Em Rusciano wants to know how you deal with grief
Everyone processes grief differently.
I go down the road of initial explosive emotional response, then gradual compartmentalisation until I am in a complete state of denial.
Healthy right?!
Every now and then I open one of the grief doors to check on the pain. I bask in the the breathtaking, smashed-in feeling for just a second, then heave the door shut again. It doesn’t leave much of an imprint, just enough that I feel slightly unsettled for the rest of the day.
Today I am preparing for one of the compartments to bust open of its own volition.
I’m predicting that today, at some point, I will be in the foetal position silent towel crying.
Silent towel crying usually occurs when I have woken up in a panic about something in the middle of the night, realised I am completely overwhelmed by aforementioned something and need to cry like a small baby, but don’t want to trouble any of the people I live with.
I silent towel cry in either the bathroom or laundry (as both rooms have towels available to muffle my sobs.) The bathroom is preferable as the towels in the laundry are usually gross and the smell distracts me from my all consuming melancholy.
I once burst a blood vessel in my eye I was silent towel crying with such commitment!
Today, my grandfather Ted will have been dead a year.
Ouch. Double ouch.
GFT and I were tight.
A quiet moment of reflection for Grand Father Ted and Em on her wedding day…
I was his first grandchild.
He taught me to drive a manual car. It was a green Kingswood wagon with a glittery gear stick and I was about 10 when he first put me behind the wheel.
He let me swear. He told my mother to leave me alone – and, still to this day, he is the only member of my family to ever tell my mother to leave me alone.
So. What the shit do I do with this day?
How do I turn the 19th October into more than just a volcano of emotion, grief, loss and that bullshit hollow feeling I sometimes get when I remember he is dead.
I don’t want to remember the good times. I don’t want to visit his grave. I don’t want to see one single member of my family because when I do it just turns into the “I’m sadder than you” Olympics.
So what?
WHAT?
Seriously.
I have no snappy ending to this one, friends. No words of wisdom or reconciliation just me at my computer ugly-crying.
Any suggestions will be taken under grateful consideration.
I miss you GFT.
Em.
This piece originally appeared on Em Rusciano’s blog and has been republished with full permission.
Em Rusciano is the host of Mamamia Today on the Today Network (which you should be tuning into at 3pm every weekday because it’s ace) and regularly appears on Network Ten’s ’The Project’. You should follow her on Twitter here and take a look at her website here.
How do you deal with the loss of a loved one? Do you have any advice for Em?
Comments
88 Comments so far
I got no advice, but that’s a great pic of you & your Gar (which is what I used to call mine) & I just wanted to empathise & say that I had a similar relationship with my grandfather, who didn’t live long enough to see me married or meet my fantastic kids. So now I try to ensure my kids have the same relationship with both their grandparents (my parents) since it was such an important part of my upbringing.
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I lost my grandmother 2 years ago to brain cancer. She raised me like a parent, so it was devastating and I don’t quite know how I would get through.
But I did.
Writing helps. I still find it cathartic to go back and read my old blog posts from that time. I wrote through the whole thing. I still do, and I write a letter to her every so often.
Share it. Acknowledge the pain and the loss. Allow yourself to FEEL. Write.
And time. Just time.
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I’d don’t know if it is a comfort or not to know that there are so many people out there grieving something painful. I don’t know the answer either. From those in Syria fighting for survival and losing their loved ones, to those whose children die from starvation as they migrate to somewhere – anywhere – that has food. To Jill Meagher’s relations who discovered the details of her rape and murder. And to every single one of us who has lost someone dear.
They say you need to throw yourself into caring for others – to get out of ‘yourself’ and make a difference. It is such a challenge because our society has been opposed to this for so long. We’re basically self concerned. It about ‘my survival’ or ‘my profit’. So we isolate ourselves and push others away and when we have to grieve, it is lonely.
I think we all need a wake-up call to become mutually concerned for one another. If only we could suddenly wake up tomorrow and feel even a fraction of what another person is feeling within, we would certainly treat each other with more care and love. And we would feel less lonely and isolated knowing others could feel us and wanted to help us.
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Em, I missed the 19th but I hope you read this, if it helps. The biggest loss I have ever experienced will be seven years ago on the 19th of next month. Nothing makes it better but the grief is less sharp with time.
