If there's one conversation to start with your kids, make it this.

Content warning: This story contains information readers may find confronting or distressing, related to topics including child sexual abuse, suicide and self-harm, and may be triggering for some readers. If you need support, visit ChildSafety.gov.au/Get-support

Some of the most magical moments in parenting or mentoring kids are the conversations we have with them. The stories your two-year-old tells in babbling run-on sentences. Hearing the third grader in your class explain the nature of gravity with such enthusiasm and delight. Talking with the teens you coach and watching their brains come up with novel ways to make our world better. 

These conversations can light your soul on fire, fill you with awe and remind you what life is really about. But that’s the thing about raising or teaching young people — it’s full of contradictions. Because there are also conversations you dread. The conversations you hope you’ll never have to have about things too unimaginable to speak of.

You could be forgiven for thinking the best way to handle something too horrible for words, is to never mention it. Child sexual abuse is one such subject. It’s unthinkable which makes it unspeakable and that’s exactly why we have to talk about it.

As powerless as we might sometimes feel when it comes to the round-the-clock safety of our kids, there are some simple and proven ways we can help protect them from the worst of our world, so they can continue to remind us of the beauty and wonder it has to offer. 

So just how big is this issue? 

In early 2023, the Australian Child Maltreatment Study (ACMS) revealed national prevalence estimates and the long-term effects of five key types of child maltreatment that the authors described as ‘sobering’. Over one in four (28.5 per cent) of Australians aged 16 years and over reported experiencing child sexual abuse. And for 78 per cent of these Australians, the child sexual abuse was not a once-off. 

Girls are most at risk, with female-identifying Australians having experienced child sexual abuse at more than twice the rate of their male counterparts (37.3 per cent compared to 18.8 per cent). The report also revealed that abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Nearly one in four (23.3 per cent) of Australians experienced between 3-5 types of abuse.

Why do we need to talk to our kids about it?

According to research for the national ‘One Talk at a Time’ child safety campaign, while the overwhelming majority of us will agree this is an important issue that needs active engagement, only one in eight of us will have actually spoken with children and young people about it. 

Of course, avoidance is a completely natural response. But it puts us at risk of perpetuating a broader culture of silence around the issue, as well as assuming the risk is somewhere far outside our safety bubbles when this just isn’t the case. Understandably, the research also showed that a lot of us feel like talking openly about this topic will have a more negative effect on our young ones. We might worry about eroding their innocence and trust in the world, about creating a fear and mistrust in adults, or forcing them to mature ahead of their time.

It’s also very common to feel ill-equipped to handle potential questions or worry that the child won’t engage or respond well to the conversation.

The reason it’s so important to normalise these conversations (delivered in a supportive and age-appropriate way), is that the more we know about something, the better we are at detecting it and intervening to prevent it. The more comfortable that kids will be in knowing what to watch for in interactions they have and also those they observe. By talking to them about this, we give children and young people the language to tell us when something is not right, and send the message that we will listen to them when they do. 

In essence, talking about child sexual abuse can help prevent it, and break down barriers to disclosure. 

The reality is, no milestone in a child’s life will indicate it’s time to start this conversation. Starting school, going on camp, first sleepover… perpetrators don’t wait for milestones. They’re opportunistic, so the best defence is open and ongoing age-appropriate conversions. 

How does child sexual abuse happen?

According to the National Strategy to Prevent and Respond to Child Sexual Abuse, “Child sexual abuse is any act that exposes a child or young person to, or involves a child or young person in, sexual activities that they do not understand, they do not or cannot consent to, are not accepted by the community and are unlawful.”

What we also know is that the majority of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the child knows, and that it can happen anywhere, online, at home, within organisations and trusted institutions. 

While there’s no typical profile of a person who perpetrates child sexual abuse, we do know that men are more likely than women to commit sexual abuse.

The ACMS found in recent years, children and young people are experiencing more sexual harm from their peers compared to adult perpetrators, inversing the experiences of older generations (aged 25 years and older). 

