and experience with using your knees while standing as a change table.

Do your best not to drop your child, your changing supplies or the nappy full of steaming turd in the process. It's a juggling act to rival Cirque de Soliel.

If you really like to be prepared, why not ask a friend to tow the port-a-loo behind their car using a long rope. The jerking, unpredictable movements really helps to build core strength, balance and trust between mother and baby.

Any one of these will do the trick.

8. Try to get some new entertainment into your kid's viewing diet.

Did you enjoy Toy Story? The Wiggles perhaps? Good. Don't ruin it.

Why not treat yourself to some new entertainment before your journey? No, I'm not talking about the latest Who magazine or season six of Offspring, I mean Hi 5 or Dora the Explorer. This really is for you because while the kids may not care whether they have seen the skivvies 64 times, hot potato gets cold pretty damn fast on repeat.

Try not to let the other passengers see the envy in your eyes as you try and glimpse snippets of  The Hunger Games over someone's shoulder.

9. Train your bladder before you leave.

Your child will  not sleep on the flight, no matter how much rocking and patting and shooshing you do. That kid will be as perky and wide eyed as a 19 year old on disco bickies at schoolies.

Until you need to wee.

At that point they will fall into the deepest sleep of their life. Waking them is not advisable and will probably result in more pain than an exploded bladder, so grin and bear it.

Train your bladder by restricting yourself to one toilet break a day and buy some stretchy pants to accommodate your swollen abdomen. Just don't drink too much of the cat piss bong water.

Have you attempted long haul airline travel with kids? What would be your recommendations for preparation?

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