By ROSIE WATERLAND
Like we don’t have enough first world problems to deal with already, social media has decided to go and force itself onto the list, in the form of brand spanking new emotions that we would never have had before 1995.
Oh, to be back in that simpler time – when Chandler’s computer on Friends had a 500MB memory and, without an Encyclopedia handy, an argument about the name of the first dog in space had to end with an ‘agree to disagree.’
Now we’re part of the ‘information’ age and the world is connected and educated in a way like never before, but… Is it really worth it when we now have to deal with so much stress on a daily basis? Woe is us indeed.
Here’s a list of the basics:
1. Accidental Interaction Anxiety (‘AIA’)
When you’re on your phone and scrolling through Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Whatever, it’s so easy for your thumb to hit the like/RT/friend button without meaning to. Cut to an anxious meltdown.
All you wanted was to see was how dumb your ex-husband’s new girlfriend’s face is (not sure you can have a ‘dumb’ face beyond year 3 but bear with me…) and now you HAVE SENT HER A FRIEND REQUEST.
And if you think that immediately deleting said request solves all your problems then think again: If she gets an immediate notification, not only does she see the request, she’ll also see that it’s no longer there once she refreshes the page, which means it will take her exactly two seconds to figure out what’s happened and she’ll know what you did and that you were a stalky-stalky-stalker.
You are busted. The proof may no longer be on the web but it will continue forever in her smug brain. Oh the shame.
2. Fear of Becoming an Unintentional Viral Video Sensation (FOBAUVVS – well, they can’t all be snappy acronyms)
We officially live in an age where prams are designed so that babies can have easy access to iPads. That’s just the way life is now, people. Everyone is carrying a camera everywhere they go. Some of the time, that camera is used for admirable citizen journalism in the face of important breaking news. Most of the time, that camera is used to film the kind of private nose-picking footage that will almost certainly go on to become a viral video sensation.
And if your number’s up; you might just be the unfortunate star of that video. Doing anything even remotely noteworthy in public now comes with the possibility of reaching an audience of hundreds of millions. So next time you’re giggling at the granny dancing in the street or the unsuspecting teenage smoker, THINK AGAIN. That could be you.
So would it just be easier to stay inside forever? Nope. Sleazy hackers have actually figured out how to access personal webcams, so there is a possibility that someone is watching you read this RIGHT NOW.
I don’t know how they do it, but I do know I’m seriously worried about this, um, friend I have, who recently sat topless in bed with her laptop on her knees, while eating ice cream from the tub and singing along to the Les Misérables soundtrack…. that girl might be in trouble.
3. Unauthorised Photo Panic (UPP)
Modern day psychics know when they’ve been tagged in an unflattering photo on Facebook (you know the type – super shiny forehead, possessed red eye, 5-6 chins). It’s kind of like a sixth-sense.