10 ways living with a toddler is like being in prison

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overtired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of the parenting experience are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

 10 ways having a toddler is like being in prison

1. You can’t do anything without constant supervision

2. Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up

3. You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower

4. You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night

5. Meal time is fraught with tension

6. Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom

7. You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering

8. You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon

9. Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret

10. Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One way having a toddler is NOT like being in prison

1. Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

Mike Julianelle blogs at Dad and Buried. Read more about his unique spin on parenthood here.