By NATALIA JASTRZAB
It was a dark and stormy night in the Jastrzab household. Lightning slashed its way through the sky as I stared at my computer. Paralysed with fear, I picked up my phone and dialed my best friend.
“I need you to promise me something,” was my ominous opening line.
“What is it?!” she exclaimed. The concern in her voice was obvious.
“When I die, will you please take my computer and delete my entire Internet search history before anyone else can get their paws on it?” I begged. “I just don’t want anyone finding out that I’ve been typing ‘male chastity belts’ into my Google search bar. Especially because I’ve been doing an image search.”
And then there was silence while my best friend went off to try and find a new best friend.
But forget about her.
Because we need to talk about MALE CHASTITY BELTS.
Firstly – if you are my boyfriend, please stop reading this post now. (I SWEAR THE GOOGLING WAS DONE FOR WORK-RELATED RESEARCH PURPOSES ONLY, HONEY.)
In fact, if you’re a male, you should stop reading this post now. You’ll probably be in sympathy-pain for the rest of your life.
Ladies, you’re not off the hook.
You should also prepare to cover the eyes of your pets. Maybe even the pot plants, just to be safe.
THIS is what a male chastity belt looks like (according to chastitybeltsformen.com) (and no, that URL is not a joke):
And this is the story of exactly how I came to be equally fascinated and horrified by the male chastity belt.
Earlier this week, I stumbled across an article called “Man Claims Wife Forces Him to Wear Steel Chastity Belt While She’s Away”. Seriously – how could you NOT click on that? I clicked so fast that I nearly broke my mouse.
And what I discovered was the story of “someaccounts” (obviously not his real name) who posted about his chastity-belt related dramas on the Reddit Confession page. His account is truly horrifying:
My wife goes on business trips and is very paranoid that if she doesn’t have her eyes on me every second of every day, I’ll f*** anything that moves. I’m a loving husband and a father and I love her… but I don’t know how to deal with her. I don’t want a divorce, I don’t believe in therapy (and if I suggested it, she’d bitch about it and accuse me of trying to divorce her).
We have 2 kids and she says she wants another so she wants me “fertile”.. .that’s her excuse. I do not like this thing… at all. It chafes and I get no satisfaction from it. I’m also paranoid that someone will find out. To top it off, i have to sit and pee… so it get’s really awkward at work if people think I have to take lots of shits all day.
Readers. It is VERY important that you do not go to the Reddit page to see his confession because there is a link to an ACTUAL PICTURE OF HIM WEARING THE CHASTITY BELT.
I, um, saw it, and it’s something that will be burned into my mind’s eye forever.
The image in this post is one thing – a real penis encased in one of those contraptions is another thing entirely.
(If you really can’t cope without seeing the image you can go here but it is not G rated, it is not even rated, it is UNRATEABLE. Please believe me, save yourselves and stay with me on this safe part of the interwebs.)
At first I thought maybe his confession was a joke… but then I thought again. Being a detective and all (why hasn’t CSI Miami been in contact with me yet?) I decided to Google these chastity belts to see if they actually exist.
And they exist. Oh yes they do.
You can buy them online and still have change from $150. BARGAIN. Plus they come in a variety of colours, for the more fashion-concious male-chastity-belt-wearer.
Apparently they’re mostly used for blushworthy kinky sex play stuff but according to chastitybeltsformen.com, the belts also help bring “trust back into the relationship!” in case of infidelity. Oh, and here I was thinking that therapy usually works. Silly me.
Have you tried a chastity belt? Would you? And would you ever consider it as a method for making sure your man keeps it in his pants (or in his steel German-made contraption)?