Shankari
by SHANKARI CHANDRAN
“Snatch it Sophie, snatch it!”
Sorry, did that parent just say “Snatch it?”
Surely she meant “Catch it Sophie, catch it!”?
It was a chilly Saturday morning at the netball courts of north Sydney and it was possible that my inner ear had frozen into stasis. Or perhaps it was premature rigor mortis setting in, it really was damn cold. I thought I must have heard wrong.
But there it was again, “Snatch it Sophie, pull it, PULL IT!” shouted the mummy as her daughter and a girl from the opposing team each held onto the ball tightly, both eyeing the under-aged umpire nervously. Or were they eyeing Scary Netball Mummy fearfully? I was certainly afraid. I wanted to snatch my child (and hide in a warm bed); it was all a little too early in the morning for such hardcore parental “guidance”.
Scary Netball Mummy is not alone at our local netball association. There is also Scary Netball Daddy. I know it’s not politically correct to say this but my heart sinks when I realise we’re playing his daughter’s team. I just haven’t had enough coffee by 8am to get through his impersonation of Al Pacino in an NFL block buster.
There’s the excoriating tone, the bullish pacing and the heated huffing as he shouts at Heidi “Focus Heidi, focus! Eyes on the ball! Get in there. GET IN THERE!”
Heidi’s coach recently saw my concerned expression during a game and tried to reassure me, saying that Heidi’s father just wanted her to try her best. I want Heidi to try her best too; I just don’t want her to have daddy issues and a steroid addiction by the time she reaches the U13s.
I’m also not convinced that shouting certain things in certain ways is actually helpful to our children.
I’m also not convinced that shouting certain things in certain ways is actually helpful to our children. I think there’s a difference between constructive guidance and “Use your elbows!”
I should have known this was coming. At the start of the season, our pint-sized professional ball droppers graduated from the sheltered world of Netta (a relaxed game for the littlies) to the harsher world of netball (a proper game, real rules). I remember hearing a coach/mother say to her team of fresh-faced 8 year olds “This is netball now girls, we’re not in Netta anymore. Remember that.”
I do remember that, and the netball association’s rule that prohibits parents from yelling at their children from the sidelines. I have been known to break this rule, shouting (sweetly, honestly) at my daughter “No darling, no, run the other way. The other way!” I’m yet to yell “Snatch it, pull it!” but my time may come.
I know I’ve thought it, just quietly. There’s a difference between thinking it and saying it, but maybe I too am on a slippery slope and I’m not that far away from accessing (or unleashing) my inner-Al Pacino. For my daughter’s sake, I certainly hope not!
Shankari Chandran is a recent returner after ten years in London. Formerly a social justice lawyer, Shankari chronicles the day-to-day of her family’s return on her blog.
Have you ever encountered parents who take their kids’ sporting activities a little too seriously?
What is the worst thing you’ve heard parents yell at their kids from the sporting sidelines? Is it helpful or harmful?
Comments
103 Comments so far
I have two daughters 12 and 14 that both play basketball and netball. My eldest daughter played squad netball earlier this year and has just been asked to join the squad basketball team during training.
I have to say with out those wonderful coaches that at times do have to yell from the side lines certain things to help them be more aggressive for the game. Standing back and letting your oponent get it, is “not” netball nor basketball. The kids that learn to attach and defend and aren’t scared to have a go, which often will only come with practise and confidence are the ones that become the kid that is handy at helping the team “not” get flogged each week.
Call it hard, I have watched my children be in teams that have bean beaten week after week and you can see them slump and not enjoy it as much. When they win occasionaly they do actually get a bit of a kick out of it. Unfortunately sports are ment to be fun, but they are also ment to be competative. My youngest, a few weeks ago was given a job to do for the game in basketball by her coach, she was asked this game I want you to have a go at snatching a ball. She did (three years of basketball, first snatch) she come home most excited because for once she had managed a snatch instead of it always being snatched from her, now it is a regular part of her game.
My eldest daughter has just said No to playing squad basketball because it wont be fun. I cannot change her mind and it is a shame that she is giving up a once in a life time opportunity of expereince and bettering herself because it “wont be fun”. How do you explain to your children that sports isn’t always about fun, it’s that satisfaction of getting better at something you love playing!
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I remember my mother used to yell ‘Break her back!” during my tennis games.
I also remember coming home with a fourth place ribbon from a running carnival and proudly showing my dad, only to have him yell at me for not coming first!
I can’t wait to have kids so I can raise them in a positive way and empower them by setting good examples. I’m lucky my partner is the most diplomatic, rational and caring man ever, he will make a great dad
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Thx Shankari for another entertaining post. The other day, at another child’s 8 th birthday I saw my 5 yr old son join in a game of muck-around soccer for the first time. I’m pretty sure his foot didn’t touch the ball, and i lost count of the number of times he unwittingly changed teams. He clearly had no idea what he was doing, however I inwardly, secretly rejoiced to see him running confusedly with the pack. He rarely joins such activities despite my urging him to do so. At times I wonder if being like netball nazi daddy might result in my son engaging more with team sports, however I feel the price to pay would be the loss of my soul as well as my son’s elusive self confidence. So for now, if he wants to be the team water boy, I’ll back him 150 percent.
