'A modern etiquette guide is going viral. But Australians? All you need are these 19 rules.'

For some time now, I've had a theory: we have all, every single one of us, forgotten how to behave.

This realisation struck me at some point last year, amidst the chaos of watching one grown man slap another grown man at the Oscars, our Prime Minister holding not one, not two, but SEVEN secret jobs, and singer Adam Levine offering to name his third baby with his wife after the woman he was cheating with.

Respectfully, sir. No. 

Gentlemen, pls, I whispered. Have you no social graces? But it wasn't just the men. 

There was Hilaria Baldwin insisting on speaking in a Spanish accent despite not being, even a little bit, actually Spanish. There was Kim Kardashian moving on from solely photoshopping herself to photoshopping her three-year-old. And Heidi Klum using Halloween as an opportunity to dress as a flesh-coloured, human-sized slug. 

I hate it. 

You see, we've all lost track of the rules. And honestly, who could blame us? It's been a weird few years, punctuated by war, unprecedented weather events, a global pandemic, strict lockdowns, and the awkwardness of our employers asking us to come back to the office when we don't... wanna. 

We're also spending more time online than ever before and everyone's behaving like unhinged psychopaths. 

It would appear other people have noticed this reality too, because last week New York Magazine's The Cut said: ENOUGH. In the form of 140 detailed points, they shared a comprehensive guide for how we should all be conducting ourselves in polite, modern society. 

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It's okay to ghost after one date, instructed one rule. 

If you’re in the office, you’re wearing shoes, stated another somewhat snarky (and in my opinion, blatantly incorrect), point.

It wasn't until I got to instructions like Never ask people what their job is, Always wink (y tho?), Never show that you're impressed by anyone, and Don't talk about a movie when leaving the theatre that I realised that while we're all in desperate need of a 2023 etiquette guide, this one wasn't... it. 

Or perhaps it is for people living in New York City. 

But here in Australia, we don't live in New York City. And it's perfectly fine - nay, polite - to ask people what their job is and also to yell "THAT MOVIE WAS SH*THOUSE" when leaving the cinema. 

So I've developed the Australian etiquette guide no one asked for. 

Ahem. 

1. If someone asks how you are, be honest. Particularly if you have an unexplained pain in your butthole.

It's a conversation starter and if they didn't want to know how you really are, they shouldn't have asked. But also, I genuinely want to know about the pain in your butthole, and maybe suggest you see a doctor. It also gives us something to catch up on next time I see you. 

Lovely xxx Image: Getty.

2. If you bring food or drink to someone's house, insist on taking it home. Also go through their fridge to see what else you can take, and check if they've got spare toilet paper.

This is funny. And in this economy, we can't be donating food and drinks to every person whose house we happen to visit. 

3. If you're describing a TikTok and the person clearly doesn't understand, simply perform the entire video from start to finish.

Do this repeatedly if they still don't know what you're talking about. Perhaps years down the track, they'll realise what it was you were trying to explain, and be quite moved.

'I get it now. I finally get it.'

4. Ask your friends how much they earn. If they don't tell you, they're rich. 

And you shouldn't feel bad if they offer to shout you a drink or ten. 

5. If someone compliments you, you must respond with 'haha ew what's wrong with you'.

An American would earnestly say, 'thank you.' But Australians have self-esteem issues and our biggest fear is appearing arrogant. 

6. If you're friends with, or have ever met, a famous person, you owe everyone in your life 1 (one) piece of off-the-record gossip about them.

This is so important. Don't name drop. Don't use nicknames for the celebrity you met one time. But do share a (preferably harmless) tidbit that provides a little bit of fun. 

'MY LIFE IS INFINITELY BETTER FOR KNOWING THIS INFORMATION.'

7. If you see a baby in public, feel free to squeeze their feet. They have no business being so cute if they don't want to be interacted with.

Sorry but your baby has been smiling at me for 7 full minutes. We have a bond.

8. If you run into an acquaintance with a friend and you've forgotten their name, simply say: ah f*ck forgot your name.

This saves time and energy.

9. When you go away on a group trip, yell I CALL DIBS ON THE BEST ROOM, regardless of whether you were involved in planning.

This gives everyone something to whinge about in their own time. It also sets the tone for someone to call you out for being selfish and/or lazy which is the level of honesty you need for a group holiday. 

10. Post-COVID, you can cancel plans at any stage - including after an event has started. You do, however, grant permission for everyone to bitch about you. 

You can sit at home guilt-free, knowing you never had any intention of going to that dinner. But you can't get mad that the topic of conversation, at least for a few minutes, is... you. 

11. When someone pisses you off on the internet, take it to your group chat like everyone else. 

That's why screenshots were invented. No one needs your mean comment or passive aggressive Instagram story. 

'This is heathy.' Image: Getty.

12. You are more than welcome to text while you walk. But you also accept the possibility that you may be hit by a car.

It's the risk you're willing to take.

13. If your dog barks at a stranger, you must yell a vague excuse at them. Like, 'she hates men in hats,' or 'sorry, he's scared of your helmet.'

Make sure they understand that your dog has their own neuroses, and they're just as valid as those which afflict humans. 

14. If you have allergies, explain what happens when you eat the food.

It helps people understand the severity of the allergy, but also, if you went to hospital one time, that's a story I'd like to know. Pls. 

15. At a fancy dress party, your costume has to make sense. You can't just go as a worm for Halloween. It creates chaos.

I. Thought. You. Had. To. Dress. Scary. 

A worm isn't scary. Also where did you get that. 

Okay so now I feel like I didn't try hard enough. With my broomstick. Image: Getty. 

16. Don't try to actually sing well at karaoke. It's embarrassing.

If you want to actually sing then audition for Australian Idol. Karaoke is exclusively for tone deaf people, and if you're out here doing trills and harmonies, it ruins the vibe. 

17. You can show up to someone's house empty-handed/not bring a gift/forget someone's birthday/get away with almost anything if you're self-aware about it.

Assure people that while you broadly have no social decorum, that doesn't mean you don't care. In fact, you care very much. It's just that your ability to plan ahead has been eroded by your addiction to technology which is definitively not your fault. 

18. If you're stuck in a conversation you don't want to be in, say, 'oh my goodness I need to do a poo,' in quite a surprised voice and leave. 

No one would lie about that. It's also incredibly urgent. 

BYE NOW. 

19. If someone's tag is hanging out, fkn chill. It's fine. They're fine. We're all fine.

Same goes for when someone mispronounces a word. Or has their shirt on inside out. The stakes are low. We can all cope. 

These 19 rules are all you'll ever need to behave appropriately in modern Australia. Our etiquette is simple. Be honest, except for sometimes. Don't try too hard. Be self-aware and self-deprecating. 

And what's the worst that could happen? Everyone might think you're strange and you may be exiled from society. 

But, hey. Would that be so bad? 

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram or TikTok.