Anyway, one thing that I did amidst the sharp grief was a project where I found every photo (yes hundreds, good/bad/ugly) of my loved one, printed them out and made an old-fashioned photo album with all the photos in chronological order telling a story of my memories. It brings me comfort that I won’t forget those moments and only have to go to the album for a big dose of my loved one x
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Hi Em, there is no right way or wrong way to deal with grief, we all handle it differently. Talking with your family and friends does truly help, doesn’t change the fact you have lost that special person in your life, however reflection is a wonderful time, looking at photos and videos too. Thinking back to all the fun times you shared and thinking how lucky you were to have your grandfather in your life. Some people never get the opportunity and you have been really lucky. Continue to live by all the good values he held strong to his heart and he will live on through you. Most importantly it is ok to cry, laugh, yell or scream about your loss. Counselling is also very very good. Be that girl that your grandfather would want you to be!!!!! Hope this helps Em.
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20 years old my nonno died, 5 ago my best friend and his mum died (him and aneurysm 3 days after we scattered her ashes, her suicide), 4 years ago my nonna anyway the list gets bigger every year and the pain from the first never ever goes. I have a shot of Jameson once a year for my friend and I talk to my nonno all the time. I just try to make sure no one is around and then I cry my heart out, sometimes I write them letters in my journal. I will always miss them all. I own my grief and acknowledge that it is a part of who I am now.
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This year it will be 4 years without Dad and in that time I met my husband, got pregnant, lost our baby, got married and am about to give birth. SO much that I want him to be here for. There are days that I miss him so much my heart hurts. The only thing that helps ease my pain is that my husband has so many of Dad’s traits, I think I had help when I met him (thanks Dad) and I know that Dad is looking after our little baby.
The next couple of weeks are very emotional for me as we lost our first baby on the 8th November and this little rainbow baby growing strong inside is due on the 12th November. SO grief and joy will combine this year and every year.
After all my rambles I guess what I want to say is that grief is a personal thing, what helps one will not help another. I believe that if you need to yell, then yell, if you need to scream then scream, or cry or laugh. There is no wrong way to grieve for a person
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Best of luck with working through this Em.
I’m interested in people’s thoughts on showing grief in front of children. Several commenters mentioned sobbing into towels etc so the children wouldn’t hear them. My children are small and I haven’t lost anyone so we haven’t had to deal with this. But I’m thinking that we shouldn’t hide emotions from children. They need to see/learn in a safe place that emotions are part of life, that they happen to everyone, that they’re full on but we come though the other side, that it’s normal and good to feel what we feel – rather than hiding from it and repressing it.
What do others think? Has anyone let their grief show in front of their kids, and what impact do you think it had?
Thanks for your thoughts.
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Hi Chellebelle, just a bit of a story re emotion in front of kids. When my mum passed away I had just left the hospital and arrived home 15 mins later and the phone ringing. She had just died after I left her. My son, two and a half at the time, was standing beside me as I bawled my eyes out. He said, and I quote “Mummy are you alright, are you okay, do you want a bandaid?”. My husband said a bandaid won’t fix this mate. Still tear up when I think of it.
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Aww, how gorgeous. No doubt it made you cry harder!
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I read this post and every response with so much interest (and tears) as I am about to suffer the loss of my mother and I have no idea what to do. I think I was hoping for some advice on how to survive it but the overall feeling is that you just need to keep going and work through one day at a time. All I keep trying to think is that many people I know have lost loved ones and have gone on to have so much happiness in their lives, even though they never stop missing the people that they have lost. My mother would be devastated if she thought that I would never get over her death and so I am trying really hard to prepare myself for it, but I am going to allow myself to grieve and I will make good use of that shower!
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Huge hugs… what a difficult time. But of course, you’ll see your way tearfully through it X
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Grief is not a mountain that you climb and conquer, and then you’re “over it”. Over time you just learn to get comfortable with your discomfort.
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Cherish the memories you had with him. Think about the times you shared together and if you have to cry let yourself do so… nothing wrong in it.
I never had the chance to meet either of my grandfather’s. Mum’s dad passed away when she was 5 and dad’s dad when he was 12. I’ve only ever seen one picture of mum’s dad which she keeps framed in the house and dad has only one picture of his…. I don’t know where that is. I’ve gone through life not knowing much about either of these two people, my parents, especially mum was too young to remember much.