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It does seem to get ugly out there. Thankfully my kids are still in that very junior league when it’s all still ‘fun’, but our time will come… I remember one of those comedy sketch shows used to do a spoof thing called The Netty Show with hardcore netball showdowns and obnoxious commentators. Sounds like it might just work! Great post as always.
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The absolute worst thing about kids sport are the parents who wont volunteer to coach, manage or help out. But without fail these are the people who are the first to ‘suggest’ their ideas be implemented and complain when things aren’t done to their liking or their little darlings wishes.
If your kids team is lucky enough to have parents who happily give up their time and commit to go to training and the game each week, when they really do have other things they would rather be doing, all they ask in return is for the other parents to keep an eye on their own childs behaviour (its not a babysitting service and the coach and manager are not Super Nanny) and otherwise just support their decisions . If you dont like their decisions, you either need to have a look at yourself, perhaps you have issues with control or volunteer yourself next time and then it can be done exactly how you like it.
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Could not have said it better myself! I am a under 9 netball coach and I get jack of the ‘helpful suggestions’ from non contributing parents!
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My husband and I as shift workers occasionally couldn’t even take our kids to sports on the weekend, but sometimes had to take them after a night shift. There was not yelling then I assure you. In fact, one time after a night shift (I was at work) my hubby took my son to football and then wrapped himself up in a ducky blanket under the stands and went to sleep for the duration. I believe it was the light entertainment for the day.
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Under 7′s rugby league in Wollongong (a few years ago), 8am, Dandaloo Pub field, schooners at the sideline and dads from the opposing team yelling as my son had the ball “Smash him for f%^k’s sake”……..my son’s reaction – he threw the ball at them and ran behind the ref. Needless to say that was his last game of footy, he told me he didn’t want his face ruined.
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My 9 year old nephew was playing soccer one beautiful Saturday morning in Dallas Texas. It was one of the 1st games I attended. The parents for my nephews team were yelling stuff at their kids, the ref marched over to our side and yelled at the parents ” If I hear another word from this side of the field I am kicking every one of you off and you can pick up your children when the game is over” he turned around and walked back to the kids and continued the game, there was not another word from the parents after that. The kids got to play, the parents got to watch.
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Unfortunately, I’ve seen some pretty nasty things happen from parents over the years. My youngest son was playing soccer in the U9s. The other team were renowned for being dirty players. One of the opposition tackled one of our guys who had the ball. Our player went down with the ball. The opposition player tried to kick the ball out of our player’s legs. The opposition father yelled “you kicked the wrong thing”. Yes, they had to hold me back, and it wasn’t even my son on the ground.
Another with oldest son. He was 15 at the time, and played club, school, rep and state cricket. At a weekend club game, there were no official umpires, so parents from each team took an innings each. One of the opposition parents, who was umpiring at the time, kept having a go at my son, who was captain of his team. Now, my son has the sarcasm gene, and I’m sure he made some smart remarks back, however, what happened next was appalling. The opposition parent threatened to beat up my then-15-yr old in the carpark. More than once. It went to the tribunal and the parent got banned for a while.
Again, a soccer game, eldest son. The abuse from the opposition players and spectators (which included a lot of parents) was so bad that my son’s coach pulled the team off the pitch. He refused to continue the game under those circumstances.
We need to stand up against parents behaving badly at games. I think sometimes pulling a team off gets people’s attention quicker than asking them politely to behave themselves.
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My son plays club soccer and when he was six we had to get a group of parents removed. At half time we realised our goalie was terrified because a group of parents were abusing him behind the goal posts.
AND same child (fast forward 10 years) was playing soccer in a country town when our goalie got kicked off the field and given a warning because he’d yelled abuse at a spectator. Turned out the spectator had been hurling racial abuse at the teenager (Sudanese) for most of the game.
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I’ve posted this here before, but as an umpire “overenthusiastic” netball mums are THE worst!
As the kids get older, you can tell the kids that had the crazily intense parents, because they start to mimic the behaviour – over aggressiveness, yelling at me or yelling condescending comments (“don’t worry, Lisa, that wasn’t contact” or “excellent distance, Sara” after I’ve called them for contact or obstruction)
Then you get the parents that never lose their over the top contributions – I was umpiring an open (18+) division game where a mother of two of the girls was there yelling at the players and abusing me – fun times!
Why do I still do this job?? Ack!
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My husband’s mother has some of the worst ugly parent syndrome I have ever seen. He’s an adult and she still screams abuse at umpires and opposition when ever possible.
When my MIL and I are at the same game you can find me quietly at the furthest possible geographic position I can manage and still be at the same ground. I really don’t want anyone to know we are connected.
What’s worse?
She started behaving the same way at her grand-children’s games and they have all now quit playing sport as a result
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That’s really sad. I have to wonder why she was able to influence her grandkids like that though? The grandkids have their own parents who have every right to ‘uninvite’ her to any sporting events, or out-and-out tell her that she is not welcome. She doesn’t need to know when any games are on. How did it all happen? As a grandparent she has no ‘right’ to be there, and should be told as much. It would clearly show the grandkids that this kind of behaviour won’t be tolerated too.
