by JO ABI
I was smacked as a child. I suspect most people over the age of 30 were. It was simply the ‘done’ thing back then.
Nobody questioned it.
I was smacked for being cheeky, for breaking things, for getting dirty, for everything.
I also grew up feeling lonely and distant from my parents. I remember a constant sick feeling in my stomach. I was anxiety-ridden. Clearly, I wasn’t the kind of child who responded well to smacking.
New research released this week, suggests that there is a link between being smacked as a child and mental illness later in life.
According to the LA Times:
A child who is spanked, slapped, grabbed or shoved as a form of punishment runs a higher risk of becoming an adult who suffers from a wide range of mental and personality disorders, even when that harsh physical punishment was occasional and when the child experienced no more extreme form of violence or abuse at the hands of a parent or caregiver, says a new study.
Among adults who reported harsh physical punishment short of physical or sexual abuse, psychiatric disorders including depression, anxiety disorders, mania and drug or alcohol dependency were between 2% and 5% more common. And more complex psychiatric illnesses marked by paranoia, antisocial behavior, emotional dependency and narcissism were between 4% and 7% more likely, according to the study published in the journal Pediatrics.
The increase in mental disorders among those who were hit or physically punished as children was seen even in families where no family dysfunction or clear evidence of parental mental illness was reported, suggesting that the higher risk of psychiatric woes was not necessarily genetically inherited. Even those who reported harsh physical punishment on a “sometimes” basis were at elevated risk of developing psychiatric disease in adulthood. And boys and girls who experienced such physical punishment were equally likely to suffer mental illness as adults.
The Canadian authors of the report, which is based on data collected from nearly 35,000 adult Americans, said their findings underscore that spanking and other forms of harsh physical punishment are a matter not just of private behavior but of public health.
They concluded that the nation’s physicians should explicitly tell parents that physical punishment, including spanking, smacking and slapping, “should not be used on children of any age.”
I smacked my first born once when he was three. I can’t even remember why but I remember being angry. I remember the sting on my hand when I smacked him and I remember the look of shock and devastation on his face. I felt sick. He started crying and I started crying. I knew then that smacking my children wasn’t for me. It brought up too many unhappy memories.
Dr Phil once said we can’t protect our kids from pain and distress, we can only teach them to cope with pain and distress. As a mother I want to focus on protecting them from pain and teaching them to cope with pain and distress. I don’t want to inflict it.
There are so many other disciplinary methods to use – time outs, restricting activities…and they all work quite well for me most of the time.
But this is my choice. This is how I feel comfortable parenting my children. Other parents feel comfortable delivering the odd smack.
I know quite a few exceptional parents with amazing children who do use smacking as a last-resort punishment, when other discipline methods fail. They do it sparingly and with thought. It isn’t done out of anger or frustration. But the same cannot be said for all parents. Some parents don’t smack for the ‘right’ reasons. Some parents cross the line.
Whenever I see parents repeatedly smacking their children in public, I cringe. You’d be surprised how often you observe this at shopping centres and it always makes me worry if the parent is prepared to do that in public, what must they do in private?
I saw a mother smack her son at the shops recently. She said, “Don’t hit your sister” and whacked him. Me? I would have gotten down to his level and said, “Because you hit your sister, when we get home, you will be in time out for ‘x’ minutes” or as I heard another parent say recently, “Do mummy and daddy hit you? Then you don’t hit either. We don’t hit people we love.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Jo Abi is the author of the book How to Date a Dad: a dating guide released by Hachette Livre Australia. You can follow her on Twitter here.
Were you smacked as a kid? What are your thoughts on smacking? Would you or do you, smack your own kids?
Comments
208 Comments so far
There are so many different levels of smacking. Those that say that it “never harmed them” are lucky. They obviously didn’t get flogged, beated, scratched, kicked and punched. This happened to me and I know my parents say they only used to “smack on the bottom occasionally.” *vomit*
This caused so many psychological problems for me, that I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Your parent(s) are supposed to love you and protect you, and all this did was make me think “if my own parents don’t love me, I am worthless,” Fast forward into drug issues, eating disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem………
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non-smacking leads to kids no-one likes & sometimes jail…
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I am going to say it. I dont think you ever really smack a child when you’re feeling reasonable and rational – why would you? In fact, to do so seems incredibly cold and callous to me. Smacking – or violence as i like to call it – is just wrong wrong wrong.
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I have to say, I find this whole smacking thing focuses too much on being politically correct.
I was smacked as a child, only when I did something awful. But you know what? It certainly taught me how to behave. I am now at 20 very close with both my parents and this issue is something we discuss occasionally. For them as parents it worked, I have two sisters and none of us think anything of it. We are all happy and close. My parents never HURT me let me stress that. It was more of a shock thing. And it worked.
