Mamamia recaps The Bachelorette: NO ONE IS EVEN WATCHING THIS SHOW ANYMORE.

October 23, 2020

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We open with the dawning realisation that precisely none of us care about the outcome of this show.

It's been going for approximately 87 weeks now and there are too many white women and not enough Oshers doin' a giggle.

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But we shan't stop watching.

Two blonde women are walking along a pier talking about guys named.... Frazer and... Pete?

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The men allegedly named Pete and Frazer turn up and they all get in some small speedboats and zoom around the harbour.

No one dies and Jaws doesn't pop out of the water even once. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Then they get on a big boat. Pete talks about what he likes about Becky and Elly realises that Frazer never... says anything.

Later, Pete and Becky discuss how they could make things work with her in Newcastle and him in Adelaide, and then she gives him a rose and they kiss and it's all very wholesome etc, etc.

Elly and Frazer have some alone time and Frazer attempts to... talk. Elly decides her connection with Frazer is growing and they kiss and she says "put a ring on it" which is terrifying for Frazer who really just wants that sweet, sweet blue tick on Instagram.

Keryn Donnelly

October 23, 2020

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The Spill

It's group date time and the sisters have just made the fatal mistake of appearing a little bit... too keen.

LADIES PLS.

We've all been there.

The sisters explain their "teams" will compete in an obstacle course to see who makes it to the altar first.

Several of the guys try to run away but a fast thinking producer tasers them and reminds them their futures as teeth whitening brand ambassadors are on the line.

Adrian has been medically ruled out because of that time he wore a tan turtleneck.

FAIR ENOUGH.

The teams run through muddy water for approximately six hours, while Adrian acts as the referee and full on cheats so he gets the alone time with Becky.

"LOLS."

Becky and Adrian sit in a dirty barrel of water (?) and lol about his cheating ways.

Adrian decides it's time for him to convince Becky that he's not just a "young stud" who likes to party.

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IT'S COCKTAIL PARTY TIME.

James is wearing a crucifix earring, and he's angry pls. He's ready to throw his friends under the bus and also to wipe them in the dirt.

Joe immediately swoops in and takes Elly away. He's recreated the first date they had in Newcastle before he did a bit of a ghost and then had to come on a NATIONAL TV SHOW to try to win her back.

SIR.

WHY.

DIDN'T.

YOU.

JUST.

TEXT.

HER.

BACK.