I just think its sad that these kids are missing out when it would seem like there is a pretty simple solution. If she doesn’t like it – well she can learn other behaviour or miss out. Her problem. It shouldn’t be the grandkids problem. The parents should be standing up to her.
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The worst are the teams who dont pull their weight and then complain when its not done to their liking.
I just had to manage/coach and score at a basketball gala day. As its voluntary most teams had one parent doing all 3 jobs too. Except one team we came up against, their coach was very competitive and serious and when I asked him to score with me (as you’re supposed to so there is no dispute) he said no he was busy coaching. Yes so was I! So I had to score for his team and mine alone, plus manage subs and my injured child.
Anyway, at the end he complained to the officials that I didnt include one of his teams baskets and had the result changed to reflect that meaning they won rather than it being a draw. Now this really pisses me off because I’m not going to cheat at a kids game. And if he was doing his fair share there would have been no dispute anyway. He’s just a sneak who has to win by cheating and that is really not on.
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I’ve just had my first season as a soccer mum. Best fun ever. Our kids (Under 8s) have been smashed every week. They’ve continued to play with a smile on their faces and every parent on the sideline has called out encouragement to all the kids on our team, not just their own (‘Go Jake. Well done, Charlie!’).
The only poor sportsmanship we saw for the season was an abusive coach who was furious when a goal was disallowed. He went off at the ref and we just looked on in disbelief – his poor team only won by 7 goals, rather than 8…
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You dont live in newcastle do you?
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For gods sake, these parents need to learn that it is JUST A GAME! When i played sport at school I found it distracting when parents shouted from the sidelines. I much preferred what my parents did: drop me off, go and do shopping/have a coffee and pick me up after! Or if they didn’t do that they would just sit on the sideline and read the paper.
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I wonder if part of it is the sheer size of the crowds at junior sport these days. My parents came to netball and footy matches when they could, which wasn’t often as there were 4 kids and Dad was travelling much of the time. We were dropped off and picked up (or took public transport when we were in high school) but Mum and Dad always asked ‘So, how’d you go?’ and it was fun filling them in. Also, kids seem to be starting to play organised sport younger and younger – parents have to stay with a 5 year old. If we’re honest, much junior sport is deathly dull to watch and maybe the over-zealousness is a result of parental boredom?
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Kate I agree. However I think pushy parents at sport is another version of the Tiger Mother. I know parents who tell people that their child has to be at ‘rep’ level by 12 or they have no future in the sport. So their poor kids have been made to do ridiculous hours of coaching and clinics each week and school holidays so they can achieve ‘rep’ selection. And I know parents who have worked their way into rep selector roles at various sporting clubs. And have even changed clubs when an opportunity has arisen for them to have team selection and grading responsibility at the new club. And coincidentally their average child always gets a spot in the A team and the rep team. These poor kids dont play because they love it or they have natural ability. Its all about achieving that status for their parents.
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My brother-in-law was umpiring his young son’s soccer game, he stepped in at the last minute to help out. He ended up being PUNCHED by a father from the other team. PUNCHED, people. This man was so fired up by his 6 year old son’s game and what he perceived as an unfair call that he stormed up and punched the umpire. This was years ago and to this day I can barely believe it. (And my BIL is such a lovely man too!!!! )
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22 years ago my son played A graded soccer. The other mothers of our team would meet to watch the game and would bring nibbles, which we would share with the other team’s parents. I think the offer of food made the other parents realise that this was a social occasion and not war. We still shouted encouragement but made a point of saying good comments about the other sides players.
Our Coach would insist that the refs enforced the rule that violent (shouting as well) parent were asked to leave.
This went on for years , we only came across one area in which the parents were so violent the scared us.
My son ended up playing for state as well, and I think it is the parents that set the scene.
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The first time that I encountered such intense parental interest was when I was in my late teens and a girlfriend was umpiring. Last time I’d played netball at school I don’t think parents even came along, other than the ones who were coaching the team. My children have played different sports but it seems to be the netball that brings out the worst in parents – even booing when the opposing team scored a goal. To me, it didn’t matter what side they were playing for – if they got that cold wet ball (it’s those early winter mornings) through that hoop they deserved applause not put downs. It is almost as though they see themselves out there. I always thought it was hilarious to see little kids out there who are more interested in watching how their netball skirts twirl or picking clover flowers as the ball whizzes past. When I’d ask my son how he enjoyed the t-ball final that his team had just won – he launched into a long list of the planes he’d watched fly overhead.
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One of my best friends in high school played hockey with me. Her dad would be at every game that we played, yelling ‘advice’ from the sidelines in his booming voice. Now, this advice often went against the coach’s instructions and when she failed to do as her dad wished, he would yell abuse at her and put her down from the side of the field. It was embarrassing to be playing on the same team as her, let alone be her! It got to the stage that she would be physically sick before a game as she knew her dad would be there on the sidelines. Eventually, she decided to give up hockey as it all became too much. Parents shouldn’t ruin their children’s experience of sport!