I think smacking is ok, and I think there is a very clear line between smacking a child and abusing a child. Smacking is ok. Abuse never ever is. I think equating smacking to abuse is really dangerous. More dangerous than smacking your child.
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i get smacked when i do something naughty, i havnt even gone mental one single bit!!!
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I cannot express strongly enough how opposed I am to smacking children, just as I would never raise a hand to any other other person. I have a strong belief that you simply have no right, that the whole notion that your children are ‘yours’ and that you can do with them as you wish, is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Moreover, modern psychological research agrees that children learn through modelling. ‘Teaching a lesson’ by inflicting pain or instilling fear (which is exactly the aim of hitting a child, whether it ‘hurts’ them or not) is at best ineffective and at worst, fires a whole circuit-board of unfortunate neural connections.
Yes, it may even appear to work – the particular behaviour the child was being punished for may not occur again – but at what cost? Does anyone actually believe that there is no better way?
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Growing up with a large extended family I have seen a mixed bag of parenting styles and the outcomes on their now grown children.
In my family and my experience those who were smacked (only on occasion and always lightly) turned out to be the least violent and interestingly with the best relationships with their parents. One lot who were not smacked are the most violent people i have ever net with no boundaries whatsoever. I mean they would hit my elderly grandmother. Several others from various families who also did not get smacked are the ones with mental issues now.
Im not trying to argue for or against smacking children I just find it interesting thatmy personal experience seems to fly in my the face of anti smacking arguments.
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I’m interested, where the ‘non-smacked’ children otherwise disciplined? It could the the discipline that accompanied the smack than the actual smack.
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when you lay your hands on someone , (, whether that be an adult or a child) out of frustration or in anger, it’s called assault.
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crap.
There’s a world of difference between a disciplinary smack and abuse.
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As someone who’s been subject to domestic abuse, that assertion makes me very mad. There is NO difference in my eyes.
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I thought it was important to reiterate what Kathy mentioned below: This study isn’t based on people who were solely smacked as a child.
“The term harsh physical punishment was used for this study because the measure includes acts of physical force beyond slapping, which some may consider more severe than “customary” physical punishment (ie, spanking)”
“beyond slapping”
“beyond slapping”
“beyond slapping”
Maybe the title of this article should be changed to reflect the actual nature of the study as the current one is blatantly incorrect.
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Why would it come of a surprise to learn that physical consequences lead to later issues? If a parent deals with a difficult situation by losing control and lashing out what message does that send a child? How does a child build resilience, learn to temper their own feelings and act with respect for others when the opposite is inflicted on them? I was only ever smacked a few times as a child but each time I clearly remember a burning sense of injustice, hatred and frustration. Not healthy.
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I’m surprised by the amount of people who are totally agreeing with this article. When reading the comments below, I feel a bit sad with the number of people who report that they have been traumatised by their parents’ smacks, saying they can still remember every smack they received. It makes me wonder how was their relationship with their parents in general?
My sisters and I were smacked as children when we were being particularly obnoxious and it was never a big deal. I remember crying and carrying on dramatically after being smacked just to try and make my Mum feel bad as I was usually fighting with her before being smacked – though she never smacked me very hard. It was a regular form of punishment so it wasn’t something that I greatly feared. I continue to have a really close relationship with my Mum and Dad.
I believe this article has a poor evidence base. How did they choose the people to survey? Too many factors in the study are unknown to make any real connection between mental health and being smacked.
Like so many things with parenting, it is the WAY parents do something that matters, not what they do. A parent can do everything that the “Parenting Self Help Book” says to do – spend enough time with children, feed them the right food, don’t smack them, etc, but if a parent is anxious while spending time with the children, children will pick up on this anxiety. If a parent is out-of-control and uses smacking as a way to relieve their own anger, a child will feel the harsh anger attached to the smack. If a smack is applied too frequently or for matters the child doesn’t understand, the child is likely to be left confused and afraid.
If a parent has a loving, open relationship with their child and smacking is only used sparingly for reasons the child understands (ie. they know they are being naughty and they have pushed their parent to their limit), then I can’t see how smacking will lead to mental illness.
Vague connections like this one need better support. Parenting is complex and not a matter of ticking the boxes. It is not black and white and we should not focus on ‘this is right’, ‘this is wrong.’
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Well said.
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“and they have pushed their parent to their limit”
I find it very interesting that you have used this phrase in this particular context.
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I have no issue with another parent/teacher using time out/ taking something off my child as punishment for bad behaviour as those are the methods we have used to ensure good behaviour.. For those who smack, how would you feel about a teacher smacking your child for bad behaviour?
