Jihadi Jake and teenagers who kill: When does parental responsibility end?

As a parent, when is it that you stop being responsible for your child’s decisions and actions?

Is it when they leave home? When they reach the age of independence, 18? Or is it even younger, when they learn to drive of when they become a teenager? Perhaps you’re always responsible… to some extent.

Only one week ago, John Bilardi lost his son Jake for the second time.

The first time, 18-year-old Jake had, unbeknownst to his family, travelled to Iraq to join extremist Islamic group, IS. The second time John lost his son was last week when Jake was killed by a suicide bomber.

Last night John Bilardi spoke to 60 Minutes about the boy he raised, the boy he always felt responsible for, the boy who grew into a man now known as Jihadi Jake, a man who tried to wreak irrevocable damage on innocent people.

The devastation you can hear in John’s voice as he talks about his boy, is palpable.

In the revealing and powerful interview, John Bilardi, takes full – read FULL – responsibility for his son’s violent actions.

Bilardi was under the impression that his son had travelled to Uganda to be involved with ‘charity work’. He admits to being aware that his son was “different” but maintains that as a parent, was blindsided that his “shy and lonely” son could be involved with such extreme violence and hatred.

An emotional Bilardi went on to tell 60 Minutes that his son “had psychological issues… that should have been addressed and I feel totally responsible… He was my son. I knew there was something not right with his behaviour.”

Bilardi is, of course, not alone as a parent who was blindsided by his child’s double life. He now finds himself in an unfortunate and unenviable club. A club which no parent would ever seek membership. One where parents are seemingly oblivious to their child’s calculating and evil dark side.

A club Jeff Williams also unwittingly became a life member of.

In 2001, Jeff Williams received a phone call that his son, Andy had taken his 22-calibre revolver and 40 bullets to his high school in Santee, California, and opened fire and shot dead 2 classmates and wounded 13 others, 11 of them students.

Jeff Williams found himself straddling that curious space of supporting his son with unconditional love and questioning whether he somehow contributed to his son’s evil behaviour. He examined his own role in his son's behaviour. Had his divorce contributed to the killing spree or was the bullying his son was apparently receiving at school the eventual trigger?

Whilst Jeff Williams never condoned his sons’ actions, he also needed to reconcile within himself whether he was partly or fully to blame. His son Andy was reportedly prone to violent outbursts and even, it was later revealed, promised to “pull a Columbine” to his classmates.

Jeff Williams maintains that at no time did he suspect his son was capable of such a gruesome act...

Closer to home, the parents of convicted killer Daniel Kelsall, Mark and Lynne Kelsall, took the unusual step of thanking one of the lawyers who proved their son to be a murderer. They live with the knowledge and accept that their son is a murderer but say they remain unconditional in their love towards Daniel, as his parents.

So are these parents just wearing parental blinkers? Had there been obvious signs that they’d missed or overlooked or simply explained away? Even if there had been, at what point is it their responsibility as a parent to do anything about it? And where exactly does parental responsibility end when you can no longer control their online and outside activities?

Can these evil doings be blamed on the rising violence in video games, gruesome acts played out in movies and on TV, brutal music lyrics, bullying both online and in the school yard or even the instability of the family unit? Or simply are these people just born evil?

And what exactly should a parent be looking out for anyway? Are there a certain set of circumstance or actions that these killers have displayed before they went on a rampage or joined extremist groups?

Professor Paul Frick of the University of New Orleans - who specialises in childhood psychopathology - lists 10 warning signs to look out for in our children:

1.??They persistently hurt, bully or fight others, or violate their rights by stealing or vandalising.
2.??They break major rules, such as running away from home or staying out late.
3.??They show no guilt when told off for doing wrong, e.g., pushing another child into the road.
4.??They show a persistent callous disregard for other people’s feelings — not just siblings (e.g., pushing another child off a swing and being unmoved by their distress).
5.??They persistently don’t care about how well they do in, say, school, even when the expectations are clear and they are capable.
6.??They seem cold and unfeeling, only showing emotions to intimidate or manipulate.
7.??They blame others for their mistakes, rather than accept responsibility themselves.
8.??They are fearless and like doing novel and dangerous activities.
9.??They are unmoved by the threat of punishment (e.g., ‘if you do that, I am going to take away your bike’).
10.??They are highly motivated by reward or what they’ll get out of something, even if it hurts others (e.g., stealing).

Yet, in many cases, the above aren’t obvious. Daniel Kelsall was described by his parents as a sweet and thoughtful young man. So blindsided were they by their son's actions, it was only after they heard undeniable court evidence, that Mark and Lynne Kelsall could accept that their son was a killer; a psychopath.

Part of the problem is that teenagers of a certain age tend to become reclusive and secretive anyway. This doesn’t mean they are plotting to become members of IS or are serial killers in the making but the conundrum for parents remains, how do you separate the serious from the normal teen behaviour?

Have you parented a teenager? What age do you think parents stop being responsible for their children's actions?