DIVORCE DIARIES: 'I was married at 21 and divorced by 28.'

Welcome to Mamamia's Divorce Diaries. A space where stories of separation, grief, growth and resilience are shared in candid detail – painting a very honest picture of divorce in its day-to-day state. 

This week we hear from Leigh*, a woman in her 40s who married and separated from her husband all while they were still in their 20s. Here's how her story unfolded.

First, let's rewind: How did you and your spouse first meet? What was your first date? How were the early days of dating?

We met when we were 15 at a friend's party. I saw him and we were both pretty much smitten straight away. He asked me out that night and our first date was meeting in town and hot chips for lunch. We only dated for a few weeks initially. He had a very close friend die and he broke it off.

Our friendship circles were pretty intertwined, so I still saw him around which was pretty heartbreaking. I ended up dating someone else for close to two years. During that time, every time we were around each other he would pursue me. He said he realised he’d made a mistake, he’d been pretty messed up and wanted to be with me. I remained with my boyfriend, but it got harder to ignore the way I felt, so I broke it off and we got back together.

What were your expectations of marriage? 

We both came from broken families with pretty rough backgrounds and were desperate to build our own happy family and be desperately in love. We wanted to be married but don’t think that at such a young age understood that our idea of what an ideal marriage was and the reality were two different things. And also didn’t understand the work involved in building a good marriage. We were getting pressure from our families to get married and have kids, because they were also invested in us having what they didn’t.

What was the proposal like? And how did you feel immediately after it?

I knew he had the ring because we had picked it out and paid it off together, but it had been months and no proposal. I was worried he’d returned it and spent the money – we were 20 and just gotten our first mortgage so money was tight. 

I was pressuring him in not-so-subtle ways to propose. He’d booked a weekend away, and a fancy dinner, but proposed on the beach beforehand, because he was too nervous to do it in public. I felt apprehensive afterward, guilty that I had pressured him and guilty I didn’t feel as excited as I ‘should’ have been.

And how was the wedding? Did it go as planned? Do you have any regrets about the big day?

In stark contrast, the wedding was amazing! 

We had the epitome of a dream wedding. I had the huge dress, the professional photographer the fancy dinner. Everything went off without a hitch, it was romantic, and it was like all the issues we had in our relationship disappeared for the day. The reception was a blast; I am so grateful for the memories from that day.

How long after getting married did you get divorced? 

We were separated not long after our daughter was born. 

He would leave and come back – that had been the pattern from early on. Having our daughter changed things, because although I had excused away his behaviour, I couldn’t do that to her. When she was 18 months old we separated for good, and divorced when I was 27.

When did things take a turn for the worse?

Early on, before we were married, but escalated when I was pregnant. 

After our daughter was born his behaviour became more erratic. He’d leave and come back, go for weekends away and come back with no money or really depressed. He was using recreational drugs and I'm pretty sure he was cheating.

At what point did you know you wanted to get a divorce? 

By this stage, he had left and returned more times than I could count. I knew that there had been cheating and his behaviour was erratic and unsafe. 

I had grown up with my parents separating and reconciling and I couldn’t do that to my daughter. Instead of him leaving me, I asked him to leave, and that’s when I knew we were done. It was awful, I was very much still in love with him.

After 18 months of being separated, he was still sporadically pushing to reconcile. 

After some breathing space, I really felt like a different person and ready to start a new life. I sent a text requesting the divorce, and at that stage I had no idea where he was.

How did the first 'divorce conversation' with your partner go?

He did not take it well. There were abusive messages from his family and pressure from mine to keep our family together ‘for the sake of our daughter’. I had every accusation under the sun thrown at me: I was cheating! I wanted child support! I wanted to take his daughter away!! Then he begged and at one point he even threatened suicide.

I pushed forward with the paperwork.

How was the divorce process? 

He had left me with around $30k of debt and I was supporting myself and child on my income alone.

I had to speak to Legal Aid to get advice on how to apply for a divorce. It was a hard process to understand for someone who had no experience and couldn’t afford a solicitor. It only cost me the court fees and the morning off work. He finally agreed after months of me asking, met me in a park to sign the papers and didn’t show up to the hearing.

Was anyone else affected by your separation? 

We didn’t put a custody agreement in place. From time to time he would pop up and want to see our child, but disappeared completely for close to five years. He eventually wanted access, but I requested mediation beforehand and he couldn’t stick to the agreement. 

I hadn’t had many friends during our relationship as he was pretty controlling of that, so I found myself divorced and alone at 27, building a life from the ground up.

Do you talk to your ex-husband now? 

We rarely speak. He messages a few times a year to check-in. He would see our daughter from time to time, but as the years have passed, he has visited less and less and she now refuses to see him at all.

How do you feel about your ex now?

I loved him very much and letting go of that was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. That love has been replaced with sadness for where his personal trauma and choices have led him. I wish he could find some sort of happiness and healing.

What is your life like now? 

I honestly feel like I have lived two lives, and the divorce feels like someone else’s story. I have a big family, two more children and a doting husband who’s an extrovert and we share a big social circle. I’m financially stable and have an open-door policy – our house is always full of the family we have chosen and built with our friends. My life is busy, chaotic and full. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened – it led me here.

How do you feel about the label of 'divorced'?

I don’t feel like it’s really even a label anymore. Everyone I know could have a label of some sort, I wear mine with pride, it’s the experiences I have lived through and the choices I make that have made me.

What advice would you give someone about to go through a divorce?

Seek advice from professionals. There is free advice available everywhere if you know where to look. Have counseling for yourself. Make lists. Take time to breathe. Forgive yourself. Be gentle.

And if you’re considering getting married: trust your gut, not your heart.

200,000 Australians filed for divorce in the past two years alone, and we want to hear from those Aussies (and the ones that took the plunge well before that). The heartbroken, the angry, the satisfied and the never-been-happier divorcees who want to share their side of the story. The Mamamia Divorce Diaries is a space for candid sharing of those stories – whatever shape and size their tale comes in. If you're wanting to share your story, then please head here to do so. 

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