I wonder if I would be a different person if I had them in my life. What would they have taught me? I’ve lost all my grandparents and now my husband is faced with the possibility of losing his grandma and my heart breaks for him but at the same time I’m glad he’s had this time with her.
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I purposely planned a trip overseas just before my grandfather’s first birthday without him here. Why? Because I don’t want to see ANYONE. I’m doing the whole silent crying, avoiding thing too.. I think there are different stages at different times for everyone.
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My husband was diagnosed with cancer two months after our wedding and died two years later. I know a lot about grief. I’ve looked it in the eye and gone toe to toe and let it ravage me. When I was in the depths of it after he died I asked my dad – who I adore, and who was the only person with the guts to be brutally honest with me – how long it would take for me to stop feeling like this. He said to me “do you really want to know?” to which I said I did. “Ten years. It will take you ten years to grieve this.” I howled with the concept that the pain would last that long. I hoped he was wrong but he wasn’t. It’s ten years this December and the ache in my chest only began to heal when I remarried and when my babies were born a few years ago. The answer isn’t to write journals or travel or any of those quick fix solutions. I know, I’ve tried that. It’s just time. And lots of it. And tears and sadness, but eventually smiles and comfort from the love you shared. Trite but true. It’s a solitary journey through grief but it will give you more gifts than you can realize yet. Hang in there Em. And learn to make friends with time.
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Just to add to my other comment below those year was also the 10th anniversary of my “poppy’s” death. I never went to his funeral cuz I was trying to run from my grief and to this day I regret it so mix I have guilt and grief fixed in together. I just loved him so much and I want him back so badly. I am crying atm just typing this. Thinking of u all who are in the depths of grief atm.
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Remember his bright personality and sunny disposition – something one needs to inherit
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Oh Em. I still well up when I talk to my children about my grandfather. I too was his first grandchild. He died 44 years ago!!! It’s a tribute, I think, to someone that is so special to us that we are emotional when we think of them. Even so very many years later.
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“Grieve as fiercely as we love” Anneae01 that is so perfect. Em – am thinking of you and sending you lots of strength. When I grieve my brother – and sob into a pillow in the middle of the night – I think we are honoring their existence.
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Hi Em,’grief comes in different waves as times goes by ..l lost my mum 10yrs ago,still think of her everyday and still mark her birthday on my calendar with a love heart every year..Memories are healthy and l don’t think grieving ever stops it just get manageable to a degree…You can have your special private movements of memories ,and no one can take that away from you ,,,,
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It will be 10 years next march since I lost my grandfather and the only thing I can say is that you will never get over it, you just have to get on with it. That’s what the stubborn old bugger would say anyway…
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I. Hear. Every. Word. You. Say. My heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad almost four years ago and I still suffer from the same overwhelming, gut-wrenching grief that you describe. But I made a decision (I don’t know when or how to be honest), to ignore the anniversary of his death. Before he died, there were 70 years worth of days that he lived, days truly worth remembering and celebrating. 33 years worth of days that he made me laugh and feel like the most precious, understood, protected and loved little girl in the world. The grief doesn’t disappear, ever, but I often find some comfort in focussing on all the days he lived, instead of the one day that he died.
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This brought tears to my eyes. I lost my Grandma when I was 9 and I have never, ever recovered. I know how you feel, and it’s bloody awful. My Grandma was my best friend in the entire universe. She lived next door to us, so she basically raised us. She was my safe place. She taught me so much, and I wish she was here every damn day.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any words of wisdom. Just know that it gets easier in time and that crying helps. A lot. And don’t feel like you have some sort of period of time in which to grieve – it is a process that never really finishes, you just learn to deal with it. Try and find something positive in every day and remember all the good times you shared with your grandfather. x
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I’m so sorry, big hugs for you. Grief is so hard.
What I’ve learned is that we put too much on ourselves to expect the passage of grief to be linear. It’s not, it’s cyclical. It comes around and around in ever decreasing circles…often picking up debris and pain (anniversaries, significant moments etc), but every time it comes around again it hits in a different way. Sometimes worse, sometimes less, but pain nonetheless. It means he was special and you miss him and now life goes on in a different way. Breathe and embrace it, it will heal you.
