When you see your child is afraid of you…
by JAMES WILKINSON
Do you yell at your kids?
Not just when they are in danger (I think that might be quite a normal reaction) but every time that they annoy you or disobey you? From what I can see a lot of people use verbal aggression as a parenting technique. I know that I have.
I caught myself raising my voice the other day and suddenly it struck me how aggressive it sounded. I tried to put myself in my daughter’s shoes.
Here is a grown man (incredibly well built and powerful I might add!) standing over a little girl and raising his voice and altering his tone to make it sound more threatening.
It started with a firm tone that gradually escalated into verbal aggression when the instructions were not followed. I then stopped myself, took a couple of deep breaths and did the only thing that I could possibly do in the circumstances. I apologised.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you honey. I didn’t mean to frighten you. It just makes me so very cranky when you won’t do what you are asked.”
And that is it isn’t it? We get angry and lose control of the situation when our kids will not do what they are told. We raise our voices and try to verbally force them to obey our instructions.
When our expectations are not met the instructions become firmer and more aggressive in line with our diminishing patience. Kids certainly need our direction and guidance although I’m not quite sure what screaming at them is trying to achieve?
Is raising one’s voice the only way we know how to demonstrate that we are serious?
Is verbal aggression (like physical violence) used to induce a fear response in order to gain compliance? Are we trying to scare our kids into doing what they are told? If we are, is that really much different to the threat of physical violence?
A firm and serious tone can quickly develop into aggressive yelling without realizing it and I felt horrified when I thought that I may have elicited a fear response in my daughter from raising my voice at her.
Do you yell at your kids?
From then on I tried to control my responses and not let her get the better of me in that way. Fancy a small child having psychological control over a grown up like that?
On many occasions I have found myself getting extremely frustrated by my daughter’s antics and the only way I know how to diffuse these situations is to totally change my response.
Maybe the problem is not in her understanding but in my teaching.
Instead of getting angry at her, I smile at her. I’ll tell her that she is very funny and that I like her jokes but now it is time to be serious for a minute otherwise she will be subjected to a thousand tickles from which she will never survive.
If that doesn’t work then I’ll try to change the subject completely and redirect, talking about the upcoming day or a recent event while we both perform the required task that was causing the trouble in the first place.
When all else fails we start to remove her privileges. The threat of losing a favourite toy or activity for a while is usually enough motivation to get her moving. I prefer to take away the small things first and save the big ticket items like TV shows for occasions that are not negotiable (like medicine administrations).
Stay-at-home dad James Wilkinson
We tell our child in a clear and normal voice what the consequences of her actions will be and if she does not comply then we always follow through. I say ‘always’ but we have only had to do it a couple of times and now she knows that we are serious.
We also try not to be too rigid with her as she is only three (almost) and prone to misjudgements.
She will always leave the compliance to the very last second and on those occasions she has missed the final countdown she will then panic at the thought of her incarcerated toy and desperately try to rectify things.
The most important thing to us is that she complies and while I don’t want to be seen as a pushover we don’t actually want to punish her so we cut her a little bit of slack. Better late than never.
The other interesting point to note is that kids become desensitized to verbal violence after a while and parents have to yell louder and with more ferocity in an attempt to get the message across (just like physical violence).
Personally I find that trying to force my child to do anything by shouting at her doesn’t ever work. I much prefer to not have the battle in the first place by using non-violent, creative techniques and by not letting my anger and frustration show in my voice or my actions.
Additionally, I am not comfortable with teaching my child right from wrong through fear of violence or pain and verbal aggression is just like physical violence in that it is designed to create fear.
I do not want my child to be afraid of me…
James Wilkinson is a stay home dad, the husband of a corporate wife, a writer and a musician.You can find his blog here.
Comments
32 Comments so far
Lets be honest, we don’t yell for a result, we yell cause we’ve lost it. Keeping hold of it is the aim – sounds like you’ve got it down pat. I guess it comes down to how important the thing is that might make you (me) lose it. Some things are easier to not get upset about than others. And then there is whatever else is going on in your life, sometimes your loved ones cop the fallout from that – then its easy to apologise, harder to stop them copping it.