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Personally I wish teachers could do more than send kids to time out or the headmasters office. We have had some nightmare behavioural problems at my kids school and they seem powerless to do much beyond calling the parents in for a chat and counselling the child. It does nothing. My kids and their classmates still have to put up with the daily antics of these little demons and their parents dont take it seriously or dont think the behaviour is as bad as it really is.
That didnt happen when I was at school, they got the cane then suspended and then expelled. And parents agreed with the schools decision.
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still happens in parts of the world, & at the schools kids have got such respect, standing when teachers approach, tipping their hats & saying gooday’ to visitors & parents, teaching them manners, some Australian/uk & USA schools let kids get away with way too much & some kid are a product of that – manners should be taught at home 1st & backed up by schools vica verse
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I’m a little confused. Can someone please let me know what the researchers of the Journal article, cited in this opinion piece, actually mean by physical punishment? I find their explanation a little ambiguous.
I’ve copied their definition of physical punishment verbatim.
“Physical punishment was assessed with the question, “As a child how often were you ever pushed, grabbed, shoved, slapped or hit by your parents or any adult living in your house?” Respondents who reported an answer of “sometimes” or greater to this event were considered as having experienced harsh physical punishment. The term harsh physical punishment was used for this study because the measure includes acts of physical force beyond slapping, which some may consider more severe than “customary” physical punishment (ie, spanking). Furthermore, to ensure that physical punishment was considered in the absence of more severe child maltreatment, respondents who endorsed severe physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical neglect, emotional neglect, or exposure to intimate partner violence were excluded from the current sample. Severe physical abuse was defined as being hit so hard it left marks, bruises, or caused an injury. Sexual abuse was defined as…”
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Actually I’ve just reread this definition and if my interpretation if correct many people commenting appear to have confused spanking (which was not measured in the journal article) with harsh physical punishment (ie a combination of spanking, slapping, grabbing, shoving).
The authors of the research state “The term harsh physical punishment was used for this study because the measure includes acts of physical force beyond slapping…”. Therefore children of parents who just used just spanking were not included.
People need to be mindful of this difference when responding to this article.
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Correlation does NOT equal causality. Whilst this study is interesting and the topic certainly worthy of REASONED discussion this is not conclusive evidence that smacking causes mental illness. It had also been quite clear in recent research that mental illness is like the cancer of the psychological world. There are multiple contributing factors. To think that simply not smacking children would dramatically reduce incidence of mental illness is naive.
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Indeed. And the incidence of diagnosed mental illness is rising around the world, as awareness increases. Could well be an outside factor contributing to the findings.
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perhaps a study on ‘non-smacking’ & now mental needs to be done – kids with no rules & guidance, grow up & can’t believe the world doesn’t treat them like the little emperors mommy & daddy did for the 1st 20 yrs & then they can’t handle ‘real life’ ….observations
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What do you do when you and your partner disagree about spankings? Thankfully, little one is still too little for any type of discipline other than picking him up and moving him away from whatever he shouldn’t be touching, but my partner and I have discussed spanking ad naseum and just cannot agree (I am firmly against (which is a post-children realization as I was spanked and truthfully, no long term harm and only for “major” offenses like biting my sister and my partner believes that it is an appropriate form of discipline for really bad behavior after say, the age of 6). I’ve already forwarded the actual article to him!
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You listen to your husband, because he ir right.
A well directed smack will not hurt your kid for more than a couple of minutes. There’s no danger of long term damage at all if all you are doing is smacking with an open hand. If you hurt your hand, then you’re hitting too hard. Don’t samck them when you’re angry or for retribution, wait until you’ve calmed down and assess if the smack is justified.
Most of the time it won’t be, my 2 boys were smacked by me once each when they were growing up, one for punching his sister, and the other for cutting down a tree in the back yard that did 10 grand in damage. My daughter didn’t get one, mainly because she didn’t cut down any trees or belt anyone.
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Don’t tell her what to do. If she feels strongly against smacking then so be it. Don’t you think smacking your son because he punched your daughter is a bit ironic? Physically hurting a child to teach them that it’s wrong to physically hurt others??
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Elle, normally I wouldn’t tell her what to do, but she asked. So I gave a reasoned and thoughtful response.
I gave my examples because I only felt that I had to smack the boys once each, and they were for pretty big stuff ups by the kids. I didn’t do it angry, and I didn’t do it out of revenge or because they deserved it. I did it to teach the kids that there are consequences for actions. In this case it caused pain. Certainly there is the argument that hitting my son for hitting his sister is a little perverse, but sometimes the world is like that. And the consequences that my son experienced taught him a lesson that he hasn’t forgotten, and he never hit his sister again. so while there is some irony about hitting a kid for hitting another kid, iot’s not really relevant in this case.
