Listen to this story being read by Jessie Stephens, here.
Disappointment is a funny thing.
You cannot be disappointed in someone you never expected anything from in the first place. And perhaps that is how we found ourselves in a cultural predicament where we have one set of expectations for women, and another set entirely for men.
Allow me to explain.
Almost two months ago, Lizzo released the song 'Grrrls'. In it, she used a four letter word that is highly offensive to the disability community, particularly in Australia and the UK. The connotations are slightly different in the United States, especially among black Americans. In the case of Lizzo, one could be excused for genuinely not knowing that the word has been, and continues to be used as a weapon against people with disabilities, particularly those with Spastic Diplegic Cerebral Palsy (CP).
Advocates like Hannah Diviney, an Australian writer who lives with CP, was among those who asked the lyrics be changed. She explained the context and implored Lizzo to "do better".
Two days later Lizzo announced she would be changing the lyrics. Her statement read:
"It's been brought to my attention that there is a harmful word in my new song 'Grrrls'. Let me make one thing clear: I never want promote derogatory language. As a fat black woman in America, I've had many hurtful words used against me so I overstand the power words can have (whether intentionally or in my case, unintentionally). I'm proud to say there's a new version of 'Grrrls' with a lyric change. This is the result of me listening and taking action. As an influential artist I'm dedicated to being part of the change I've been waiting to see in the world. Xoxo, Lizzo."
It is difficult to read this story as anything other than a Good Thing. Woman didn't know word was offensive. Woman learns word is offensive. Woman changes word. End of story.
Watch: An ode to Lizzo. Post continues below.
But then came Beyoncé.
Six weeks later, Beyoncé released her new album, and in the song 'Heated' the same ableist slur appeared twice. The song had been co-written to Drake. It's interesting how Drake's involvement has barely come up.
Disability advocates repeated themselves. While Lizzo could be forgiven for not knowing the word was offensive, how had Beyonce missed the memo? The headline had been everywhere. The New York Times. The Washington Post. Trevor Noah had even delivered a monologue on the subject.
Was Beyoncé, a social justice warrior, the woman who stood in front of the word 'FEMINIST' and helps fundraise for the Democrats and advocates for stricter gun control and is a vocal LGBTQI+ ally, a woman who also didn't care about the plight of people with disabilities? Did she want to offend?
Unsurprisingly, the answer was no.
Days later, Beyoncé, just like Lizzo, changed the lyrics. A spokeswoman said: "The word, not used intentionally in a harmful way, will be replaced."
Again, isn't this a Good Thing?
Absolutely.
But what do Lizzo and Beyoncé have in common?
They're both women.
And they're both black.
This week, Eminem, who is neither of those things, released a greatest hits album, and you'll never guess what word he used freely.
It was a re-release of a song, which makes the case ever so slightly different. But you'll notice you've barely seen headlines about it. The New York Times haven't picked it up, or The Washington Post. Diviney, to her credit, wrote a piece for HireUp, but she acknowledged this is far from his first offence.
Eminem, I'm willing to bet every cent to my name, will not be changing that lyric.
When you're a white, able-bodied, straight man, you get the luxury of being apolitical. You don't have to stand for anything. Your existence does not challenge the status quo. People probably won't ask you in interviews whether you're a feminist or whether you're an LGBTQI+ ally.
We reserve that for women. Especially women of colour.
When Lizzo walks onto a stage, her very subjectivity is political. She is a black woman, who must stand for all black women. She is a self-identified fat woman, who must stand for all fat women. She is an intersectional feminist who therefore must advocate for every minority until the end of time. Her status as someone who cares about 'equality' becomes a stick to beat her with, because eventually she will (inevitably) trip up.
Eminem has nothing to trip on. He never claimed to care about anything or anyone.
Interestingly, Beyoncé's husband, Jay Z, used the same ableist slur five years ago. Kanye uses it. Drake uses it. XXXTENTACION used it. None of these men have changed their lyrics.
There is an expectation for women to be kind. A demanding male boss is seen as powerful. A demanding female boss is seen as a bitch. One of the worst thing a woman can be is not very nice, and that is partly where the outrage comes from when a female artist uses an offensive slur. The maternal ideals we hold for all women mandate that she must always place the feelings of others before herself, she must be tender and self-sacrificing, and if she has (accidentally or not) hurt someone's feelings, she better rectify the situation immediately.
And that is what we've seen.
It is oftentimes, especially online, women policing the behaviour and language of other women, in a way that men simply do not do to other men. The bar for 'kindness' continues to be raised for women, and more and more of us fail to clear it, while the bar for some men hasn't budged.
That is not to say the criticism of Lizzo or Beyoncé was unfounded. If less people are using ableist slurs then, on the whole, perhaps this is progress.
But it's worth a moment of pause.
Because while women are busy changing their lyrics, men, it seems, can still say whatever they like.
Jessie Stephens is the author of best-selling book, Heartsick. For more, you can follow her on Instagram.
Image: Getty + Mamamia.
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