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As a private school teacher, part of my load is Saturday sport – netball – I’m the teamanager which means I do the bench duty among other things. We just had our semi final (which we lost) and I had to do the bench with a mother from the other team. She was so rude about my girls – called them cheats, told them they were whingers, yelled out insults, told them they didn’t deserve to win anyway because they were playing dirty. This was backed up by a father who came over to the bench during the game to accuse me of cheating because I hadn’t put up a point – he hadn’t noticed that the previous point had been put on the wrong side so it was fixing a mistake, came over at half time yelling “what a pack of whingers those girls are, rude b#%$hes”. He was talking about 15 year old school students! By the end, I had to complain to the ref, but I also (calmly, even though my mother lioness instincts were kicking in – don’t you hassle my girls!!) said to them after the game “A piece of advice for next week and next year – a bit of decorum when you are around the bench and please don’t insult the girls who are opposition – by all means support your girls but the comments you’ve made about my girls were highly inappropriate and most people I know would be less tolerant than me about it”. At least I have a break for it for 8 months before I have to deal with that nightmare again!!!
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My brother used to play state basketball and at one of his matches the opposing team’s coach was going ballistic! Yelling, swearing and shouting abuse at everyone – our team, his own team, the refs and parents. Finally he was made to leave by the refs and stormed out of the building.
The really sad thing though was his own son was one of the young boys he had been coaching and I still remember the look on his face more than 10 years later of having to watch his father be sent off for his behavior!
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I guess parents can get over-excited.
That said, I suspect, very few competitors at the recent London Olympics had parents who were ambivalent or negative about sport. Having a parent who cares must help and caring more probably helps more.
As sporting success is highly prized here in Australia, having parents vociferously encouraging their kids from a very early age probably contributes to ultimate Aussie sporting success.
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Oh dear. You’re “that” parent. There is a vast difference between support/encouragement and pressure. I would say the parents who angrily yell directions while their kids are playing fail to make the distinction.
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How on earth do you get from 30′s comment that they’re “that parent”? Pretty big leap.
Everyone’s competitive, whether about sport or who’s the most pious with their eating habits.
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Why on earth do you assume to know what she meant by “that parent” Your competitiveness certainly shines through.
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I know that. I don’t try to hide it!
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Oh, I see what you did there with the zinger about eating habits. Consider me owned. *snort*
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I don’t consider you owned. I just thought it was a good comparison to make because you get pretty strident about being a vegan and animal rights.
And you haven’t explained your “that parent” remark. I think it read it as it was intended.
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Well, all right, if you want to go there. My talking about animal rights is not self-motivated. It has absolutely nothing to do with competition. I fail to see any common thread between speaking up for those who can’t speak for themselves (however uncomfortable it might make people or however “strident” or “preachy” they may find me) and yelling at a kid so they can achieve sporting glory.
And I generally only discuss my veganism when a) someone else brings it up (you did) or b) it’s relevant to the topic at hand (it isn’t). As far as I can tell it really had nothing to do with what is being discussed and was just a cheap shot at my expense because you have a personal problem with me due to my “self-righteous” politics. Which is fine, that’s your prerogative. But let’s call it what it is.
And by “that parent” I guess I pretty much mean what you think I do. The parent who thinks there’s nothing wrong with a bit of “encouragement” and “healthy competition”. Trouble is, the ones who normally say that and who cite Olympic champions and so on are the ones discussed in the OP. They just lack self-awareness about it.
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Thanks for proving my point with your self-righteous positing about people’s lack of self awareness because they don’t agree with you. You do it when talking about veganism, and you’ve done it here. I think plenty of people are happy to admit they get vocal at kids’ sport and frustrated watching.
Just because people own what they do and don’t have a problem with it doesn’t mean that they’re not self aware.
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One of my friends told me that one of the 8 y/o kids in her son’s rugby team gets paid $5 by his mum and dad for every try he scores. One game he “made” $50! Needless to say, that kid is aggressive and unsportsmanlike, totally encouraged by his parents!
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Oh no, I’m so sad to read that!!!
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Thats really common, especially with families where the parents are pushy and the kids are sore losers.
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An amusing post, and quite an eye opener. As a confirmed, ‘lazy’ parent, I have yet to sign my 2 up to any kind of team sport, so I have been missing out on a whole new world of parent watching! I am not sure it will tempt me to leave my coffee and newspaper in bed on Sat am for a cold and wet football pitch though!
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Whilst 2 is still a bit young, I think having your kids involved in sport is a good habit for the future.
There was no hanging around with nothing to do when our kids were teenagers, they were always down at the cricket nets or footy oval with their mates or having a round of golf or a few sets of tennis. They never sat still on weekends or after school.
Sorry a bit off topic..maybe MM could do a post about the benefits of having your kids play sport.
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She is talking about her two children…not her 2 year old child
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Aha! Indeed she is!
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I agree, this is really quite common. I used to coach a very low grade basketball team when I was 15 when one of the (under 13s) girls told me that she was being paid by her parents for every goal she scored. I had to tell them politely that this was not okay in a team sport and if they absolutely felt that they had to reward her- then goal assists should also be counted. We’ve all played sports with a ‘ball hog’ and it’s the last thing parents should be encouraging their children to do!
