Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette finale: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TEXT HER BACK, JOE?

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WE'VE MADE IT. 

After five long weeks of precisely nothing happening on this show, we're about to find out who the blonde women pick for their short-term boyfriends. 

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THE

STAKES 

ARE 

SO

HIGH. 

We open on... Osher. 

He's sorted out that pesky global pandemic and he's ready to get this season back on track and do some real good whisperin'. 

"DID A SNEAKY SNEAK."  

Elly picks Joe up in riverboat and they have a good giggle about how they're on a... boat on a... river.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

They go for a paddleboard because one form of water transportation isn't enough, apparently. 

Osher: "I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO BE BACK."  

Later they sit in the back of a ute (?)and Joe apologises again for that time he ghosted Elly. He's realised his mistake and he's ready to have her babies now.

Next, it's time for Becky's final date with Pete. 

They're going skydiving because Osher's realised they haven't met their designated skydiving quota for the season. 

AT LEAST TWO PEOPLE HAVE TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE EACH SEASON AND AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE HAVE TO SHIT THEMSELVES. IT'S THE RULES. 

"EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE."  

Later, they sit on a feelings couch and Becky asks Pete whether he actually likes her. 

He's like "yeah bud, but it's hard for me because of the divorce and also the cafes". 

And she's like "WTF, I sent Shannon home for this". 

It's time for Elly's final date with Frazer and his face. 

They go for a tractor ride, make out near a dam, and then have a romantic bath in the middle of a... paddock... so Osher can tick "bath in random location" off his list. 

The cows are... confused.

"I'M PRETTY SURE I DRINK OUT OF THAT."  

Frazer tells Elly he likes her, but he's not prepared to move from Brisbane. 

OH THANK GOD. 

It's the final... final date. 

Becky and Adrian strip off and rub mud over each other because Osher has just remembered that they haven't met their "rubbing brown substances over each other's body" quota either. 

I'VE SAID IT BEFORE AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN... NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH PEOPLE RUB BROWN SUBSTANCES ON EACH OTHER. 

IT MAKES US FEEL SAD IN OUR SPECIAL PLACES. 

YUCKS.  

They wash each other off and kiss under a waterfall and I guess this is romance or some sh*t.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Later, Adrian tells Becky that he likes it when she looks at him with her eyes and she says she likes it when he looks at her with his eyes too. 

IT'S DECISION TIME. 

Elly and Becky are discussing how they're going to choose between all these wonderful guys who would never consider moving states for them. 

Elly says she's found someone she's falling in love with and she has to do what's right. 

Pete and Adrian are heading towards the final decision... paddock. 

Adrian gets out of the car and walks towards Becky. 

She tells him he looks handsome and they have lots of chemistry. Then she tells him her gut is telling her to go with someone else. 

Adrian says he wasn't... expecting that, but she has to trust her gut instinct. 

Then he walks away and says it's... f*cken bullsh*t. 

"F*CKEN."  

Pete arrives and Becky tells him he's husband material and he does a giggle but still doesn't say he'll move for her. 

They kiss and Osher claps his hands and whispers sweet nothings from behind the floral arrangement. 

Back at the accommodation, Elly is wearing a white dress. She says she's set in her decision and she's struggling with the fact she has to hurt someone. 

She decides to go and tell the runner-up before the final rose ceremony. 

She walks into a room and... Joe is waiting there. 

She tells Joe her heart is elsewhere and he realises he made a terrible mistake when he ghosted her all those months ago. 

"GOT SOME REGRETS."  

Elly cries, Joe cries, and Osher gently whispers sweet nothings from the next room while ticking "surprise twist" off his list. 

Elly goes to the final decision paddock and Frazer walks towards her. 

She tells him there was something about him that stood out from the start (his face) and she's crazy about him. 

They kiss. 

Osher throws rose petals over their heads, giggles and ticks "happy ending for attractive white people off his list". 

Becky and Pete join them and they all toast to finding love on reality TV in the middle of a global pandemic. 

AND IT'S OVER. THIS GODDAMN SEASON IS OVER. 

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Catch up on our recaps here: 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 1: One man straight up refused to accept a rose. 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 2: That was so embarrassing for you, Harry. 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 3: The puppet is the most interesting contestant on this show.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 4: One man leaves the show after demanding "hotter chicks".

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 5: We finally know what happened between Elly and Joe. 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 6: NO ONE IS EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW ANYMORE.

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 7: JAMES JUST CHUCKED A MASSIVE TANTY. 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 8: If Shannon isn't the next Bachelor I'll burn the mansion down. 

Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette episode 9: PUT YA ROCKS OUT FOR ADAM.