Newsflash: you're doing Instagram wrong.

Recently, heiress Hayley Bloomingdale made waves when she posted an explosive op-ed for Vogue telling us how we’re all making huge fools of ourselves on Instagram.

I clicked on it, hoping that the piece would validate what I knew in my heart to be true: that my Instagram looked pretty damn good and I was some sort of social media wizard who truly deserved more than my meagre 300 followers.

Oh, how wrong I was. It seems that I might as well glue my selfie stick to my head and call it a day because I have failed. For every Instagram post I had gotten right, there are about five that I have gotten oh so wrong.

Because it seems that even though Instagram is free and has over 300 million active users, it's just not for everyone.

Rule 1: Only post Insta-worthy pictures.

But, Hayley, what is an Insta-worthy picture? "In short, anything beautiful, awesome, hilarious or amazing that evokes emotions including but not limited to: laughter. appreciation, jealousy, inspiration."

Unless you are a food blogger, food photos are out. But then Hayley has shared a photo of tomatoes to illustrate this point so I don't even really know what's right anymore. Is the world round still?

Also, quotes are forbidden (FORBIDDEN, you guys) and don't even think of doing something tacky, like oh I don't know a circle of feet, because, and these are Hayley's words not mine "it isn't a good 'gram". Unless of course you have spectacularly unique shoes, in which case the Rules of Fashion trump the Rules of Instagram and you are free to be as snap happy as you so wish.  

Rule 2: Frequency.

I've got this one down pat. I once apologised to my die-hard following (read: begged them not to delete me) when I posted two photos in one day. To be fair, the second photo was of a chimpanzee KISSING HER BABY. It would have been rude not to share that with the world.

Apparently, the absolute limit on photos you can post per day is three. Which is a relief because it was pretty stressful the day I thought I had broken this sacred Instagram covenant.  There are, of course, times when you can break the rule. During Fashion Week (I assume you have to actually attend Fashion Week for this to apply), on your birthday, or when you're on a particularly excellent holiday.  But, be aware, if you do post more than three photos on one day, you must abstain from posting anything the next day.

Rule 3: Filters.

Breaking news, everyone: KELVIN IS DEAD. But we already knew that. Carry on. Valencia forever.

Also, a filter is also a good idea 80% of the time. We all know that no one's real life look like their Instagram feed and that the app offers us a very skewed perception of reality. Which is why it's best to think of your Instagram feed as a highlights reel. Although, if you do want to post photos of yourself at those inopportune moments, more  power to you.

Rule 4: Hashtags. Hashtag sparingly. Hayley suggests you limit yourself to four hashtags per gram and also make sure your hashtags add something to the image. Also, #blessed, like Kelvin, should only be used ironically. If you see someone using #blessed? Unfollow them. "An image of a green juice with the caption #greenjuice #cleanliving #lovemylife #gogreen #blessed #soblessed is clear indicator that you should unfollow that girl and avoid her in real life at all costs," Hayley says.   Rule 5: Likes. Hayley's not going to beat around the bush with this one guys. If you don't get over 11 likes the picture sucks and you might as well delete Instagram and throw your phone in the bin. Unless you have less than 100 followers (only acceptable if you are new to Instagram) in which case - get some friends or go home. "If you've been on there for a while and still don't have more than 100 followers, then maybe Instagram isn't for you. You can always try Tumblr or MySpace." Hayley's not an idiot. She knows that MySpace is the Siberia of the Internet.

Rule 6: Selfies.

I thought selfies had officially made it when it was declared the Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year in 2013. I was wrong. Selfies are the domain of those in the fashun industry, and only appropriate if you must show off an outfit for work purposes or if there is no one available to take the photo for you. Enter, the selfie stick. Oh, shit, wait.

Rule 7: The Selfie Stick. 

I used to think the selfie stick was a blight on modern society and unique to the same breed of people who you can find out the front of major tourist hotspots taking photos on their iPads. And then I went out and traded $9 and any ounce of dignity I had left to buy one. I had become a monster. A monster that dared to put photos taken with said stick on Instagram. Hayley knows this. She says that the selfie stick is the single most embarrassing invention of our time. I say you can take my selfie stick and beat me over the head with it, because I love it. #selfiesticksforever.

Rule 8: The #TBT

"The #TBT (throwback Thursday) is a great chance to post funny pictures from the past that are timely. For example, a vintage holiday picture during the holiday season is very acceptable (though not that creative). It's not appropriate to do a #TBT every single Thursday. If you have two great pictures to share, then  by all means, do two weeks in a row. But don't you dare post a pic on the third week."

I'm going to take Hayley's side on this one. When posted excessively, #TBT, and it's poorer friend flashback Friday can be a little grating. Especially if the photos themselves aren't that old and are being recycled for the umpteenth time. However, I do adore #TBTs that are funny. And at the end of the day, you can post whatever you damn well feel like.

Rule 9: Puppies and Babies. 

Puppies and babies are in. Because people love puppies and babies. My first ever 'gram of a puppy may have only amassed a disappointing two likes, but my most recent puppy snap scored a whopping 52. I often struggle to make it to the coveted 11 likes so this is a BIG DEAL.

However, cats are apparently out. Hayley obviously hasn't heard of the ratings smash hit that was Channel Seven's random show about cats. Sorry, but cats rule the internet with an iron fist.

Rule 10: Location, Location, Location. 

When you're fighting for precious internet real estate, location is everything. This means that there are certain times when an Instagram is unacceptable, such as when you're in the middle of a medical emergency or at a funeral.

Those two really should go without saying, but considering that #funeral has over 400,000 posts it really is worth repeating: if you are at a funeral. Do not take a photo. Do not put a filter over that photo. Do not post that photo online. If you do see a photo that's taken at a funeral, call out the other person on their bullshit and unfollow them immediately.

On a slightly less sombre note, don't post screenshots of your computer or at the gym. Unless, of course you're working out in the company of celebrities or you fall face first, no one wants to see it.

How many of the Instagram rules have you broken?