This suggests harmful sexual behaviours displayed by children and young people may be on the rise.

Children and young people (under the age of 18) can display harmful sexual behaviours towards other children. As outlined in the National Strategy, a child or young person with harmful sexual behaviours is not labelled as an ‘offender’ or ‘perpetrator’ as these terms place them within an adult construct, equating their actions and intent to those of adult sexual offenders. However, this distinction does not detract from the significant harm that victims and survivors can experience as a result of harmful sexual behaviours. 

Perpetrators of child sexual abuse come in all forms, from all backgrounds and all walks of life, and knowing this, while horrifying, means understanding the need for proactive measures. You can find out more at the National Office for Child Safety’s website.

What is the impact?

The impacts of child sexual abuse are present early, and are far-reaching. Some of the impacts can be hard to measure, but we know they can include negative impacts on a person’s relationships, education, employment and financial security, and physical health outcomes. 

Child sexual abuse experiences have a strong association with poor mental health, nearly doubling the probability of experiencing mental health disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. 

In addition, the report found those who experienced child sexual abuse were at a significantly increased risk of becoming drug dependent (specifically cannabis), attempting suicide, and participating in self-harm. There is also a marked impact on society as a whole, with those who have experienced child sexual abuse accessing health services across the board at much higher rates than those who have not experienced abuse. 

What can adults do?

Become informed

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably feeling a bit overwhelmed by what we’re facing here. You might be feeling helpless, angry, scared or even a bit numb. Know that these reactions are a deeply human response to something unthinkable, and you’re not alone if you’re at a loss for how to tackle something like this. But that’s the thing: you’re here, you’re reading this, and that means you’re taking an incredible first step towards prevention. 

Firstly, we need to remember that as adults, we are all responsible for the safety of the children and young people in our lives, so it’s a good idea to start by learning what behaviours to watch for when interacting with the kids in your care.

Lead with your head but nurture your heart — one of the biggest barriers to having these proactive and preventative conversations is the disconnect between what we think and how deeply we feel about the issue. Intellectually we know how important it is to protect our precious kids from harm, but our hearts simply can’t handle the pain of thinking and talking about the issue. 

Understanding child sexual abuse, how it occurs, and how to create safe environments for children and young people is an important step in preventing it. You can learn more on the National Office for Child Safety’s website.

Learn how best to have these conversations with kids

You will find an incredibly detailed list of tips in the National Office for Child Safety’s Conversations Toolkit. The toolkit offers guidance and resources to support parents, carers and other adults who play a role in the lives of children and young people to have these conversations about child sexual abuse. 

It isn’t just parents who should be having these conversations — it’s anyone who has children and young people in their lives.

And if you’re at a loss as to where to begin, you’re not alone. Start by looking for opportunities to incorporate these conversations into chats about bodies and relationships, comfort and personal safety, as well as consent and respect.   

Tips for talking to pre-school kids about child sexual abuse

• Explain to them what it means to feel ‘unsafe’ and give some examples of how their bodies might tell them they’re feeling unsafe (like a funny feeling in the tummy, fast heart, feeling worried). 

• Empower them to act on these feelings by doing their best to leave the person they don’t feel safe with and going to tell someone who makes them feel safe about what they’re feeling. Identify who these safe people are together. 

• Talk to them about the places they feel most safe and why. Then ask about places that make them feel less safe so they know the difference. 

• Talk about the difference between secrets and surprises. A surprise is something a child isn’t supposed to tell at first but will be revealed later. This should be fun, like a present they’ve gotten their sister for her birthday. Secrets, and especially unsafe secrets might make them feel worried or sad. Like someone telling them they’re going to do something wrong, or a person asking them not to tell anyone what they did that day. Encourage them to always tell you about any secrets that make them feel worried or yucky. 