The funny thing about it is that 10 years later, the boys joke about how getting a belting hurt like hell, it did teach them a lesson. Yet I still feel guilty about hitting them.
So I can say it with a certain amount of experience, and repeat what I said, as a form of punishment that is handed out rarely it can be very effective, and the kids did not suffer any lasting effects except to learn that what they did wasn’t right.
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While I appreciate the alternative view (the one that my husband shares) I just can’t get on board with the spanking thing and this is going to be a huge issue in our family life. As mentioned, we have talked and talked about this and cannot reach agreement. We have either been on the same page or come around to the same page for all other parenting issues that have arisen to date (19 months) and I’m very worried about this one. I half-jokingly said I’d call the police as I wanted to convey how strongly I now feel about this…this did not go over well and we decided to once again table the topic. Oh – and my husband is a softy when it comes to our little boy (and a gentle person generally) – I’m not worried about him actually hurting anyone – it’s just that I am now completely opposed to any kind of smacking.
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I’m not advocating it as a daily thing, only for extreme cases of misbehaviour.
There are other ways but for extreme stuff I’m quite ok with hitting my kids once!
Constant corporal punishment is a waste of time, and does nothing to prevent further bad behaviour. I remember as a kid goading my grandfather because he’d come at me aInd my brother with his belt. so we’d pick a fight just to see if we could outrun him. The cranky old bastard would be holding his pants up with one hand while cracking his belt on our arses like a stockwhip. It hurt like hell but it was bloody funny.
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My kids are 21 and 23 and I regret smacking them. I mainly did it when they were quite young and I couldn’t reason with them. Nonetheless I wish I hadn’t.
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This topic certainly brings out the holier than thou in people doesn’t it! I think this is just one more study that people can use to justify their style of discipline and to push for anti smacking laws, which I guess will eventually pass.
I’m in the occasional smack on the nappied bum or tap on the hand to stop something dangerous or when you really want to grab their attention.
I have to be honest and say that a severe smacking/belting was the only thing that stopped me wandering off to a friends place after school as a 5 year old by myself. I still remember that and honestly don’t know how I would have handled it differently myself in my mums situation and don’t resent her for it.
I guess smacking shouldn’t be a first choice, but will probably always happen and studies such as these can’t show any definitive proof of a link to mental illness, only a higher correlation retrospectively.
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What DOESN’T cause mental illness these days? Don’t get me wrong – I have never spanked my child and never intend to. I instinctively know it is not good for them. However, I often feel that parents are made to watch themselves so closely these days, that you feel wrong in every decision you make. If you enroll your kids in too many ‘scheduled’ activities, you are not fostering independance and are a helicopter parent. If you don’t buy the latest developmental toy, your child is missing out. However, if you do buy it, then you’re spoiling your child. If you stay at home to raise your kids your child will not be very social, but if you go to work your child will miss out on bonding with his parents.
I know spanking is a different than the examples I have given…parents should never be physically or emotionally abusive. But my first reaction to this article was, “Oh no…what did I do wrong now?” Then relief when I realized at least this time I’m off the hook… I have never spanked my child.
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So well said.
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I know – there is such a thing as ‘too much information’ – with endless ‘research’ showing all sorts of possible outcomes for various parenting approaches. I think most parents are doing their best – they have good days and bad days – moments of inspirations and moments they wished they had done better. For those who never shout or lose their cool – I commend you. But I think nearly everyone is human and has moments where they are at a loss to know how to best guide their children in a moment of supreme difficulty or frustration. This is not a justification of smacking – I think nearly everyone aspires to use non-physical modes of discipline – but rather just a reminder that perfect parenting 24 hours a day seems to be an impossibility – to me anyway. I was smacked by my parents – rarely and without a great deal of force – and to be honest I still believe if I can parent my own children with the degree of care, sensitivity, commitment and intelligence that I experienced – I will be very happy.
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Thanks for this article. Agree with every.single.word.
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I was smacked when I was younger…. and I turned out alright. I love my mum very much. I don’t think its as simple as smacking = mental illness, there are so much more factors. I hated when I see parents smack their kids in public. Of course that’s going to cause harm to the child’s psychology.
When I was punished for been naughty when I was younger, it was always in private, mum always gave me plenty of warnings, and been smacked was the only way I learnt.
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I agree. I was smacked as a child, but only after I’d been warned time and time again not to do something… I think it oversimplifies the issue to equate smacking to mental illness.
I won’t even get started on the fact that parents are WAY too soft on their kids these days, I’m sorry but getting the odd smack here and there helped to teach me the difference between “yes you can do that” and “no, no no no no you can’t”. I look at the teenage brats out during school holidays and think a few of them would benefit from a swift cuff around the ears.
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I was never smacked.