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Thank you for this great and timely post. I have been discussing this with my husband recently as I don’t think the yelling helps at all. It is only done out of our frustration and really is not a discipline tool. I really don’t think it will teach our 4 year old anything other than to yell at people when they don’t do what you want. Our 4 year old is insanely strong willed (karma getting back at me I am sure!) and sometimes he just yells back. I do not like this at all and I do not want him growing up to yell at any kids he may have, or anyone else for that matter! However I find he does respond to a calm voice, a bit of compromise and understanding and even a hug as I say something like “I know you would like to watch the tv but right now we have to clear the table. If you help me then you can watch 15 minutes of tv before your bath.” Something like that usually works and it leaves everyone less frazzled. It is hard sometimes (like right now when he is meant to be asleep but is banging some unknown toy on his wall and singing Old McDonald Had A Farm!) but yelling is all about us and our frustration. It is not an effective discipline technique.
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So wise. You don’t have to yell. With a child this age, the best way is to keep completely calm and give them this choice: “Can you do it by yourself or do you want me to help you?” ONCE.
If they don’t do the task by themselves- you help them. Pick them up bodily if necessary and take them where they need to go- but calmly. Be the one in control.
They learn the good choices pretty quickly this way, and you haven’t lost your dignity or frightened them.
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Thank you for this post, it’s just the kick up the backside I need! I am finding myself more and more lately losing my temper and yelling at my 2 year old. Everytime I feel horrible after and smother her with kisses to ease my guilt. This is a wake up call which I will stick on my fridge, as I don’t ever want my children to be scared of their mother.
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My near 2 year old is a winger.
The discipline thing I can do, he’s a pretty good kid and more often than not, he’ll do what’s asked of him.
I lose the plot and start yelling at his constant winging! It’s like nails on a chalk board.
And unfortunately it works and shuts him up, which makes me do it.
Anyone got any tips?!
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Time?
All of my three can / could whinge for Australia. No tantrums here, but when the whingeing is at it’s peak, God help them. I mean God help me!
As I was preparing scrambled eggs for earlier, the younger two whinged quite the symphony for 20 mins straight. While the 5yo (ex- prize whinger) continued chatting over the top, asking all of life’s big questions.
What about ignoring? Active ignoring, when you can muster the energy is helpful.
One thing I’m managing to remember with my wee one is that they are sometimes battling pain or discomfort from teeth and growing etc. They could have a tummy ache or a head ache. They could be feeling emotional about separation or anything else. But they can’t express it! So I find accessing a bit of empathy, even if not blatantly demonstrated to the whinger, is useful in curbing a volcanic response
But yes, when my 3yo daughter was going through a particularly oppositional stage my yelling was at it’s peak. Because it was the only thing that worked!
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Great post!
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Thank you for sharing this very helpful post James. I have always known that raising my voice at my kids wouldn’t do them any good, but there are times that I just can’t help myself. But this year, I have made it a part of my resolution to find ways to develop more patience and self-control for my own and my children’s sake.
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I was just going through this the other day. My girl turned three in November and has in a month turned into a teenager. I much prefer disobedience when it doesn’t come with a serve of attitude.
The thing is, my girl thinks its funny when I raise my voice, which really doesn’t help the situation.
I was recently advised to watch out for the physical signs that I’m about to loose it with my girl (fists and jaw for me) and then step away from the situation, take a couple of deep breaths and then return again in a calmer state.
Calm clear direction as well as removing privileges is definitely the way to go here. Anger and temper gets me nowhere.
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Great topic! I really appreciate an article that highlights an issue and presents a ‘fix’ so you get so much information out of it.
I don’t have children but I still think you can adapt and use these techniques to lots of aspects of life/relationships.
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I yell. Don’t enjoy it, mainly because I’m generally furious to begin with when I’m doing it.
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Good article and timely too. With a 4 year old, a 2 year old and being 6 months pregnant I don’t have much patience at the moment and find myself yelling even though I hate it. This is a good wake up call.
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I like that saying. As a teacher I rarely yell but when I do the students know I’m serious.
But I might keep this is mind next time.
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Great piece James, I completely relate. It’s so hard not to yell sometimes (particularly, as you say, when your kids won’t do what you ask) but it never gets the desired result and always makes you feel terrible or doing it.
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I’ll never forget my then-5yr old daughter saying to me very quietly about 10 minutes after I had been extremely verbally aggressive: “Sometimes you scare me Mummy”. That is definitely one of my top 3 worst parenting moments and I haven’t done it since. I’m mortified just thinking about it again now…
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Yes yelling is pointless, I know with my teenage daughter I want to just scream at her but it will have no effect she won’t be scared just completly switch off and look at me as though I’m an alien, so I take a big deep breath and explain my position to her works everytime. I did’nt yell at her as a little one because I was yelled at by Mum and Dad and it took me some time to overcome anxitey issues.