• Empower your child to say ‘No’ to any unwanted physical touch, even things like hugging or kissing family members or friends. “Stop it, I don’t like that,” and, “It’s my body and my choice” are great phrases to teach little ones. Their bodies are their own. 

• Good reasons and bad reasons — teach them that no grown-up or child has the right to touch them, or to show them private parts of their bodies without a good reason. (Good reasons: doctors and nurses, parents or guardians changing nappy or in the bath). 

• Teach them the correct anatomical names for body parts. This will give them the correct language if they ever need to share something with you. 

Tips for talking to primary school kids about child sexual abuse

• Explain to them what it means to feel ‘unsafe’ and give some examples of how their bodies might tell them they’re feeling unsafe (like a pounding heart, sweaty palms, tense muscles and feeling sick). 

• Empower them to leave the company of anyone who makes them feel unsafe. 

• Talk about safe and unsafe places. Safe might be with lots of people especially those they trust, and unsafe might be isolated places without people around who can help them. 

• Further talk about surprises and unsafe secrets. A surprise should be fun and make people feel good, like a birthday party where the birthday girl doesn’t know it’s happening until they arrive. An unsafe secret might make them feel scared and the person telling it might tell them not to tell the people they trust. It’s important they always share these with us so we can help manage them. 

• Empower your child to say no to anything they don’t feel comfortable doing. And let them know they won’t be punished for following their own instincts. 

• Teach them that their bodies are their own and that they must always tell you or someone they trust if someone asks to see or touch their private parts or wants to show them theirs. 

• Continue using the correct anatomical names for body parts. This will give them the correct language if they ever need to share something with you.

Tips for talking to teens about child sexual abuse

• Make sure your teen understands that when it comes to their bodies, what they say goes. No one is allowed to touch, look at, or take photos of their bodies, or do anything of a sexual nature without their explicit consent. They also shouldn’t be pressured or encouraged to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, scared or unsafe.

• Introduce the idea that while most people do the right thing, sometimes people will try to put them in situations where their bodily autonomy is not respected. This may be from someone they know and trust, and it could make them feel that they can’t say no or that it’s their fault. Explain that it is never their fault and they should always come to you with any worries. 

• Talk about and model healthy and respectful relationships so that your teen knows how they deserve to be treated. You can also use scenes from shows or films you’re watching together to start these chats. 

• Continue to talk about safe and unsafe places, and safe and unsafe people, including those they might encounter online. 

Other ways to empower and safeguard your kids

One of the best ways to protect our kids is by knowing how to recognise what disclosure might look like. Children and young people will most often share that they have been sexually abused indirectly, so it can be helpful to familiarise yourself with some common signs and indicators that a child or young person has experienced sexual abuse. 

We can also cultivate a judgement-free relationship with the kids and teens in our lives — making sure they know they have the right to feel safe and the right to speak up about anything that makes them feel otherwise — and ensure the environments we allow our kids to be in have a strong responsibility for, and awareness of child safety.

Know how to respond to disclosure

Experiencing sexual abuse often comes with feelings of shame and fear and as such, telling someone about it takes immeasurable courage.

It’s important to understand how to respond to a disclosure of child sexual abuse and ensure victims and survivors know they are believed and supported.

eSafeKids has helpful information for adults to consider if a child or young person discloses an experience of abuse to them. This includes a list of supportive phrases to say to the child or young person:

• Thank you for telling me.

• I’m sorry this happened to you.

• It’s not your fault.

• I believe you.

• I will help you.

If you suspect a child or young person has experienced sexual abuse, you can find out more about how to make a report on the National Office for Child Safety’s website. They also have information on reporting historical abuse. 

Child sexual abuse is something none of us wants to have to think about. It’s unthinkable. Unspeakable. And that’s exactly why we have to talk about it.

Let's end child sexual abuse one talk at a time. Find out how at ChildSafety.gov.au

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) or text 0458 737 732 – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

A list of support services can be found at ChildSafety.gov.au/Get-support.