If you’re planning a trip with the kids over Christmas holidays, this is mandatory reading.
If you’ve ever tried flying long haul with small children, you’ll appreciate what a relaxing, enjoyable break it is.
Time to kick back, watch some movies and perhaps catch up on a few winks. Haha, yeah right.
And, if you’ve never taken your children on a flying bus for an extended period of time, what are you waiting for? What better way to find out the true hatred of a stranger.
Here are some tips for preparing yourself for airplane travel with kids.
1. Buy a bag of potatoes.
In the lead up to your trip, purchase a bag of potatoes weighing anywhere between 15-25 kilograms. Carry it with you at all times. You’ll soon manage to balance it on one hip to complete your errands.
Don’t bother trying to use a pram to cart around your spuds, because a lot of airlines won’t allow you to utilise one in the terminal after check-in. The aim here is to be prepared.
2. Leave the potatoes on your lap whenever you sit down.
When ever you are seated, be sure to leave the potatoes awkwardly on your lap. For extra authenticity strap them to yourself using a lap sash belt. This will get you used to not being able to feel your legs.
Try and enjoy the pins and needles that may travel down your feet. That's how you know you're doing it right.
Now is probably a good time to mention that your
potatoes child will probably spend the entire duration of the flight on your lap. You've just paid a full fare for your bag to have a nice seat.
3. Add an octopus to your potato balancing.
Once you've mastered the art of carrying round your potatoes, you can add a small-medium sized octopus to it. This allows you to fully appreciate the ease in which a wriggly baby can be handled during the flight.
4. Prepare your own in-flight entertainment.
Before your departure, make sure to stock up on plenty of things to keep the kids amused. Books are good, as are stickers and colouring in books.
It's best to take the outfit you plan on wearing with you while doing the shopping so you can properly coordinate the textas with your attire.
Likely, there will be more ink on you than the paper, so you may as well have it match.
5. Practice your apologies in front of the mirror.
Other passengers appreciate genuinity in your voice when explaining why your three year old feels the need to scream "Poooooooooooo" at the top of his voice for three hours.
6. Each day, try and throw half of your coffee down the front of your pants.
This way, not only will your skin become accustomed to the calming scalding sensation you'll no doubt experience from trying to sip a coffee while holding a child, but your nostrils will also adapt to the eu de parfum of coffee that will linger for the duration of the trip.