Dads. They’re so dumb, right?
They can’t cook. They can’t change nappies. They never comb the kids’ hair. A “daddy day care day” will just lead to a night when mum will just have to do twice the work when she gets home, amiright?
That exhausted cliche couldn’t be further from my experience. In my house, it’s Dad who often gets up in the night to deal with bad dreams, coughing fits and that strange noise in the wall. It’s Dad who does drop-off more days than not, and it’s Dad who gives the kids their dinner three out of five nights.
In my house, there’s nothing ‘dumb’ about Dad in the domestic realm. But our family, it seems, is far from typical.
When blogger Rosie Devereux wrote a piece on her blog in defence of dads recently, she was feted for supporting her man, and then inevitably attacked for suggesting that dads could ever be as good as mums. She was criticised for taking seriously the jibes and jokes about fathers – and for suggesting that they were disrespectful and unhelpful. That they might actually be holding us all back. Because if the men are so universally useless, what’s a girl to do but to take it all on herself, after all?
I couldn’t agree with Rosie more, and I set out to discuss the excellence of fathers on This Glorious Mess, Mamamia’s podcast about family life. My co-host, very good dad Andrew Daddo, and a guest, dad of almost-two, writer Jeffrey Charles, were to back me up. GO DADS.
It didn’t happen that way:
There is a certain breed of father who has a vested interest in maintaining a facade of bumbling incompetence. After all, if you are rubbish at stuff, eventually people will stop asking you to do it.
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My husband is not dumb, in fact he is super smart, but he does suffer from domestic blindness. He is great with our daughter and spends loads of time with her but he would never fill in a form for school or remember sports clothes or excursion money etc. He does not vacuum, sweep, clean bathrooms or toilets, he cooks once a week and occasionally does dishes. He does his own washing, I do mine, our daughter's, all the sheets and towels etc. He is a great Dad, but the division of labour in our household is very uneven, even if you factor in the fact that he does more hours of paid work than I do. He is not dumb, but lots of things aren't on his radar. He doesn't remember to take a water bottle when they go out, so he always has to buy her a drink. He doesn't notice that things need to be done. He will take her out to the beach at 6pm, not thinking that she would need to do homework, have dinner and have a shower before getting to bed at 8. She loves going to the beach with Dad, but then once they get home it's a mad rush to get through everything and get her to sleep on time. Like most stereotypes, there is a kernel of truth at the centre.
The stats are clear women complete the vast majority of work at home and often hold a full time job as well. My mother in law cooked cleaned and did everything for my husband. I have had to teach him how to cook, clean, turn on the washing machine etc. Seriously! It doesn't come naturally to him as he never had to do it growing up. He has come a long way, but I wonder sometimes if it is all too convienent that he doesn't know. I look at a room and could list what needs to be done, he would be lucky to identify more than one. They are skills to be learnt. It's great to know there are men you just do it or giving a good go of it. This will take generations to shift.