My friends are a metaphorical abyss into which my books tend to fall. They’re like a cosmic black hole just sucking my literature into their unyielding maws. Book grabbers. Thieves. Marauders.
But they do, it must be acknowledged, love books. It’s hard to stay mad at somebody who likes to read. Instead, I’ve decided to categorise and tag them for ease of reference. If you’re a book lover, you’ll relate to these.
1. The Book Thief
You love books so much that you just don’t give them back. It’s all very innocent, of course, but let it be known your bookcase is the product of a sustained pilfering campaign orchestrated by your sheer love of books. I never go around asking for my books back because a.) it would be uncouth and b.) books are such an innate piece of who we are that whenever somebody decides they like a book I’ve loaned them so much they want to keep it, it’s like they’ve decided instead to have that little bit of me stay with them forever. Totally not in a creepy way, I swear.
2. The Dog-Earer
You love your books like you love antiques. Worn. Rustic. Weathered. Sure, the librarians used to mount campaigns against folk of your type in their literary fortresses in days gone by but the reality is: you love books so much you wear them down. There’s no crime in loving a book so passionately that the pages tear and the corners get folded down. Except in Alabama. It’s probably illegal in Alabama.