sex

“Use a traffic light system”: The 5 essential steps to trying bondage in the bedroom.

Everybody’s talking about Netflix’s new erotic film 365 DNI, or 365 Days. 

In case you missed it, the Polish drama tells the story of Don Massimo Torricelli, a Sicilian mafia boss who falls for a girl he sees on a beach, called Laura Biel. So far so cliche, but then he decides to (and this is where it gets problematic), kidnap her and give her 365 days to fall in love with him.

It’s 50 Shades of Grey, but darker. And more controversial, thanks to its more blatant themes of sexual manipulation and stockholm syndrome, which has many who might not be familiar with erotic plotlines horrified.

So, let's talk about fantasy and reality and boundaries. Voyeurism, rough sex and BDSM fantasies can be healthy as long as boundaries are really clear. All partners must enthusiastically consent to being part of the fantasy and any acts you're doing. 

Watch: How to have better sex. Post continues below.


Video via Mamamia

Here's how to ensure that happens.

Step one: In a safe, no-pressure environment - where you both have your clothes on and you're in a neutral space - talk about what you'd like to do.

Ensure you can answer honestly and talk about what you do and don't want to do. Discuss any previous experience you have with BDSM -  is it your partner's first time? What are their likes and dislikes? Some of the most extreme masochists don't like their nipples being gently squeezed while others will hang weights off them.

Step two: Ensure everyone knows that at any time consent can be withdrawn.

Check in regularly - are you still enjoying this? Are you OK? Look at body language. If someone doesn't answer, stop - ensure everything is OK.

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Use a traffic light system. Red: Stop. Orange: Slow down. Green: Go. Safe words can also be used but a traffic light system allows more feedback.

Step three: Use the right equipment and practice safe sex. Don't use string or anything that isn't designed for BDSM. (Consider going to a sex store, or ordering what you want online - you and your partner could even do this together to create some excitement ahead of the experience.)

Step four: Consent. Consent. Consent! 

At every stage, check in. Is everyone feeling safe? Is everyone enjoying themselves? Enthusiastic consent is hot! 

Always remember: It's OK to stop. What looks amazing in a film might not feel hot for you in real life. It's OK to say "actually, I don't want this". It might sound silly but practice saying that to your partner before you try anything.

Step five: A hugely important component of BDSM and related fantasies that often isn’t shown in movies and shows is aftercare. 

Aftercare is the time spent after participating in BDSM, where both partners check in with each other and make sure everything is okay.

Listen to Overshare, the podcast you really shouldn't be listening to. Just like the best group chat with your mates, Overshare is a bit smart, a bit dumb and a bit taboo. Post continues below.

When I began my journey into the adult toy world, I knew only a little about vibrators and dildos. Now I know a lot, but the most important thing I know is that there’s absolutely no shame in seeking pleasure.

Everybody has the right to a happy and healthy sex life. Everyone deserves it. It’s empowering to listen to your desires, feel them and act on them in a healthy way. As long as consent is at the heart of your play, it’s a wonderful way to enjoy your body and your partner.

So have fun, I say. Grab some props and get started.

Emma Hewitt is a sex expert with Adult Toy Mega Store. Her podcast  Electro Rodeo celebrates sexuality, sex toys and healthy sex lives. 



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