I smack my kids.
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I just can’t get on board with this over simplified of a connection between smacking and mental illness. I think it has more to do with the stress and fear and anxiety that a child feels when being disciplined that are factors. A child who is put in this sort of emotional state at a young age on a regular basis is going to get into a habit of returning to this emotional state when ever there are recurring cues. A child whose parent yells at them can easily learn to feel anxious and scared any time their parent raises their voice then if it continues regularly perhaps their stress can be triggered by other people yelling and so on. It’s about children forming emotional habits based on repeated occurrences. They are being conditioned. There is also the danger that kids who are sensitive in nature internalize things and believe that they are unloved or unworthy. The family is the primary socialization agent and it’s very very hard to break the patterns and emotional habits that are learnt there. The good news is tho is that it is very hard to break the patterns and emotional habits learnt there
therefore if you fill your kid with confidence and love they are going to be pretty resilient!
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Yes the supposed connection is too simple. I don’t think its even the fear when being disciplined, I think if there is fear and emotional instability in a child’s life in general then that is the issue. I know it was or me, growing up with an OCD control freak father who had explosive outbursts and criticized everything I thought/said/did. That caused me more damage than the odd smack.
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I read about an interesting study recently that concluded it’s not the smacking itself but the cultural context that matters. For instance, spanking in the black American community is considered normal, so corporal punishment (within reason of course) doesn’t emotionally damage children within that community. It’s when it occurs in a culture which is strongly opposed to it that the child feels damaged and shamed as a result, and suffers long term emotional consequences.
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My dad is a psychologist and he’s often said this about a variety of things – that we feel shame and damage often because we’re told it’s wrong. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I know he’s helped many, many people recover, so who knows?!
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that is so true to a point.
Being smacked for everything and this continueing throughout my teens, felt horrible. And I lived in a community where it was expected to happen and ACCEPTED to happen.
So not entirely true.
What I do know is that if a child is very young, and teh smacking stops before age 7, then if its done with many other positive didcispline techqniues, then all should be ok. But in reality, that is not the case. It becomes habituial and a form of control for many parents
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Really great ariticle Jo. I remember every smack I received as a child, not many but enough to have an impact. I can still feel the fear.
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I’m against smacking personally; I don’t smack my own children but still, I find the title and lead photo of this piece to be complete propaganda. As if smacking and mental illness are such a neat, simplistic equation. Only the most naive person would believe spanking your child would “cause them to be mentally ill.” Parental guilt tripping at its finest.
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Firstly it annoys the crap out of me when people assume we don’t discipline our children because we don’t hit them.
Secondly it’s not the lack of hitting that is the cause of all those brats, it’s the lack of PARENTING.
Thirdly, my nana was fond of saying that children/young adults had no manners, were disrespectful etc, and that was back in the 1960′s, so it’s nothing new.
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Well said
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Me and my 2 other siblings were smacked as kids- not for every little thing, but when our mum couldn’t reason with us/when we’d done something really naughty. The threat ‘do you want a smack’ came before and the smack itself was never hard- just on the butt or hand.
I don’t have kids myself but I understand where my mum was coming from, and ive been around my little cousins a lot- sometimes reasoning with a 3 yr old with words just doesn’t work.
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Actually words do work with a three year old. It just takes a lot more time, effort and patience.
Smacking is the easy way out from a parental perspective in my opinion.
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Would you let another adult smack you because they didn’t like your behaviour? or would you rather they talk to you about the issue?
It is called assault not parenting.
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It is NOT called assault. I was smacked as a child and will argue with you to the death if you dared to imply my parents assaulted me.
Two adults can talk to each other because they have well developed mental capacities – it’s not the same as a 30 year old talking to a 2 year old and trying to explain why playing with taps in the bath is potentially dangerous, or why we don’t throw toys at the newborn baby.
Also – one adult is not responsible for another’s behaviour, like a parent is responsible for a child’s behaviour. It is up to a parent to instil certain values, behaviours, etc in their children as well as keep them safe. If that sometimes means a smack on the bottom, then that is what I will do. I am not making you do it, and I would never do it to anyone else’s child. But you’re are trying to draw parallels between very different circumstances.
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Adriana
So the difference between assault and smacking is in the disparity between the mental capacities of the smacker and smackee? People without well-developed mental capacities will respond better to a smack than a conversation?
I would invite you to imagine a ‘mentally capable’ adult carer and an adult with the mental capacity of a two year old. On your logic, the carer should be able to smack the adult with a disability to prevent them from endangering themselves.
We would call that assault because it would be between two adults – and we would call it despicable because of the vast power differential. But when an adult with a large degree of power of a child smacks, that’s ok?