Edited to add: sorry this was meant to be a reply to an earlier comment.
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I played club netball when I was 11,12 and 13 (I’m now 18). A girl in my team for the first two years had a mum who just yelled out to us like she was the coach. Completely disrespectful to our actual coach who was incredibly lovely and knew the game far better!
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I am very thankful that the association that my daughter plays for and I coach U13′s for has a genuine zero tolerance for spectator abuse. I have been really heartened this season to see officials from clubs go up to their own parents to remind them about what is acceptable. The games are really competitive and there is lots of spectator noise but no abuse or over the top stuff. Any isolated incidents have been swiftly dealt with and as far as I am aware not repeated.
As for the snatching comments – I agree with some of the other posters that this is often a term that is used for “pulling the ball in” so it wouldn’t worry me to hear it. It is often all about the tone that something is said in rather than the words themselves
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One of the saddest examples of sports parent syndrome I’ve seen so far was when my daughter was nine and swimming in a state qualifying meet. She had just raced another little girl who was sitting next to us, and as they came back to their seats I held out a bag of lollies and offered them to both. My daughter took a few, then the other girl reached for the bag- and before I could react her mother had jumped out of her seat and grabbed her wrist, hissing “NO SWEETS WHEN YOU”RE COMPETING”. She handed her a drink of protein shake or something instead, and later I overheard her telling her daughter “Let the other girls eat lollies and they’ll all get fat and then you can beat them.” Nine years old. So sad
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Bad sportsmanship from spectators makes me mental.
I went to the men’s final of the Australian Open this year (Rafael Nadal vs Novak Djokovic) and sat outside to watch it on the big screen. It was insanity. So many people there were absolutely out of control. Whenever Djokovic won a point, supporters for both he and Nadal would clap. When Nadal won a point his supporters would clap and Djokovic’s supporters would boo. When calls went against Djokovic, his supporters set up a chant of ‘I’m blind, I’m deaf, I wanna be a ref.’ When Nadal won the fourth set, Djokovic’s supporters started chanting (and clapping in time) ‘Rafa’s a faggot.’ Little kids were encouraged to take up the singing. I ended up protecting about four kids on the blanket I was sitting on because when Djokovic won his supporters went bananas and knocked lots of people over (myself included, and I’m a grown woman). It really tarnished the whole evening for me.
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When I was playing netball in the 10yrs division nearly 25 years ago, the dad of the girl I was playing against pushed me as I was leaving the court for quarter time. My mum saw red! She went over and had a real go at him. I don’t know what she said but he came over and apologised to me. To be honest I didn’t really enjoy netball after that.
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My husband is an AFL umpire (for men, not kids) and often they’re no better. We had the police at one game because the week before he had to be escorted back to his car by security because some people from the losing team were threatening to bash him.
I used to take the kids every weekend but now I make sure I know which team is playing – some are worse than others.
And not to mention the language the crowd use. I spend lots of time covering up what people are saying (“No, he said truck! Truck!”).
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CLASSIC!
I had to ban my mother from coming to my netball games.
Not because she was a vicious supporter but because she was a fanatical crazed lunatic.
“GOOOOO BELLA!!!!” FANTASTIC SHOT GIRL!”
In hindsight she was super lovely and supportive.
It was just too much. I was a shy kid!
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Same story, different sport, izzybuda!
My parents used to come to my high school volleyball games until I asked them to stop shouting encouragement, which is super embarrassing for a 14 year old. Every time I got a hit in or was serving, they’d go nuts “Goooooo Gem! Great work! Yayyyy, great spike!”
It wasn’t until later that I realised that the parents who weren’t shouting for their kids were either on their mobiles or talking quietly, viciously, to their kids about what they’d done wrong after the game.
After that, my parents innocent (often unwarranted – I wasn’t very good) shouts of encouragement were music to my ears.
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There used to be a saying that kids should be seen and not heard. That saying should be brought back for parents at kids sporting events.
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i coached an 8 year old netta team when i was 16. the parents were CRAZY. never again!
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Afraid of Scary Netball Mummy?
Meet all the Stage Mums… they’re another breed altogther!! Agh!!!!!!!
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I heartily concur. The stage mothers (mostly) are a whole other, scary breed. Sometimes I feel for the dance teachers because they get harassed so much by the stage mothers and dance teachers are generally not shy, wallflower types.
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I’ve been a soccer (football) referee since I was 14, and even when I was only 14, I had random parents with no idea yell death threats at me and my colleagues. I was mobbed by a group of parents from one u/12s team, because they didn’t think my decision was right, even though independent spectators agreed with me. I had to be pulled out of danger. Not to mention the times my colleagues and friends have been chased by parents wanting to bash them. It’s not fun to have to be locked in a change room.
Sporting parents yell all kinds of crap out at the kids and the referees. Recently I drove home in tears after receiving so much abuse from parents/adults. I haven’t gone back.
I have heard my fair share of people yell out funny things in terms of encouragement. I’ve also had to step in and have parents removed for yelling abuse at their own kids and other teammates because they are underperforming.
