Miranda Kerr's mum has a diet that makes Pete Evans' look normal.

Once a week the curtain is peeled back to reveal the eating habits of the rich and famous folk.

‘My Day On A Plate’ is the Sunday Life magazine column that, in recent years, has become notorious for shining the spotlight on some particularly fad-tastic diets.

A few years back it was Pete Evan’s plate that had us raising a brow (sorghum, sprouted millet, or activated almonds, anyone? If you don’t remember, you can read about Pete’s #DayOnAPlate here). But in the hotseat this weekend was none other than Therese Kerr, healthiest woman alive and mother to Her Royal Highness Angel Queen of the Dimple, Miranda.

When she’s not passing down exceptional genes or sipping on reverse osmosis water (Google it), Therese heads up a highly successful health empire. Her website identifies her as a “visionary, public speaker, author, and advocate for holistic family health”, and she’s also created an organic personal care line called ‘Divine’. Therese is Mother Nature personified.

Have a look at 50-year-old Kerr’s Day on a Plate here:

In case you can’t read that text, that’s:

As someone who lives in the heartland of Trendy Organic People (aka. North Bondi), I’m generally pretty familiar with health food buzz words, but Therese’s list had even me stumped.

So, without further ado, let’s explore the wonderful mystery that is the average daily food consumption of Therese Kerr.

HOMEMADE KEFIR

After googling kefir I had to take a moment, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think of non-vomit related imagery like deserts and dry bread and glass marbles. And then I bravely returned to the instructional imagery of how to make kefir, which, from all accounts, seems to be combining liposuction, ricotta cheese, old bandages, and a glass of goats milk. *Gag* Something to do with straining. Soaking. Fermenting. Don’t worry about thanking me for this investigation, guys, because ~SeriOus joUrnaliSm~

REVERSE OSMOSIS WATER

Reading about ‘reverse osmosis water’ was like that time I went for a job interview with a big, serious, financial, company thing with an imposing receptionist and glass doors.

Every question they asked me came in the format of an acronym. “So, Maggie, can you tell us how you would UVF review the JCG performance of the HTTP content each FYQ?” There was a lot of leaning back in my chair with slitted eyes trying to thinking of the most polite way to say, “Can I leave now?”

BEEF STEW WITH CHICKEN AND VEGETABLES AND QUINOA

Ok, so I get that protein is a big tick, but am I the only person who finds mixing meats a bad idea? I had to endure several ‘mixed meats’ meals at boarding school, and all I’m saying is, enduring a whole meal wondering whether what you’re eating is pork or chicken is like some kind of heinous war torture. ONE MEAT PER MEAL, FOLKS. ONE MEAT ONLY.

FLOURLESS ALMOND BUTTER COOKIE

Thanks to the internet, I know how to make a choc-chip birthday cupcake in a coffee mug, and 50 ways to use Cheese Whip, but for the life of me – I do NOT know you make a cookie without flour. What do you use? Ground up tree bark? Talcum powder? Shredded newspaper?

CERTIFIED ORGANIC SALMON

With family and friends who all carefully subscribe to organic diets, I know I’m going to cop some serious flack for this buuuuuuttt WHAT IS NON ORGANIC SALMON? Does that make it fake, like a toy plastic salmon? Or does it just mean it’s been sitting out on an ice-filled bain marie in a suburban Woolworths for too long with part of a teenager’s hairnet stuck to the bottom?

Let me follow the above with a home truth: I am a terrible eater. Depending on the day, my lunch hour is spent either shovelling a burrito; or chewing on not much more than my headphones cord and my fingernails. Adult Eating is a level I am yet to unlock, and if something wanted to see my day on a plate, they better be prepared with a platter instead.

So right on, Therese. Your day on a plate looks like my New Years Resolution (less fingernails, more fruit) and the only reason we’re smirking is because deep down, we all know that you’ve kicked our butt. We’re all hiding secret Menulog accounts, lunchtime Kit Kat binges, and a cheeky swig of last night’s merlot with our microwave dinner.

Respect.

Did you recognise any of these ingredients?

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