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Emma
Obviously there are going to be circumstances that ‘don’t fit’ with what I said above. This is the case for ANY statement anyone makes. OF COURSE I am not suggesting that people with mental disabilities should be smacked. I would have thought that goes without saying, but surprisingly that’s not the case.
No, I wouldn’t say the difference between assault and smacking is only “the disparity between the mental capacities”. I’d say any reasonable person would be able to tell the difference between a smack on the bottom and a case of assault – I’m assuming we’re going to differ on that so I’ll leave it at that. If you’re someone who considers a smack on the bottom, that leaves no mark/scarring etc on a child, assault – then I just plain disagree with you, and you with me.
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So if your partner / boss / co-worker etc smacked you on the bottom because you did something they disagreed with you’d be totally fine with it and would not consider it assault?
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Yes. Yes, that’s exactly the same thing. There are absolutely no differences in the r/ship between an adult and a partner, adult and a boss or adult and young child. They are all exactly the same.
Seriously! I completely understand and respect your right to disagree with me but let’s not play stupid.
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assault is laying your hands on another person in anger, or frustration etc. that includes children because they are people too, just smaller .
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What bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with a well aimed smack. We aren’t talking arterial blood, it’s a tap on the bum and kids sometimes need it to slow them down.
Calling it assalt does nothing but demonstrate your ignorance.
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To be honest, I think it depends entirely on context – as a child I was on occassion smacked, but never hard enough to really physically hurt, and I always knew exactly why – it was usually the fact I had earnt a smack that upset me more than the action itself. I don’t have kids myself, but have nieces and nephews and best friends wth children whose parents all give them the odd smack within reason because a lot of the time there’s just no point in trying to reason with a 2 year old – they don’t have the capacity to understand what their parents are trying to tell them.
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I think many people are missing some clear definitions of what smacking vs physical abuse are. If a tool or ‘weapon’ is used (wooden spoon, belt etc) or if the physical touch leaves a mark, it is not smacking. That is physical abuse. A smack is an open hand with light force, if you leave a mark you are abusing, not smacking. Some of you are using personal experiences of ‘smacking’ to reason why you won’t do the same to your children, yet your personal experiences are actually beyond a mere smack…
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I wasn’t smacked as a child and I’ve never smacked my children.
But growing up in the fifties and sixties, smacking was very much in vogue. Most parents smacked their children and corporal punishment was common in schools.
If smacking does indeed cause mental illness, there must be a huge epidemic of mental illness going on in the adult populations of the world.
It’s only in these more enlightened times, or some would say undisciplined times, that parents have stopped smacking their kids.
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There absolutely is a world epidemic of mental illness in the world, in particular depression.
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There absolutely is a world epidemic of mental illness in the world, in particular depression.
If it was caused through people being smacked as kids this epidemic must have been going on continuously since the dark ages because that’s how long parents have been smacking kids for.
I never smacked my children because I didn’t have to. I was lucky enough to give birth to sensible children who I could reason with from an early age.
But not all kids are as managable as mine were, so I don’t have a problem with other parents using whatever means they have to try and raise their children into responsible members of society.
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‘whatever means they have’ ?? Hmm
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“I was smacked as a child…I also grew up feeling lonely and distant from my parents. I remember a constant sick feeling in my stomach.”
While that may be your experience Jo, I want to point out that is most certainly not everyone’s experience. I was smacked as a child (not punched, not kicked, not abused) and I couldn’t have more respect and love for my parents now, nor did I have a ‘constant sick feeling’ when I was younger. I wouldn’t change a thing about my childhood and that includes the smacks!
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I identified immediately with Jo’s words you have highlighted above. It wasn’t until I was in my 20′s that I let go of that fear every time my Dad walked into the room. Smacking is not something I will do with my own children simply because I respect them too much to resort to physical punishment when, more often than not, the problem behaviour is caused by emotion.
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Oh God, now I feel absolutely lousy. Another thing I wish I could take back but I can’t.
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As someone who works in mental health, these findings are not new or shocking.
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Whilst I don’t really think hitting your kids is all that cool there are obviously degrees of smacking, some of which are harmful and some of which probably don’t hurt the little buggers much at all…. I actually saw a kid get a right belting today, he was about to run straight out in front of a car and his Mum screamed for him to stop and he got a sore bum for his troubles.
Perhaps it could’ve been dealt with better but I’m guessing the ‘mental damage’ he’ll get from it will be a lot less damage than that car would’ve done.
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my dad never smacked me. he was a verbally abusive alcoholic. that f**ked me up sufficiently, thanks.
it might be that unhappy families create more smackers, and the unhappiness creates the mental illness, not the smacking.
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Agree 100%
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sorry to hear about your relationship with your dad.
i agree with you in that it is the unhappiness that causes the mental illness, not the smacking. Or the context of the smacking that causes the mental illness, not the smacking itself.