Parents that are encouraging and pleasant to their kids and others on the team create a really wonderful atmosphere. The parents who come up to the referee after the game, regardless of win or loss and just say ‘thank you’ are wonderful and a rarity. To the parents who yell abuse, you’re ruining the game and we lose so many players and referees per year because of you.
Kids also copy what parents say and how they behave. Keep this in mind parents…
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Go Mimim.
Such a shame you gave it up, It’s refs like you that we need out there to be great role models (to both parents and kids).
Thanks
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Thank you Alex for a such a lovely comment! I really appreciate it.
I’m sad to have given it up when I’ve made some achievements that I’m really proud of. I’ve promised my family & friends that I’ll only go back next season if the penalties for abuse are increased dramatically (not very likely).
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Come to the country minim! We have just finished my first season of footy and have loved it. No crazy parents, we have a great time and everyone claps for both the teams and the refs after. We would love a soccer ref out here too!
That being said, I am also a school teacher, and have had the misfortune to see parents verbally abuse their children when they dont win a race/event at a sports carnival. Heartbreaking….
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That sounds great!! That’s how sport should be.
Awful. I’m very thankful my parents were never like that and I really feel sorry for the kids who have to go through it.
Thanks for your reply
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At a recent rugby game in our area, a parent went onto the field, grabbed an 8 YEAR OLD BOY from the opposing team, dragged him off and shook him, the whole time verbally abusing him.
There are criminal charges.
Just cannot believe this would happen.
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Dear God/Allah/Buddha/whomever, PLEASE tell me that someone filed charges against that person? That is so completely and utterly unacceptable. Even if it had been adults playing, let alone children.
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Charges were laid.
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That is terrible!
On a rational level I know that I shouldn’t answer violence with more violence. However, if that happened to my hypothetical child, or my brother or any kid really… I’d do more than shake the culprit that assaulted the kid. I don’t think I could hold back. It would just be rage inducing. Like when you see a lioness fight of a large male lion to protect her cubs. That is how I would feel. Instinct would kick in and it would be on.
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If that had happened to my child, I am afraid I would have been up on an assault charge as well. Parents like that should be banned from ALL sporting events for life.
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Last weekend I was walking past the local oval when I heard a man (I assume a father) call out to a child playing soccer (presumably his son): “Man up! Man up Joel!”. The kids couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6. I was disgusted.
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To be fair, that could also mean stick with your ‘man’ from the opposing team which is what you’re supposed to do. In that context, not offensive at all, but in any other context at children’s sport not a great attitude.
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agree, this is a common soccer term for defending your player tightly, as in, when the other team is on the attack, the team is to ‘man up’ as in find your opposing player and cover them. Have used it in girls/womens soccer, its probably more gently referred to as ‘pick up your player!’ or ‘mark up!’.
I sincerely hope that this is the frame of reference this was heard in, although, in this world of kids sports, sadly anything is possible!
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The coach of my son’s footy team calls out “man up” to the boys all the time- it simply alerts them not to let the opposition player they are on get away from them… which my son is prone to do when he is thinking about lunch or looking at the clouds. It’s very common and no reflection on their masculinity!
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There you go – I’ve learned something new today!
I must say though that the tone of his voice was pretty aggressive and exasperated.
I guess I also don’t see the need for such full-on coaching of children at that very young age.
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I think “snatch the ball” is pretty widely used in netball – you really do have to grab the ball and pull it in to your chest to retain it, i.e. snatching it. I don’t think it’s a negative to say that really, as it really does describe what you’re supposed to do. You learn pretty quickly in netball that you really do have to snatch the ball in to play the game.
Of course, when the umpires aren’t great and the other team is really rough I may bend the rules a little…
I do agree though that shouting negative comments aren’t useful. I play in a mixed team now and the games can get pretty rough, but I was always told to play by the rules and play respectfully so I try and do that as much as possible
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I agree with the snatching, it’s simply part of the game. We were laughing the other day because as parents we have always taught our kids “not to snatch”, now they are 8 years old playing netball we are encouraing them to snatch! It must be a bit confusing for them!
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I don’t agree – especially if, as I read it, there was a tussle between two girls both currently holding the ball.
They should hold on tight and wait for the umpire to call a toss-up.
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No, they should be trying to get possession, by snatching the ball to themselves if someone else is within a cooee of the ball and maybe contesting it (including hands on the ball at the same time).
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I think there is a difference between scary and super encouraging! At my kids soccer, we regularly shout out things like “Tackle!” and “Get in there!”, because otherwise they all hang back and say things like “After you.” “No, really, after you” and the other team scores approximately 169 goals, and our kids come off totally demoralised and upset.
That said, this year we played a team (side note: this is in Under 8′s soccer!), who regularly said things like “we are going to smash you” “you guys are crap” booing when our team got the ball and who were so horrifically mean to a girl on the team that she came off in tears and wouldn’t go back on. If that had been kids on our team, the parents would have had absolutely no hesitation in pulling them off and saying “If you can’t play nicely, you can’t play”.
Needless to say, the parents of that time regularly shouted things significantly more aggressive than “Tackle!”
