The lessons we learn through loss are never pretty and neat and tied up in a shiny red bow. But these words from writer and actor Emily Kaye Lazzaro about her quest to become a mother and what she has realised about herself throughout her struggle, these words are powerful and important.
WARNING: This post contains graphic stories of miscarriage and loss, which may be upsetting to some readers.
1. Fairness Is A Fallacy.
When you’re very young or if nothing bad has ever happened to you, it seems like life should be fair. This is not true! In the words of everyone’s dad, life isn’t fair.
Facebook pregnancy announcements used to send me into a day-long depression, usually revolving around the idea that so-and-so got pregnant without any sort of struggle at all and they didn’t deserve it. I had gone through the first trimester three times and had nothing to show for it and I deserved to be making Facebook pregnancy announcements. I’d never made it to that mythical twelfth week and these women had made it there without breaking a sweat and how dare they.
But everybody is entitled to their particular joy the same way everybody is entitled to their particular pain, irrespective of my personal life experience. Also, “fair” is not a thing. Or, it is a thing, but not the way I thought. But me not having a baby THE INSTANT I WANT ONE is not about fairness. It’s not about anything. It is what it is.
And, truth be told, do you know what's unfair? That I met my husband, who is great, when I was 22 and I only had to waste time dating, like, three or four horrible a**holes. You know what else is unfair? That I was born in a comfortably upper-middle class family and was afforded every opportunity. That I'm white and straight. That is unfair. Get your head out of your arse, me.
2. The Worst Thing You Can Imagine Will Happen.
Last winter, my beloved, floppy, snuggly cat died. Two weeks later I had a miscarriage. Two weeks after that, my grandfather died. After all that, I thought it was over. It wasn't. There were two more losses coming. One day soon I would pick up a very small dead human from the toilet and hold it in my hand before screaming and dropping it and flushing it away. That was probably the worst thing. So far.
SORRY THAT WAS REALLY GRAPHIC, but that's the thing about this. Imagine the worst thing. The worst thing is not going to be cute. Life/the human body is a disgusting, scary place. And I'm sorry, I'm so genuinely sorry for you, but the worst thing is going to happen. Because eventually everybody you love will die. You will die. It's horrible.
I'm really sorry! But look, real talk: the sun is going to explode someday and everything we've ever known will be over. BUT DON'T DESPAIR! Short of the sun exploding, the worst thing you can imagine happens someday. And what do you do? Maybe you think you can't go on or you won't make it. But then you do go on, you do make it. Because what are the other options? Die of a broken heart? Nope, Disney, that's not a thing.