‘Most people would get fired for this. I would get fired if I didn’t do it.’

surprised lady with laptop
Story of my life.

 

 

 

By NATALIA HAWK

‘Vaginal prolapse’.

‘Sparkly vulva’.

‘Male chastity belt’.

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‘STI cupcakes’.

‘Fake hymen’.

‘How does anal fisting work’.

In most jobs, you would get fired for Googling any of the above things. I would get fired for FAILING to Google them.

Here at Mamamia, we’ve done articles on every single one of the aforementioned things. If I haven’t been responsible for writing the articles, then it’s been my job to illustrate the articles with visual images.

My Google history is a DISGRACE. And as you can imagine, I guard my computer with my life.

I would sooner feed myself to a tank full of various hungry sea creatures than allow my parents to use the Google search function on my laptop, should they discover any of my past searches.

In their eyes, I’m still their little girl who loves dollhouses and those spinny flying fairy dolls. Not the kind of person who types ‘fisting’ into their search engine.

I also have a number of friends who don’t really understand my job, so they could accidentally stumble across my recent searches and then be all, “Natalia? Is there something you want to tell usAlso, what on EARTH are the benefits of a sparkly vulva?”

Luckily, I have discovered a solution. This week, a Reddit user posted a picture of a medical bracelet that, instead of listing medical conditions or allergies, simply states: “Delete my browser history”.

Well, this seems practical.

Seems nice and straightforward to me. Easier than my original plan, which was trying to convince my best friend to delete my entire history once I die. This from my intriguing article about male chastity belts:

It was a dark and stormy night in the Hawk household. Lightning slashed its way through the sky as I stared at my computer. Paralysed with fear, I picked up my phone and dialed my best friend.

“I need you to promise me something,” was my ominous opening line.

“What is it?!” she exclaimed. The concern in her voice was obvious.

“When I die, will you please take my computer and delete my entire Internet search history before anyone else can get their paws on it?” I begged. “I just don’t want anyone finding out that I’ve been typing ‘male chastity belts’ into my Google search bar. Especially because I’ve been doing an image search.”

And then there was silence while my best friend went off to try and find a new best friend.

With this nifty bracelet, I will no longer have to rely on my friend. Anyone who sees my browser-history-medical-bracelet would be able to help me out. It’s either that or I arrange for my computer to automatically self-destruct if anyone except me touches it. (Could end badly. Hmm.)

What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve Googled?

PS. Speaking of browser history – did you know Facebook saves all the searches that you type into that nifty search toolbar at the top of the site?

Yes. Yes it does.

Here’s how to fix it. Go to your Facebook page and click Activity Log (up the top right hand corner). Hit “More” under “Photos, Likes, Comments”. Then click “Search” to see what it’s logged. You can clear the entire thing – should you need to…

 

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