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careful with the data. self-report. correlational.
What about in places where harsh physical punishment for children is the norm? Are they all mentally ill?
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Having worked in childcare…I’m divided on this issue. Although (obviously) we do not smack children, there have been times when it has been necessary to intervene with children’s behavior physically (I.e a child attempting to physically assault other children with a cricket bat, he was not provoked and we tried to talk to him, we tried to separate the other children from him and in the end had to “bear hug him” and hold him until he calmed down. I have no doubt if we did not take that action he would have caused significant harm to himself or someone else. So although I don’t think children should face physical punishment for anything and everything, I believe there are situations where it is appropriate. Just as we can’t go around smacking out adults if we disagree with them, but police and civilians are allowed to use reasonable force for self defense or to protect someone from harm. Including the person acting out.
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But Zozo what you did to the kid at work was hold him back preventing him from being violent towards others. It is completely different from smacking/hitting a child. Your example doesn’t really make sense because you did not physically punish the child you just held him until he was calmer.
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I think that’s where the line becomes blurred though, because although he wasn’t smacked, he was physically restrained, and there was the potential for him to be hurt- I just don’t think the smack/no smack issue is black and white, and that in some situations methods like discussion and time out aren’t appropriate or effective.
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So What happens when all those touchy feely methods dont work?
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Seek help for yourself – children are a reflection of their parents!
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Disciplining your kids without having to resort to violence isn’t ‘touchy feely’ it is being a good parent.
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Mum, I hear you loud and clear. I’ve yet to meet a child whose parents loudly and proudly boast they are non smackers who is well behaved. They’re usually indulged monsters. ‘Darling mummy doesnt like it when you draw all over the wall in black marker pen’ isnt my idea of disciplining a child!
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Great article Jo. I was smacked by my Mother and pulling the ear was also something she did, always out of anger and frustration. Her yelling used to make me cringe, but eventually I switched off to pretty much anything she said. My Father, I think, smacked me once and never yelled. He once quietly told me that he was disappointed with me for something I’d done…I’d never felt regret more deeply.
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Yes, I was smacked as a kid, and while it hasn’t cause me any emtional harm, I dont do it to my kids (anymore).
My practices with my own children are different. I did smack my first child very occasionally. I smacked my second child once, and never did it again. The look on his face was one of utter confusion and betrayal. He just didn’t get it and was quiet for hours after. It’s hard to explain but it’s not a look I ever want to see again. Completely different reaction to when I smacked firstborn.
Now I dont smack at all. My boys have very different personalities and require different methods of discipline, but I’ve decided that smacking is not an appropriate one for me.
I am also a reformed “yeller.” I found that screaming at my kids was as damaging to me as it was useless to them. Same with screaming at husband.
Parenting can be hard work and at times I’ve wanted to rip my hair out. I’ve yet to find a perfect system, but have decided that these particualar methods dont work in my family.
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While I don’t think its OK to go around hitting a child (or anyone for that matter), I can say this:
I received a the odd smack (and it was only ever a couple of times when I was being a brat) as a kid and only ever from my dad. I never lived in anxious fear of him. In fact, weirdly, he was and still is the parent that I trust the most and can say anything to without fear of condemnation. Don’t get me wrong, I hated it when I received a smack but it didn’t leave lasting damage.
My mum on the other hand, never smacked me, but would verbally argue with me ALL the time. Telling me how (she assumed) I felt, thought, acted etc. It was a CONSTANT source of stress in my life, particularly as a tween and teenager. And now as a parent, despite loving her, she still causes me much anxiety. I have even had to seek counselling to deal with this. She doesn’t realise it, but she was a controlling mother, in that she would try and control the way I thought. Which, in itself probably doesn’t seem that bad, but it has really had a lasting effect on me, right up till now in my late 30′s.
I know this specific post is about smacking and the damage it might do to a child/person, but think that sometimes it is forgotten that a lot of psychological damage can be during childhood by various other forms of abuse/neglect.
I have adopted sisters-in-law who my in-laws took on 12 years ago. These children (all siblings) came from a home and foster homes where they were actually left alone. They weren’t spoken to, read to, played with, taught anything. And now, as teenagers, the neglect/abuse they endured as small babies and pre-schoolers has left them so mentally scarred. They all have a lot of issues. The damage has been irreversible. It’s so so sad.
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Mental and emotional issues are so complex, they are usually due a number of variable things, not just simply attributed to being smacked as a child!!!
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Exactly Ladybug. That’s why I particularly dislike the title of this article.
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I have the same relationship with my mother. Although I occasionally smack my son (twice a year if that), I never want to put him through the emotionally controlling abuse my mother put me through.
