8 things a father-to-be should NEVER say in the delivery room

My husband is funny. He’s Scottish (need I say more) and has a quick wit. He likes to think he’s a bit of a comedian, and 99% of the time most people would agree that he’s kind of hilarious.

However, there have been two occasions in our life together where he has definitely NOT been funny. And both were the arrivals of our children.

Each time I was giving birth my husband got so nervous that he started cracking joke after joke (after joke…). It was verbal diarrhea in the worst way. His jokes were that bad that even the midwives gave him disappointed looks. I screamed “just shut the fuck up!” on multiple occasions.

So fellas, from a woman who has given birth naturally twice, here’s some advice about what you definitely SHOULD NOT say in the delivery room (disclaimer from my husband - he didn’t say all of these!):

“I can’t wait to make another one” 

COME ON, while we’re trying to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a pea, you really think we want to think about going there again?

“You should have waxed”

Or, as my husband said, “it looks like you’ve taken a hedge-clipper to it” (yup, my wax was booked for one particular Friday and Murphy’s Law I went into labour the Thursday night). Pre delivery us mums to be are paranoid about what our ‘down there’ will look like during labour. But when it actually happens, and we’re in the middle of excruciating contractions, we really don’t give two shits and don’t need yet another thing to worry about.

“Smile for a picture”

Smiling through pain? Yeah, ok! My husband said this, camera in hand, while I was getting an epidural and mid-contraction. I mean, seriously!

“Haha, you should see your face”

We’re already self conscious enough. We have our nether regions on show to a whole lot of people. And we hurt. A lot. So bugger what we look like.

“That’s a lot of blood”

Unless you want a punch in the face, please don’t make observations as we go. We’re pretty sure the doctors have already noticed, and the last thing we need is another thing to stress about.

“OMG it’s so bad down there!”/“That will never be the same again”/“There goes my happy place” (or anything in a similar vein!)

My husband said watching me give birth was like watching his favourite pub burn to the ground. Twice. OH, POOR YOU (insert sarcasm here). Deal with it. You’ll be lucky to go there at all in the next little while, never mind what state it’s in.

“Are you sure it’s mine”

No explanation needed. JUST. DON’T.

“Maybe we rushed this”

Again, just don’t even go there (not unless you want to be suddenly single).

So guys, from me to you, please think before you speak. Either say supportive things like “you’re doing well” or just shut the hell up. Hold our hands, or massage us (but only IF and exactly where we want). Good luck!