BREAKING VERY IMPORTANT AND URGENT NEWS YOU GUYS:
Abigail Breslin just threw some MAJOR shade at bangin’ 5SOS dude Michael Clifford, cos they totally hooked up last year but she didn’t end up becoming his forever bae.
Please allow me to translate for those of us over the age of 15….
The impossibly cute child actress from the film Little Miss Sunshine is now 18-years-old, and last year she very briefly dated one of the members of popular boyband 5 Seconds Of Summer. Yesterday she released a song called ‘You Suck’, which is quite clearly about their brief romance. Please refer to the following diagram for further clarification:
This of course led to a teenage girl Twitter meltdown, the likes of which have not been seen since Justin Beiber was arrested for being an unbearable human being.
The song itself is not great. Abigail is clearly not the Bob Dylan of our time. I have helpfully provided the lyrics below so you may better understand the level of discourse we’re dealing with here:
Brilliant Lyrics – You Suck
I hate your dumb tattoo. I wish you’d fly to the moon, where there are no girls to use or screw over.
I’m laughing cos I lied you know. I said you sound like All Time Low. You really don’t. Even though you try hard. You try hard.
I bet you’re gonna sing this song. I bet you’re gonna sing along. I bet you’re gonna tell your friends how I’m obsessed with you. And I bet you didn’t know, that you sound like a girl, every time you call me when you’re drunk. And all I really wanna say is you really suck.
I hate the scar above you eye, it looks like you’re on drugs. And you really need to learn to wash your hair. Overall you’re not a catch. You’re just a dumbass. Bleachin’ your hair? Well I hope it all falls out. And it falls out.
Oh and thanks for telling all your lies, cos now I realise I’d rather date a rock. Oh and thanks for the tickets to your show. I just wanted you to know that all your bandmates are hotter than you.
Chorus + many more “You sucks”.
Oh, Abigail. Sweetie. If only someone had told you the golden rule:
The amount you insist you’re not obsessed with someone is always equal to how obsessed you actually are.
But I guess when you’re young, you just don’t know yet, do you? (Says the 28-year-old who clearly knows everything.)
There is nothing quite as uncomfortable as reflecting on how one behaved after getting dumped. The tears. The name-calling. The irrational bitterness. The “I’ve only called you 17 times tonight because I needed you to know that I don’t even think about calling you anymore” phone calls.
It’s almost as if hearing the words ‘I don’t think this is working out’ causes the dignity section of our brains to completely switch off. The next few weeks/months are spent in a wine-consuming wasteland, that revolves exclusively around coming up with increasingly creative ways to hurt the dumper. While, of course, making sure they know the rejection was so inconsequential to you that you haven’t thought about it since.