I’m from Adelaide.
Usually, when speaking with a non-Adelaidean somewhere interstate, that statement is met with one of the questions below.
On rare occasions, the eyes of the person I am conversing with will light up and they will profess their love for good ol’ Radelaide, because they had such a good time on that footy trip or that wine tour. Those people are my favourite.
But more than 60% of the time, it will first be met with “Ugh! I hate Adelaide!” or “poor you!”… and then one of the below questions. Those people are my least favourite.
And every time I am asked one of these questions, a snarky, sarcastic voice inside my head will respond before my polite mouth does. So here are those questions and my snarky, sarcastic responses… Aimed mostly at the 60%.
Questions all Adelaideans get asked.
“What is there to do in Adelaide?”
Plenty. Word on the street is that we’ll be getting our first cinema any day now, and the ‘World Wide Web’ is due to be installed in 2018. Can’t wait.
“Oh! Do you know *insert random’s name here*?
NO, FOOL. Adelaide has 1.3 million people and I don’t know them all. Wait, what was her name? Oh yeah, I went to school with her cousin… My bad.
“Have you been to Glenelg?”
Yes, dickhead. (Actually, when I mention my origins to non-Adelaideans they might not even ask this question, they’ll just say, “Oh yeah. Glenelg.”… as if they’ve just whispered the equivalent to the Pirate Code’s “Parley”. It’s odd.)
“Do you know everything about wine?”
Only what was written on the fun-sized wine bag our Mums used to pack our lunch boxes in. Nothing like a Cab Sav-flavoured roll-up. (Seriously though… I know nothing about wine. But I know if it’s from SA, it’s probably good. BOOM).
“Ummm… Do you realise Adelaide is the murder capital of the world?”
Sigh. No, it isn’t. That’s just a common misconception. Northern Territory and Western Australia outrank South Australia. We don’t have more homicides, we’ve just had more… “creative” murderers. But, still. Don’t piss me off.
“But really… What is there to do in Adelaide?”
Besides murdering each other? Heaps of stuff! The Town Crier wanders the streets every morning, yelling out all the possible activities for the day from hopscotch tournaments to a maypole dance in the town square. Goody!
“You’re from Adelaide? Say ‘dance’! No, wait. Say ‘I dahhhnce and prahhhhnce in the cahhhhstle’.”
Yes, yes, haha. We speak differently, haha rofl lol. It’s because we’ve descended from posh settlers and you’re descended from feral convicts, giggle hoot tee hee hardy har pmsl.
“Where did you go to school?”
Actually, this question is usually asked by someone who is from Adelaide. It’s how we establish who we’ve got in common, and whose family has more money.
“Is there really a lot of churches?”
Define ‘a lot’… There’s a lot of churches compared to, say, Wollongong. But not many compared to Rome. Personally, I prefer us to be called ‘the Festival State’.
“Is there really a lot of festivals?”
Yes. Do come over in March. You may be able find a hotel room at the Motor Inn in Salisbury East if they have a cancellation. Otherwise, everything is booked, so just sleep on Hindley Street. We’ll call it “The Festival Of Camping” or something.
“But other than that… WHAT IS THERE TO DO IN ADELAIDE?”
Look. We do here what you do in your city. Normal stuff. We go to restaurants, theatres, movies, sports games, meet at the Malls Balls to drink our Cibo’s and eat heaps of good Fritz from the German settlement just outside the city. Wait, you don’t do that? What do you even DO in your city?
I’m sorry for being snarky. It’s just built-up from years of outsiders telling me they don’t like my home city. But you know what? To those people who don’t like Adelaide: that’s fine.
I once heard that Adelaide and Los Angeles are the only two cities with lights that twinkle from outer space – something to do with the shape of the hills that surround the city, trapping in twinklifying gasses. Whether the outer space thing is true, I don’t know – I’ll get back to you once I’ve been up there. But I know that I can see them twinkling and blinking from the hill behind my parent’s house. Like the million good things we have to offer, our twinkly lights are only appreciated by those who have the perceptiveness to notice them.
To those of you who don’t like Adelaide, let me take you on a special tour and show you what a wonderful place it is. And if you end up hating it, that’s fine. Thanks for giving it a real go, and have a safe onward journey. Adelaide will be okay without you. In fact, it will be more than okay. Adelaide will still be awesome, quietly rocking out behind your back as you drive away, its’ lights twinkling in your rear-view mirror.