Silent conflict: 'My family is now defined by what we don't say.'

They say we shouldn’t discuss politics or religion at the dinner table. Maybe they should amend that to include ‘or with family’. That is, if you want to keep speaking to each other.

Mine is a family where relationships have become defined more by what isn’t said than was is. It’s happened more as we’ve got older.We hold our tongues and stay quiet to keep the peace. We seldom call out family members, even when they deserve it.

I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when we started to consciously choose silence over confrontation. I certainly had no problem at all showing my brother how I felt – both physically and verbally – when I was younger. Our fights were often unwarranted and usually triggered by the most trivial of things. Perhaps he took to long to walk down the hallway in front of me, maybe he touched my stuff without asking. Whatever it was, it would flare into the mother of all smackdowns. As kids, we competed on an equal, often hate-fuelled playground.

The next day, we'd wake up, wipe the slate clean and start all over again.

Around the time we both moved out of home and tried to be grownups, we stopped speaking our minds. In truth, we stopped really talking at all for a bit.

Then, when we both realised we weren't cut out for the bills and rent we moved back home, and our relationship changed again. This time around, we found ourselves becoming friends, and actually liking each other. We had a common enemy and it was no longer each other - it was with the big wide world. We hung out together, rarely argued and genuinely enjoyed each other's company.

Then we evolved again. We grew, we married, we had children. Our relationship evolved into something very different. With maturity came opinion. With opinion can come divide. And with divide, can come conflict. And so I learned if I want to keep my family and friends close, I need to zip my lips, keep my opinion to myself and sometimes take one for the team.

Social media connect us to family in ways we never once were. In some ways, this is great - but there's a definite downside. Our eyes are opened to exactly how some family feel.

What are we supposed to do when we see status updates damning refugees or spewing hatred? Do we fight the good fight and possibly sever the relationship forever - or do we just quietly scroll past and make a mental note to never engage in a discussion about politics at the next family reunion?

And often it's not even the big things we hold our tongues about. Sometimes it could just be the gruff way your mother spoke to your child or the off-the-cuff racist remark your cousin made at a barbecue.

And if, like me, you live far away from your family, you are also acutely aware you only get to see these people once or twice a year. If you start a fight over something small when the rest of the visit has been pleasant, you'll end up 'ruining it for everyone'.

But is this healthy? Why do we allow ourselves to be taken for granted by a sibling or family member? Does remaining silent just feed a red hot boil that one day, without warning, will explode?

Recently a friend told me that she and her sister were now estranged.

This didn't particularly surprise me: my friend's sister is a consistently difficult person to be around. She's constantly jealous she doesn't live my friend's  seemingly privileged life. She's an undeniably negative force. I asked my friend on numerous occasions: "If she wasn't your sister, would she be your friend?"

She always answered (albeit reluctantly) that no, she wouldn't have a friend in her life who treated her the way her sister did.

Things came to a head and my friend, who had finally had enough, stated her case. Her sister ceased communication.

Was it the right thing to do?

I checked in with her yesterday. She told me: "No, I wished I'd never said anything. I'm so incredibly sad that we aren't talking. It feels like I'm less than I was and even though she was hard to get along with, I miss her every day.

"And if I'm honest, I"m scared that we'll never speak again".

Do you have a similar relationship with a family member? One where, instead of saying what you really mean or actually thinking, you choose to remain silent because you know that the fall out just will not be worth it? Or perhaps, like my friend, it has all gotten too much and you've cracked. Perhaps you too have regretted it. We'd love for you to share your story with us.

If you enjoyed this, why not try these:

What will I do with my frozen babies?

To declutter, I needed to let go of one special thing

This is the most difficult year you and your daughter will ever have