When you’re a new mum, you learn very quickly that there’s a fine line between being funny and honest, and breaking the rules.
Of course, it’s not quite clear who invented the rules. But it’s hard to ignore the people responsible for maintaining them.
When Amy Schumer posted a photo of herself in maternity underwear earlier this week, the rule-enforcers very much came out in plain sight.
‘Excuse us,’ they yelled. ‘We want you to be a relatable mum, but not like that.’
Why? Because babies are beautiful, motherhood is beautiful, but sharing a candid and normal photo of yourself wearing maternity briefs isn’t quite in line with how women are meant to behave.
Not when we’re used to seeing new mums posing in bikinis, or underwear, having seemingly removed their maternity pad for the sole purpose of getting a good photo.
Why look like this:
When you could look like this:
Just five weeks ago, Amy Schumer gave birth to her son, Gene, with husband Chris Fisher.
To many people, Schumer’s message is incredible, as it has been from the start of her motherhood journey. She hilariously nailed the realities of pregnancy in her Netflix special, Growing, and now, the candid baby snaps of her in a natural state of being are making many mothers relate hard.
But to others, she’s doing motherhood very, very wrong.
They’ve drawn the line in the comments:
“Put some decent clothes on and grow up.”
“I’m sorry but I think your taking this whole ‘natural’ thing to an extreme … brush your hair and put some decent clothing on. Child birth is a great thing but you don’t have to let yourself go in return.”
“Are you blind?” (In response to someone calling Schumer beautiful.)
That seems like… intense feedback.
Maybe the problem is that Schumer, and other new mums, aren’t aware of The 5 Incontrovertible Rules of Being a New Mum.
The unwritten (and often entirely contradictory) rules that dictate how you’re meant to look, behave, and interact with your baby, as well as which jokes you’re allowed to make and which ones you’re definitely not.
So for anyone who is a new mum, knows a new mum, or might one day be a new mum, here are the rules, just to avoid confusion (note: these are satirical, and are not intended to be followed. By anyone. Ever)
One must be honest, but not… vulgar.
Yes, you can joke about being sleep deprived or share your struggle with mastitis. But as soon as you’re like, ‘Legit: this is what I look like now, I haven’t slept in weeks, my undies are huge, my boobs hurt, I haven’t brushed my hair and I don’t care because I’m busy caring for a tiny human,’ YOU’RE SHATTERING THE ILLUSION OF BEING AN EARTH MOTHER AND IT’S OFFENSIVE TO HUMANITY.
Ma’am… none of us are, or ever have been, earth mothers. And the purpose of motherhood isn’t to look good while doing it.
Lactation stains, yes. Sh*t stains, no.
Lactation stains are funny because they remind people of boobs, which they like. Sh*t stains are not funny. They remind us all of traumatic times.
You may have a messy bun, but not a messy… life.
Messy buns say ‘I’m covered in a light layer of sweat from running after my child in my fitted activewear’. Not wearing pants (or tops for that matter) says ‘IDGAF WHAT I LOOK LIKE’. Which is confronting. Because if women stopped caring what they looked like… entire industries would cease to exist.
Oops.
Be a post-partum tummy role model.
Not like Kate Middleton, who dared to look less and less swollen on the steps of the Lindo Wing, in increasingly shorter time spans, with each heir. Find a middle ground, like Meghan Markle; visible tummy, but still Hollywood AF.
Under no circumstances do you ever ‘let yourself go’.
This means adhering to social standards of what it means to look ‘decent’ at all times; i.e. fully clothed. Unless you’re super sexy like Miranda Kerr, then yes, please bring on all the side-boob photos as you think we can handle.
Unfortunately, by being entirely raw, honest and unfiltered, Amy Schumer has broken precisely all the rules for being a new mum.
And we bloody love it.
Nama Winston has had a decade-long legal career (paid), and a decade-long parenting career (unpaid). Now a Mamamia Contributor and freelance writer, Nama uses her past experience as a lawyer to discuss everything from politics, to parenting. You can follow her on Instagram: @namawinston and Facebook: @NamaWinston
Top Comments
I don’t think it’s fare to day that Kate Middleton looked ‘flat’ on the hospital steps after giving birth. I remember people saying that she looked like she was still pregnant. It was probably the first time that I saw a celebrity looking like they still had the pregnant stomach after giving birth.
Same. She clearly still had a belly each time she gave birth. I am not sure why the author feels the need to snark on the way she looked after having her babies, nor on the (quite wise and strategic) move to give a few minutes to the press before disappearing off to enjoy the new bub in private.
It's not because she was in her underwear and overweight post baby, it's because she was in her underwear outside in public! Give me a fricken break.
Exactly. But didn't you get the memo about it being empowering and feminist to publish selfies of oneself wearing one's underwear in public?
LOL!
As an aside, I wonder if it's actually indecent exposure to be in just your underwear in public?
On one of those Bondi Beach shows a guy was booted out because instead of wearing bathers he was wearing underwear.