"14 things I thought about kids before I had them."

Parenting. It all used to be so simple and straightforward. Then I had kids.

So I’m not exactly the kind of parent I thought I would be. That’s because my children aren’t the kind of children I thought they would be. (Ah, just kidding. They’re great.)

But I have to admit, I’ve let go of a few firmly held beliefs and ideals since I’ve become a mum. Like these:

1. “I won’t have to use bribes or threats because I will give a rational explanation for every decision I make.”

Oh yes, I can give a rational explanation. To a two-year-old. He will just bite harder.

2. “I will never use TV as a babysitter.”

Right. Because I have so many other free babysitters on call any hour of the day or night.

3. “If I put healthy food in front of them, they will eat it.”

Make that: if I put toast in front of them, they will eat it. Vegetables seem to possess some mysterious force that repels my children.

"Note: This photo is not in any way representative of my children."

4. "If I stay home with my kids, I might have time to write a book."

Or, perhaps, the occasional Facebook status update.

5. "I will dress my children in denim overalls and adorable little shoes."

I will dress them in anything that's machine-washable and easy to get on and off. Shoes for babies are about as practical as shoes for goldfish.

6. "I won't trot out all those old lines."

'You know there are kids on the other side of the world who are starving,' or 'Money doesn't grow on trees, you know.'They're just so true.

7. "My kids will never, ever wander around the house with just a nappy on."

Oh, come on. It's hot, and they keep taking their clothes off. Who cares?

"Us, just hanging out around the house. Okay, not really."

8. "I won't swear in front of my kids."

Well, if they didn't give me so many reasons to swear, I wouldn't.

9. "I will give my children educational, good-quality toys that will stimulate their imagination, not cheap plastic crap."

But they like cheap plastic crap. And it's cheap.

10. "I'll keep traveling the world - my child can sit on my shoulders while I hike through mountain ranges in Nepal."

Oh yes. I will just need an extra few people to carry the 14 bags full of clothes, nappy change gear, toys and books that I now cannot leave home without.

"One of my family's typical holiday snaps. Not."

11. "I will never, ever talk to other adults about poo."

Okay, so I do talk about poo sometimes, but only really interesting poo. Not your average, everyday poo.

12. "I won't go on and on about how clever and funny my children are."

Ah. That was before I knew how clever and funny my children were going to be.

13. "I will never talk in baby talk."

But it's so cute! Now, do you want your toastie-toast or not, sweetie-weetie?

14. "My kids will fit in with my life, not the other way around."

My life? What? I have one?

What have you stopped thinking since you had kids?

While you're here, CLICK THROUGH the gallery of hilarious kids' cards...

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