When you first give birth, it’s easy to be convinced that you need all of the things.
The truth is, babies do need an absurd amount of things. The list is never-ending. And it’s almost impossible to know when to stop.
But you can sleep easy tonight knowing one thing: Your baby does not, and never will, need any of the following things.
1. The hand pillow
Look, nobody wants to say it, but everyone hates touching their babies. Problem solved.
2. Birthing dolls
Doubles as a handy voodoo doll for when your baby grows up and hates you for traumatising them with this insanely creepy doll.
Although, if you turn the doll upside down, it’s a small baby with an enormous black beard. So that’s… a little better?
3. The Changing Wrap
No, you are not mistaken. That is indeed a miniature straightjacket for your child.
3. Baby Perfume
Tired of your baby smelling like a human child? US TOO. Thankfully, you can now mask that gross ‘new baby’ scent with the smell of blue.
Blue to match the sky? Blue to match the ocean? Blue to match your baby’s new straightjacket? You decide!
5. Nurse Me Tender
In the past, men were painfully jealous of their partner’s ability to breastfeed. But no longer. Dads, your prayers have been answered! Now you too can experience the joy of having a baby suckle on your pretend-nipple!*
*Mastitis not included.
6. The Breast Milk Baby.
Don’t forget to burp your baby after you feed him! This totally appropriate and non-creepy toy sure does teach little girls to be good fathers.
“Look, Mum! Just like Daddy does it!”
7. Baby Toupee
Is your baby constantly embarrassed of their comb-over? Do they dream of impressing their peers with a thick, luscious head of hair reminiscent of Elvis in his prime?
Fear not, the Baby Toupee is here!
You, too, could have a baby with a face this thrilled.
8. The Peekaru
Ah, to return to the days when your baby was still safely shut up inside your stomach. So easy. So convenient.
The Peekaru: trap your child inside you and rock this season’s Teletubby look at the same time.
What’s the most ridiculous baby product you’ve ever come across?