My husband is funny. He’s Scottish (need I say more) and has a quick wit. He likes to think he’s a bit of a comedian, and 99% of the time most people would agree that he’s kind of hilarious.
However, there have been two occasions in our life together where he has definitely NOT been funny. And both were the arrivals of our children.
Each time I was giving birth my husband got so nervous that he started cracking joke after joke (after joke…). It was verbal diarrhea in the worst way. His jokes were that bad that even the midwives gave him disappointed looks. I screamed “just shut the fuck up!” on multiple occasions.
So fellas, from a woman who has given birth naturally twice, here’s some advice about what you definitely SHOULD NOT say in the delivery room (disclaimer from my husband - he didn’t say all of these!):
“I can’t wait to make another one”
COME ON, while we’re trying to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a pea, you really think we want to think about going there again?
“You should have waxed”
Or, as my husband said, “it looks like you’ve taken a hedge-clipper to it” (yup, my wax was booked for one particular Friday and Murphy’s Law I went into labour the Thursday night). Pre delivery us mums to be are paranoid about what our ‘down there’ will look like during labour. But when it actually happens, and we’re in the middle of excruciating contractions, we really don’t give two shits and don’t need yet another thing to worry about.
“Smile for a picture”