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There is one sort of beauty story which always makes me roll my eyes, and it usually goes like this: “Hair and makeup that men LOVE!” It seems like those articles appear in every women’s magazine, and on every women’s website, and will continue to pop up as long as makeup and hairbrushes exist.

I believe that there is more to beauty than making yourself look acceptable and desirable to others. As a complex and creative woman, I don’t always want to look just “nice”. Beauty, for me, is not so much about being “pretty”, but instead, it’s about ideas, characters, eras and moods. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner or crush to find you attractive, but personally and ultimately, I wear makeup and hairstyles for me.

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A glaring exclusion from those “How to look HOT for him” articles is the LGBTIQ community. Hello, have we not noticed yet that Ellen Degeneres is a CoverGirl, and that she also represents so many things that excellent women can and should be? She rains down cheques on cute boys who want to marry each other, she’s funny, and yeah, she also has great skin.

And so, I am presenting you with a refreshing beauty story: hair and makeup that men HATE! And by “men”, I mean “my husband”.

I am always so amused when Jeff hates a particular hairstyle or makeup look, particularly as he gets all wide-eyed and can only use the word “weird” to describe it. Most importantly, I know that under all the makeup, he loves me for who I am on the inside. I can wipe off all the makeup or plaster it on thickly; whatever I do, he’ll still want to snuggle up with me at the end of the day.

Here is my attempt to get Jeff to expand further on “weird”.

1. Baby Spice pigtail buns

She says...

When two (hair buns) become one (fantastic hairstyle)! Cheeky, nostalgic and youthful, the Baby Spice pigtail buns are easy to achieve and have maximum impact. This is also a practical hairstyle, because when you have long, thick hair like mine, a topknot or high ponytail can sometimes become painful, causing me to take out my hair-tie and scold it: Stop right now, thank you very much, I need two pigtail buns to even out the weight distribution!

He says:

“The buns were weird. Very outdated. It was kind of like a crappy Princess Leia look. If you’re going to go for the buns, you better have the full croissant… well, not croissant… you know, like, the snails? That’s what you gotta go for. Your hair looked like little tennis balls, or golf balls of hair on your head.

"Hair should just be, like, normal. Long, flowing, clean, without lice. If you were walking down the street like that, people would think that you were going through some sort of strange regression, trying to pretend you’re six. It’s an unusual look, to have your hair in little golf balls of hairlets. I guess it’s stress-free, because once you put it in the buns, your hair’s all up. I don’t know.” 

The verdict

Comfort rules, and so the buns are staying! Also, it doesn’t matter if it’s a croissant or a snail, it’s still a French pastry and I’ll probably eat both.

2. Kylie Jenner lipstick

She says...

Kylie Jenner’s painted pout is a very on-trend, youthful and sexy look. I think it’s so much luxurious, feminine fun to overdraw my lips. I love all the buzz around this look, too, all the whisperings of ‘has she or hasn’t she had injections in her lips’? As Oscar Wilde said, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about,” which pretty much sums up the Kardashian-Jenner family.

What’s the deal with Kylie Jenner’s lips?

He says...

“My first thought, when I saw you, was that you looked like you’d made out with a pack of Crayolas. It’s just weird. I’ve honestly never seen anyone wear that much lipstick. You know when a little kid gets their mother’s lipstick and they smear it all over their face, and they have clown lips? That’s what it was like! It doesn’t upset me, but I wouldn’t want to be seen with you, having makeup like that. They’d think you’re a freak, and they’d be like, ‘Who’s that guy with that freak?’ You can’t see your lips! There was so much lipstick! It was almost up to your nose! I wouldn’t kiss you – I wouldn’t want that on my face. I would definitely recoil.”

The verdict:

You knew I was freaky when you married me, so there’s no excuses now! And I did love playing with my mum’s lipsticks when I was a kid – how did you know?!

3. Nail wraps

She says...

Having cute, polished nails is an instant pick-me-up, but I always chip my freshly painted nails, as I hate waiting for them to dry. I have also discovered that I cannot do nail art, despite having one design degree, one art degree and many hours of reading Hello Giggles under my belt. Enter: Nail wraps! It’s like patterned Contact Book Covering, but for your nails. The Sally Hanson Salon Effects ones are my favourites, as they are made from real nail polish, but are still super-easy to apply.

He says...

“It’s like a rainbow vomited on your nails. I don’t hate them. I don’t like them, either. They look pretty weird. Nails are just…isn’t it just dead skin? I understand that you paint nails, but your nails now are a bit much. Nails are just nails. Put art on a painting. You don’t need to put art on nails – they’re just nails. Your nails look very strange. Yes, they’re colourful, so I guess that’s good, but they’re very strange.”

The verdict:

My nails are so arty, they should be in the Louvre. Get in the queue, baby!

4. Face glitter

She says...

While diamonds and gold can be found deep below the ground, glitter was rained down from the heavens by magical fairies, as they giggle and play quoits using pink iced donuts and unicorn horns. Glitter is at once light-hearted and edgy, glamorous yet trashy. I always need to wear glitter, sequins or all of the above on New Year’s Eve. Glitter is my favourite colour.

He says...

“There was a lot of glitter. What’s next – are you going to be like Mariah Carey, or something like that? Were you one of the extras, or one of the back-up dancers in the movie? This was the most palatable of all the looks. There was too much glitter for a normal person, but people wear glitter on their faces. People do that. You kind of looked like an anime character. It still looked strange. It didn’t appeal to me. If I got glitter on myself, I’d be concerned.

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"Look, for a dress-up party, whatever, that’s fine. But beyond that? Definitely not. It was like you fell into a bucket of glitter.”

The verdict:

Mariah Carey is everything, and no-one else should be allowed to sing All I Want For Christmas Is You, not even Shania Twain, and you know that I love me some Shania. According to the same logic, glitter and I will never be separated. Never!

If you need even more glittery makeup inspiration, check out these more 'subtle' ways to use it:

5. Amy Winehouse winged eyeliner

She says...

He tried to make me take my eyeliner off, and I said no, no, no! Just kidding, Jeff would never say that to me. Amy’s eyeliner is the stuff of legends. A little bit romantic, a little bit retro and definitely very rock and roll, Amy’s winged eyeliner continues to be an inspiration today…for those who dare.

He says...

“This look is a bit much. It’s a lot much. If you saw that combination of the hair, the eyeliner and the bandana, you’d be missing a lot to think that it’s not Amy Winehouse. It’s a lot of eyeliner. It’s like the consistency of your pinkie of eyeliner. And you look like some sort of unusual cat-human hybrid. Like an animorph or something. But you know, that also might be good. If you wanna look like Amy Winehouse, this is great, but beyond that, I don’t know. Would I approach you if you were a stranger, and you were wearing that eyeliner? Maybe. You still looked good – it’s a sexy look – but there’s a lot going on.”

The verdict:

Hmmm, it seems that Amy managed to work her soul music magic on Mr Jeff! This look is definitely a keeper (or a subtle version, at least) – who says that you can’t wear big eyes, lips and hair all at once? An idiot, that’s who!

And finally...

Husbands who let their wives photograph and interview them for a beauty website are definitely keepers. A huge special thanks to Mr Jeffrey Charles, who you could probably guess is a stand-up comedian. Check out him out on Twitter (@jeffreycomedy) and YouTube!

Cherry Beale is a jumble of creativity, working mostly as a writer, photographer and illustrator, and occasionally as a designer, actress and art teacher. Her real talents, though, are rapping all of Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa, and hugging her husband and daughter like a barnacle. See more of Cherry’s work on her blog, cherrybeale.wordpress.com