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My father was a yeller, and a screamer of cruel insults. Difference is, he intended to intimidate and humiliate. It worked. My brother and I were terrified of him until we grew old enough to see him for who he is (My brother more so than I, I’m still a little bit scared. I’m also scared of alpha-male types, and older men, but that’s another post).
I wish he’s had half as much self awareness and self control as James obviously does. This story made me feel heartened and glad that there are some parents out there who really do put the effort in and try harder. I wish my dad had been one of them, but he isn’t.
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I thoroughly recommend “turning tears into laughter” by Lou Harvey. excellent techniques fire disciplining without yelling. Her methods are inspirational and very effective- you’ll find that you won’t have to yell at your kids at all!
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Yes, I yell, and I smack. But ONLY when it is a “danger” situation. If my son is being naughty, there will be various punishments (usually loss of privileges); but playing with the power point will earn a sharp whack on the wrist.
Then, when he’s calmed down (on his own), there will be the usual calm explanations about why it happened. Touch wood, there has never been a repeat occurrence of any behaviour that has earned a smack. The rarity and shock value seems to truly emphasise that this behaviour is not on.
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So if a policeman pulled you over and smacked you would that be ok? Position of authority, you were doing something wrong = smack
is that the logic? Just wondering how you think it plays out with adults when there’s a power embalance. I also have two young boys both interested in power points. Never smacked them. Both now understand the danger. Think the key in the post is how to avoid being aggressive towards your kids in any form.
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I really needed to read this today. Thanks for letting me know its ok to make mistakes, and for giving me some new – better – techniques to try.
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Great article. With a nearly 10 week old – first baby – we obviously aren’t at the disciplining stage yet! But we have already started to think about what kind of parents we want to be. I grew up with a tough dad, and there are things I will take and won’t take. Dad always apologised if he got too angry over nothing, which I think is a great thing. I do want to be a firm but reasonable parent, follow through on discipline and consequences. But we aren’t perfect and everyone loses their temper occasionally. Not to get religious but there is a scripture about walking at the pace of your children which I think is a great point. Helps to remind me that children aren’t mini adults and we have to slow down and let children be children, they shouldn’t be struggling to keep up with us, we should be going at their pace.
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I yell very rarely, and every time I do my kids cry. It makes me feel terrible!
Discipline is removal of privileges at our house. I try to link the privilege to the task as closely as possible – for example, we have to clean up the house before we can go swimming on the weekend (because if I spend time at the pool I have to have help with other stuff). So, if the cleaning up doesn’t happen quickly enough, we can’t go to the pool.
I usually warn them a couple of times of what they’ll lose if they don’t do this or that. Often I’ll help them in little ways to make sure that they don’t end up with a punishment when really I was trying to make them happy!
Hubby has an interesting view on discipline, and it’s a very minimalist one. He really dislikes the idea of taking privileges away, and would rather just work with them and stand over their shoulder until the task is done. He says that when his parents took away privileges, he only became resentful of them and didn’t actually learn any particular lesson from it. Unfortunately I can’t function with standing over their shoulder – too much crap to do – but I do try to be mindful of not making them resentful by trying to fit the consequences to the task as much as possible.
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well said James, this has certainly made me think and I will be more aware to moderate my ‘tone’ in future. You’re quite right, if the kid didn’t do what they were told the first 2 times, is shouting at them going to do the trick? I know it’s much easier to say while things are calm, and harder to be rational during the confrontation periods, but while i congratulate myself on not being a ‘smacker’, there are many times when I have been a ‘shouter’ and I really don’t want to be that parent. Thanks, good article.