I think there’s a difference between encouraging some competitive play, and supporting downright nastiness. As well, I think that the young kids (some as young as 11-12) who are refereeing the games to learn, shouldn’t have to be responsible for enforcing good behaviour in rude and disgraceful adults. Maybe the clubs should have some officials also on hand to help them enforce some manners on the parents as well.
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Ally
I agree, I’ve seen some young refs take more than they should have to handle – from parents
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I have to yell out to my son as he seems to lose concentration half way through the first half of the game – we have also come to the conclusion that there is a forcefield around the ball…. it repels him whenever he gets too close to it!!! only encouraging words I promise!!!
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The worst thing is…. its too long and the dreaded canteen duty.
My son’s AFL this year, we had to get there at half time of the previous game and then they hung around the sheds for about 15-20 mins after the game. It took close to 3 hrs. UGH.
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Unfortunately thats how junior clubs survive. The amount of parents who complain about one volunteer duty (whether it be runner, boundary canteen etc on a roster) that they have to do for the year astounds me. They are also the first parents to bitch when their kid isnt getting enough one on one coaching time or the umpiring isnt to their lofty standards. How about you get OUT of the CAR and do something to help then.
Christy this isnt aimed at you – just some parents who view sport as a baby sitting service
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Completely agree. Our old footy club we practically ran it. Had to do canteen every week, husband was the coach, was there for close to 8 hours every Sunday. There were barely any parents for training nights or game days…. frustrating +++
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ok fair enough, but what frustrates me about the whole ‘volunteering’ thing is that they don’t seem to take into account the fact that you might have other children, younger children and what exactly would you like us to do with them whilst we are being harassed to man the canteen etc etc……. also football is not the only thing that our child/children do we already make a commitment by going to training and attending games, putting up with all the ‘politics’ just so that our child can chuck a ball around for two hours a week. Would like to make clear that whilst I complain I am happy to do all of this because our son loves it but volunteering more of my time nup not happening well at least not until the youngest child is old enough to look after himself!
Oh and in reply to the actual subject, I can’t stand the pushy parents and people that scream and complain from the sidelines, it is supposed to be abit of fun, not the bloody AFL Grand Final!!
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As someone who has been an umpire (and player) for nigh on 10 years, I have seen plenty of scary parents and coaches. Sometimes the players themselves get really out of control – possibly as a result of the frenzied sideline action – and I have been known to actually call time and stop a game to remind them all that it is, in fact, a game and they need to calm down.
There is something about sport that can bring out the rabid attack dog in people. Just like it doesn’t help children to fuss over them when they fall over (a child who would have been fine totally lost it when mum rushed on court and made a fuss), it doesn’t help to model bad behaviour on or near the sporting field. I have sent off players (who were in fact playing on the same team as their daughter) for misconduct – what a spectacular example to set.
Beware the slippery slope.
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Hmm. It is a game though, a competitive sport … If no young kids were ever taught how to play properly then we’d never have any sporting stars would we? ‘Snatch’ was always said to me in netball instead of ‘catch’ as well, it refers to being more aggressive and getting two hands on the ball first.
I guess different parents want different things from their children in terms of their sporting prowress .. I for one will be encouraging my kids to be aggressive and passionate about sport because I know the ones who fluff through it when they’re young and don’t learn any real skills always end up quiting when they reach mid-high school. And there are so many benefits for teenagers playing sport through school into adulthood.
Of course I don’t mean hit or hurt other people before I get crucified, there is a line.
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Most people who are successful at sports have their own internal drive and competitive spirit, the parents don’t need to force them. If you are forcing them your kids they probably don’t have it.
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Intrinsic motivation is difficult for adults to achieve let alone children. Expecting children to have drive is an incredibly high expectation. I think positive reinforcement is key to try and develop those skills.
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I don’t think encouraging “aggression” is a positive thing at all. In any context.
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I don’t really see the issue with telling her daughter to snatch it, cause if she does that, she (and her team) retains the ball. I dont think there is really a politically correct way to say what to do in that instance. The other option is for the other girl to get the ball or for a toss up (??? Haven’t played netball in years, is that the correct term). Then again I am a pretty competitive person when it comes to sport.
My dad was one of those parents that went up and down the sideline yelling stuff out at us, but I think it was more to do with the excitement of getting into the game and the fact that the field wasn’t really small and there were other games going on at the same time. It was a bit embarrasing at the time, but I thought it was great that my dad got into any sport that we played, having 4 daughters and all. Though I was in division 1 or rep for most of the sports that I played, so I guess it quite different in that instance in that if you are in that level, you are not only doing it for fun. Also, I totally get like that if I am watching something live, whether it is professional or just on the weekend. I think there is a difference in getting louder due to excitement and just being a psycho sideline parent though.
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You sound just like me and my family!!
My Mum and Dad are both so passionate about sport … they always use to joke that us kids never had a chance! (we are all so aggressive and very loud spectators …)
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Why “tell” them anything or yell at them? Why not just let them play? If you so need to control how they play, discuss strategies later at home when the game is over.
