So we all know sex is a totally natural – and usually very enjoyable – part of life. But sometimes when things get going and you get caught up in the moment, it can get… well… messy.
Throw in some nudity and plenty of vigorous movement and things are bound to go pear-shaped sometimes!
So to make you feel better, 11 very brave women decided to share the most memorable or embarrassing mishaps they’ve ever experienced between the sheets.
Strap yourself in, it’s a wild ride!
“The next hour was spent in emergency mode.”
“When I was a teenager, I had a long-term boyfriend, and we had an excellent sex life. He was the first person I'd ever had sex with and we were just obsessed with each other – clearly too much. One night we were at a friend's house party and we got so drunk that we had sex over the basin in the bathroom, fairly standard stuff. The terrible realisation came the next morning when we noticed that he had a strange graze on the end of his dick. After a little investigative work, we realised that I had had a tampon in the night before that had been ignored because we were so drunk that he kind of... pushed into me. The next hour was spent in emergency mode with my legs in the air and him trying to retrieve this tampon that had lodged deep, DEEP, into my vagina – sideways. In retrospect, I thank the lord above that he managed to fish it out eventually instead of being forced into a harrowing GP visit.”
“I almost left him with a piercing!”
"As a teenager, I had a nose piercing and I was wearing a nose ring that wasn’t a complete circle. Mid act, the opening of the ring caught onto his nose and when I pulled away I almost left him with a nose piercing of his own! Mortifying.”
“I ended up with two black eyes.”
"I was with a new guy and was getting into some very enthusiastic doggy style when we got a little carried away. After one particularly vigorous thrust, I somehow managed to smash my face into a wall! He was totally mortified when I ended up with not one, but two black eyes. If anyone asked about it, I mumbled something about tripping over but I never really admitted to anyone what happened. Unsurprisingly, things didn’t work out between us after that!"
“I hid it under the toilet rolls.”
"I went home with a guy after a night out to his place. I hadn’t expected it, so I was wearing unsexy shapewear under my dress, so I took it off in the bathroom and hid it in his bathroom cupboard, vowing to pick it up before I left. Obviously, I forgot, and remembered the next morning in my hungover state after I got home that next time he went into his cupboard, he'd find a rolled up pair of skims hidden behind the loo roll!”
“I noticed poo on the bed.”
“I had been dating a guy for a while when we started getting a bit more adventurous in the bedroom. He asked me to put a sex toy up his bum, which I’d never done before, but I thought ‘okay, why not try something new?’. But when I pulled it, he pooed all over the bed. He was totally mortified, but at least I got a memorable story out of it!”
“I found a condom… inside her.”
“I once went on a date with a woman, many many moons ago when I was in my early twenties. This was actually before I came out and while I was still 'experimenting' / 'getting to know myself.' It was a second date and we went back to her place and one thing lead to another. I am way too cringed to go into full details but during the process, but it came to light that there was a condom in her.... perhaps from the night before – I didn't ask. There is nothing wrong with a woman being a sexual being and she could have slept with whoever she wanted prior. BUT considering the sitch and what other person that condom could have touched, I didn't feel like continuing! It is now a story all my friends know and we laugh (and cringe!) about.”
“They all walked in screaming.”
“I was hooking up with someone who is actually part of my friendship group. It happened at my house, whilst everyone was still downstairs. Right at the most pivotal moment, a group of our friends walked in and all screamed. After all the yelling and gasps, they then awkwardly shuffled out of the room. It was the longest few seconds of my life waiting for them to leave. When we finally recovered from the embarrassment and went downstairs, everyone clapped just as a cherry on the cake!”
“It shot right into his eye.”
"I was giving my boyfriend at the time head, and we had a very clear understanding that he wasn't to finish in my mouth. I'm just not into it, it's not my thing. So he let me know when he was about to, er, pop off, and I moved back to finish with my hand, not realising the angle at which I held the gun... his load shot up over his torso and straight into his left eye. We were both laughing hysterically, but he was also in pain – apparently, it burns!”
“I noticed I was bleeding.”
"I was a bit of a late bloomer so when I got together with my first boyfriend at 19, it felt like such a big deal to lose my virginity. After a few weeks, we organised a special night that I was going to stay at his place and he cooked dinner, put music on, the whole shebang. Then when moved into the bedroom and started getting hot and heavy on his sheets, I noticed I was bleeding. I had got my period TWO WEEKS EARLY (which never happens to me!) right as I was about to have sex for the first time. Needless to say, things didn’t go ahead that night and he ended up driving me to Coles to buy tampons instead. Thankfully, he was really lovely and supportive – and I ended up marrying him!”
“I broke his penis.”
"I’d been seeing this guy for a few months when we started getting 'hot and heavy' in the shower. We were both really enjoying it and got a bit overenthusiastic when I went to change positions and he started to scream. And I mean screeeeeam. Somehow the quick manoeuvre had torn something in his penis. We had to scramble to get dressed, while he was still moaning in pain, and rush to the hospital to get it checked out. Basically, I had broken his penis!"
“I passed out."
"We'd only ever tried a bit of choking once before and it was great, so this was the second time. It was after a night out so we were both pretty tipsy. I guess he went a little too hard for too long and I blacked out for a few seconds. He was pretty freaked out – but you know what they say, when you fall off the horse, you've gotta get straight back on. So to speak!"
Image: Canva + Mamamia.
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