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Sometimes when the kids are driving me absolutely batty and my patience and smiles and threats of ‘tickle monsters’ have long gone, I find myself shouting at the kids. The release of anger makes me feel better for about 1 second until I realise what has happened. It’s funny how quickly the situation can escalate into shouting. It was when I realised my daughter was shouting at her friends to get her way that I decided I needed to handle frustrating situations more calmly. And I am doing pretty well. Taking away ipad time, sticker charts etc etc. Sometimes I wish I could expend all my anger and stress in one almighty tantrum like my daughter does! How good would that feel to scream AAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
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I once read a parenting book that explained the purpose and effectiveness of consequences vrs yelling. The author explained- “if a policeman stood on the side of the road and yelled and screamed at you to slow down- would you do it? Or (knowing that there are no consequences besides the yelling) would you learn to simply ignore it and continue speeding? As it is, does the policeman yell at you when you are pulled over for wrongdoing? Nope. He simply explains the consequences in a calm voice and follows through. Which is more effective in deterring speeding (or undesired behaviour)? Made sense to me! Doesn’t stop me from raising my voice in frustration on occasion (especially in regards to sibling bickering) but it’s how I TRY to parent- consequences!
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Growing up my mother used to scream (high pitched) at us when we got her mad, I said I would never do this. I have found the rarely used voice that gets my kids moving is a low/deep growl. I don’t think it is frightening or threatening, but they know I mean now.
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Excellent article James, and it’s so great you are conscious about how your behaviour impacts your child.
My father is an incredibly angry man and he has never learned to control his rage. We were very scared of him, and this prevented us from having a close relationship with him. We would spend most of our time in our bedrooms or not talking with him, lest we said something that triggered his rage. It is only now that I have recently moved out of home that things have improved, but I am still scared of him.
He would yell aggressively at us, threaten physical violence and occasionally actually become physically violent at us. He would then apologise and tell us he loved us but explain that what happened was our fault, and our Mum would back him up. It wasn’t until I started seeing a psychologist and then met my ex and my current boyfriend and learned of their upbringings that I realised that this is not normal or acceptable behaviour by parents.
I look forward to being a parent one day, and hope not to repeat my father’s mistakes.
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My husband is a teacher (and a father). His mantra for parenting and the classroom is “If you have to yell, you’ve lost”.
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My friend is a teacher too (high school, inner city London schools) and says it’s crowd control with the boys, who respond to orders, and manipulation with the girls. You can’t yell at the girls because they will hold it against you for the rest of the year, and the boys won’t listen if you don’t. Some of the schools she works at are very rough with discipline problems so calm explanations do not cut it there.
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A no nonsense voice to start with gets good results. No yelling required. Just Chanel the Super Nanny.
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Great article, James. Last year around the time Mia’s ‘The wheels fell off’ piece ran I found myself getting frustrated more quickly with our almost four year old daughter more often. It got to the point one day when my usual firm tone became a yell accompanied with slamming my hand on the bench next to her to emphasise each word. She promptly burst in to tears & rightly so. I apologised & comforted her. We don’t usually yell in our house & we don’t hit & we certainly don’t scare the bejesus out of our daughter. But I had & it scared me too.
Mostly because I knew how it felt. I grew up in a house with a father who self-medicated his depression with alcohol. So we had an angry man who threatened physical violence which rarely came but was so much scarier in his mood changes, his harsh words & his controlling behaviours. I felt scared a lot as a child. And I don’t want to go down the same path with our daughter.
Having also had had PND & gotten psychological help for that previously, I went along to the GP for a mental health plan & took myself off to a psychologist who was recommended for parenting stuff too. There were other factors involved than just my outburst – things had come to a head with that. One of the things she recommended was mindfulness meditation as a way of becoming more practiced with being patient & not reacting to every emotion. She also showed me some interesting stuff about attachment theory & how we were attached to our parents as children then affects how we attach/parent our own kids.
We’re at a much better stage now. We use counting in our house when our daughter refuses to comply with something that really is necessary. If we get to five then she loses a gold star in her Good Behaviour Book. Ten gold stars means she has earn herself an adventure or reward & we mix those up so sometimes it’s a toy, sometimes a trip somewhere exciting. As you say James, it only has to happen once or twice before kids realise that you are serious & they’ll comply rather than let you get to five. We use gold stars for new good behaviours that we’d like to continue, she’s mostly a well-behaved kid anyway. It can take her anywhere from a month to three months to earn them.
I’ll also defuse things with her by tickling her to change her mood. She loves to be tickled & if I get her to laugh, she’ll often lighten up & so will I. I also stop & think ‘do we really have to this right now?’ about whatever it is that she doesn’t want to do. In a lot of instances allowing her some input in things can also smooth things along. She starts kindy in a few weeks so we’ll see how all the usual strategies work as we’ll need to get somewhere on time & earlier than normal for us.
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