How do you know your yelling isn’t making other children anxious? I know that I when I used to play junior sport (I sucked, I was much better at ballet) part of the reason I left was because the aggressive parents spoiled it. Competition and learning skills can be positive, but aggression crosses the line. And some kids, no matter how much you yell at them, just aren’t going to be all that good. And if they are good, they’ll be good anyway, they don’t need screeching to make them good.
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You need to tell them what to do because they’re learning the game, so they learn what to do to achieve their objective! Sports operate with rules and within parameters, so there is a way things need to be done to achieve objectives – snatch the ball if it’s free, get your arms up to defend a pass/shot at goal, man up with opposition players so everyone’s covered. When you’re concentrating on something, short sharp recognisable direction is what is required to get the job done, not “Um sweetie, if you don’t mind, would you like to maybe have a go at putting your hands up when the wing attack from the other team has the ball? Thanks precious”.
Also, kids notoriously just follow the ball around in a big clump. They don’t see what is going on anywhere other than right in front of them, or what will happen if they do one thing or another. Coaches or others can see that.
That’s not excusing aggressive parents on the sideline, there’s a line that every spectator needs to respect (frustrating as it may be!) but calling out support or the odd instruction does not an aggro sports parent make.
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Shouldnt the coach be telling them how to do it?
I think it may be a bit confusing for kids to have instructions shouted at them from all directions. If you’re that convinced you know the game well and can help teach it, become prt of the coaching team.
Otherwise shouting out encouragement is all that’s needed from a parent.
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Sure, I do know the game well and I fully intend to when KDot is big enough. Probably do coaching next year when I start playing again, actually.
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Why go to the game if you are not going to get into the atmosphere? This was top level sport for the age group I was in, so you had to be pretty good to actually make the team. Anyone that would be made anxious by words of encouragement (or even reprimands from either their own parents or the coach) wasn’t going to be playing in the team. And we wonder why kids aren’t resilient these days!!
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I think it was Hockey Canada and USA Hockey that released a ‘Relax, it’s just a game’ campaign aimed at parents. You can search at youtube and see the commercials.
Quite brilliant way to send the message across
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I have a friend who’s 9yo son plays rugby. The coach BRIBES them to perform. $1 per tackle and $10 for man of the match. $5 per try.
9yo are pretty money savvy so they think this is wonderful. My friend is horrified but seems to be the only parent who thinks this is wrong so she shuts up. What happened to just trying your best and maybe you’ll win and maybe you won’t?
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I had this a couple of years ago in my son’s soccer team and I too was horrified. Not the coach but some of the parents were paying their kids every time they scored a goal. My son was not too happy that his friends were getting paid and he wasn’t.
I disagree with this for so many reasons: it doesn’t teach them to play like a team and pass the ball, some kids are sportier than others and it doesn’t reward trying your best, and most of all they should be playing because they enjoy the game.
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I should add that apart from that, in 4 years of being a soccer mum I have not yet encountered any scary parents at the game.
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When I played under 8′s soccer, my parents bribed me to just go near the ball.
There doesnt have to be any harm in an incentive.
For the record I got $2.10 in the whole season, I went near the ball twice (I was scared of it, so i got 5c each time) and I was supposed to get $5 for a goal, but my crowning glory was an ‘own’ goal, so i got $2 for trying.
An incentive doesnt have to breed poor sporting behaviour (as I can personally attest) but sometimes it just helps kids focus on certain parts of the game.
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But if you’d scored a goal, I’m sure you would have been super-excited about scoring a goal – why the need for payment?
I just don’t think it encourages teamwork at all. What is a kid who is being paid going to do if they have the ball and a teammate is in a better position to score a goal? They’re not going to pass the ball because if their teammate scores then they don’t get paid, so they’ll hold onto the ball instead, even though that’s not in the best interests of the team.
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Um, I’d be checking your league code of conduct. It’s against AFL code of conduct for payments or incentives in Junior and Amateur AFL (not country) – coaches are deregistered. Maybe its different in other sports…
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My son’s coach yelled out my boy’s name and told him to rip it, Rip it off him.
This is in Rugby though.
I see parents who scream out to their children and I am sure they sometimes are having an orgasm when their child scores. It must be bloody embarassing for the child though.
I am more of a quiet supporter. I will call out occasionally, not often though. I have told my boys that I won’t yell out much because I don’t want to emabarass them too much.
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I coach a 15&Under netball team, and while the parents of my girls are absolutely fantastic (I gave them a harsh warning 3 years ago that if I hear any negative comments, I would personally throw them off the court), I recently coached them against a side whos COACH told them “I don’t care if you have to hit them, just get the ball!”. The parents of this particular team were just as horrible, yelling all sorts from the sideline. I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard an adult coaching a group of girls between the ages of 13-15 telling them to be violent in order to “win”. My team lost by 4 goals, but won in my books because of their amazing attitudes and ability not to get sucked in to the disgusting behaviour of the opposite team – egged on by their parents.
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‘No darling, the *other* way …’
Priceless.
In my teaching days I used to see parents like this all the time – at least Scary Netball Mummy and Daddy aren’t (quite) physically abusing the ref.
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