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I have on occasion smacked my children (on the bottom), a couple of times i admit out of anger, but I do find that time out is much more effective discipline. I was smacked as a child and I do suffer anxiety now, however my anxiety and emotional distance from my parents is related more to events that happened during my Tweens/teenage years than getting the odd smack on the bottom when I was a young child. I am just wondering is the odd spank a child receives when they are naughty that causes later anxiety, or perhaps a parent who smacks is more likely to have aspects to their personality that may negatively impact their child which then causes them to be anxious????
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Beautiful article Jo! I am very against smacking. I feel it teaches nothing but fear. I was smacked occasionally as a child and it brings up memories of being terrified of my dad and anxious about when it might happen. He used to raise his hand and I would cringe! I don’t remember anything about my behaviour that caused a smack all I remember is the fear and anxiety!
I cannot stand those people who insist you cannot discipline children without smacking. Teachers seem to do okay with it at schools! And how ironic is the woman smacking her kid for hitting his sister?
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As a teacher, I can safely say you have no idea what teachers do to children in the isolation of their classroom. I have seen/heard some terrible forms of punishment. Ie. one teacher kept a student blocked off from the rest of the class for the entirety of the school year, disallowing him from socialising with the other students. ANother teacher yells and bellows and humiliates the children for seemingly small issues (such as messy book work) until the child cries.
Off the subject I know. All i’m saying is that the smack/don’t smack debate is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. It is about the relationship between parent and child.
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“You have no idea what “some” teachers in “some” classrooms do” might be less of a sweeping generalization here.
I am a teacher who doesn’t yell, “punish” or otherwise intimidate children, and I find year after year children behave well in my class because their relationship with me is good. I find it difficult to understand wanting to smack a child, but I am not a mother, and as some of my friends who are mothers tell me, I might understand it once I am. I am guessing not, personally I just fundamentally disagree with physical means of “discipline”.
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I was smacked by my mother as a child and from what I remember those occasions were when I really deserved it. My stepfather on the other hand beat me, abused me verbally and mentally and was generally a dick. I am mot mentally ill. I have my issues, like anyone.
I don’t smack my children very often, and yes I have lost my cool and maybe smacked them when I shouldn’t have. Show me the perfect parent please. And those who want to say, “Oh but you grew up being shown violence is OK!” shame on you. Being the victim of many long years of abuse showed me violence is most certainly not OK. But to me there is a big difference between a smack on the bum or the hand, and violence.
As it is, my kids never cower in fear. They do not run from me. They are happy and well-adjusted and amazing and intelligent and cuddly and social.
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I agree. When I was little and got smacked, it was only on the bottom and I don’t recall ever equating it with being ‘hit’ even though i knew it was wrong to hit. Systemic abuse be it physical or emotional, well I think a child can tell the difference.
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my parents never smacked my sisters or I, we had things taken from us instead or were not allowed to attend parties etc…
My husband’s father did smack him and his sister, he would call his hand Mr Swipe and hit them usually on the bottom, or otherwise the arm/leg…
My husband said it was the tone us his father voice that scared him the most, and that he was SCARED of his father, something he never wants our children to be, scared of him…
We were so shocked the other day when our son (six) told us Mr Swipe got him when he was sleeping over at Pops house, my husband actually burst into tears…
We have not had the conversation with pop yet, but he wont be staying there again until we do.
So those memories are clearly still upsetting to my husband and i am so glad he feels so strongly against using violence with our children….
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I was smacked by my parents on the odd occasion but it was only when I really deserved it! I am super close with both my parents and we have an amazing relationship. I definitely don’t feel like getting smacked as a child has scarred me in any way… actually I think it helped me respect my parents even more
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violence and respect, not usually two things that go hand in hand….
each to their own of course.
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Smacking is not violence.
Speaking for myself, I respect my parents because they smacked me and it worked. If they’d punched or kicked me, my reaction would probably be different.
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how can smacking not be violence?????
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How did them smacking you make you respect them more? I don’t get it
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Disciplining children is a discipline in itself for adults. It is much easier to smack in the heat of the moment than do timeout or other methods that require time, patience and consistency.
I dont think you can teach children to control their emotions and not use violence as a solution if you dont model that behaviour yourself.
But, we all make mistakes- it’s part of being a parent.
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And so the search continues for another excuse to enable some people to explain away their abhorent anti-social behaviour.
My heart goes out to any individual who is generally suffering from mental illness.
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I can’t even read the article. I just wanted to respond to the headline by saying I’m calling BULLSHIT on this.
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Lol right. You don’t even read the article but its bullshit? At least know what you’re bullshitting !
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I all bullshit on the TITLE.
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I call bullshit on the TITLE.
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