Your post is a beautiful way to honour him. Wishing you peace.
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holy shit that is grief counseling GOLD
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Grief is different for us all Em denial doesn’t work neither does just trying to bury the pain because it usually rises to the surface when you least expect it, having lost both my brother and father, over the years I found it just as easy to let the emotion whatever comes wash over you, don’t fight it go with it the pain never goes away completely but with each passing year it gets a little easier to process.
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I’ve found crying in the shower to be extremely cathartic in these sorts of situations. Go your hardest girlfriend. I’ll raise a glass to you and your GFT tonight x x
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Dear Em,
Wishing you grace and strength and a whole lotta hugs to get you through this day.
I lost my mother 7 years ago in a violent homicide and part of what helps me and my family cope with the anniversary every year is 1) I schedule time for my grief (sounds crazy but it’s crazy enough to work!) so that if I get overwhelmed during my day, I can say to myself, “Remember, at 7pm you get to have a shower and a big sob!…”
And 2) I do a good deed and send out a Facebook post inviting my friends and family to do the same. To help send a ripple effect of kindness out into the world to help transform the day from one of sadness to one of positivity. To process my grief by transforming it! It means when I am feeling sorrowful, I get lifted up by all of the wonderful acts of kindness and happy stories from my friends from around he globe…. And I know my mum would love that!
Lastly, to paraphrase Maya Angelou, it is healthy and honourable to grieve at the loss of someone we love. So Em, at the end of the day you do whatever you need to do! *hugs your way*
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Love you Em. I lost my mum in March. Am still numb. Though a couple of weeks back when flying home from overseas I realised – again – that she wasn’t going to be here when I got home. My face contorted and I started sobbing very quietly in the back of the taxi to the airport… Me and the hubby and the kids had a group hug on the pavement with our suitcases… And then I was numb again. It’s like a really bad joke. I’m like, “Ok. Enough. Come back now Mum. We’ve had enough.” The other day my day my dad and I were talking about how we’d like her come back maybe just for a day. He was like, “Actually just for an hour would be great…” We sadly just hung our heads. It never ends grief. You just learn to live with it. At least that’s what I’m thinking right now. As I said, love ya Em!
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This resonated with me so much – I used to silent cry in the shower – where the kids couldn’t hear me howl at the loss of my dad.. Three and a half years on I find myself crying in the veggie patch. My son (8 weeks old when my dad died) says to me “your dad, he is dead… His magic has gone up to the moon and makes it shine” (his own little twist on his older sisters explanation that my dad is a star). I can’t believe they will never know each other…. Breath, cry, grieve in your own way. And btw, you can tell your mother to leave you alone! It’s allowed!
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What your son said to you is just gorgeous.
Sending you much love.
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Acknowledge the pain…..Cry… Recommit to be that important to the people you love. What more can you do. Death is the reason for living life well.
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So sad for you Em…. On Monday it will be 6 years since my Dad died – October 22, 2006, exactly one week before my wedding. I wasn’t able to fly back for his funeral and never got to say goodbye – I called to speak to him in the hospital and he had died 30 minutes before…. I don’t really have any advice for you, but what I can offer is my thanks for your writing – it feels like you’re actually talking to me when I read your words. I feel myself nodding, shaking my head and pissing my pants at your views and experiences. I’m sure your Grandad was/is super proud of you and everything you bring to people like me. You’re a champ xxx
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Wow, you were so lucky to have had a grown-up, close relationship with your grandfather! I grew up 7500km away from my maternal grandparents (I’ve only been able to visit them 3 times in my life before they sadly passed away), my paternal grandfather died in 1975 and my grandma died when I was 12. Please remember your grandfather with joy, Em
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You do something he would have liked …go and put a bet on and have a beer at the local ….you might be too far away for his local but choose one that he would have liked and toast to a life well lived…I think my local is your gft’s local!
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I lost my pop when I was 13 and it devastated me. It has ever since. We were close, and he was my safe place to land. To this day I still miss his presence in my life and think of him daily. I think it’s even harder when it’s a grand parent because we feel like we don’t have as much right to be sad- after all, it’s not like its a parent. But it’s such a special relationship, and it still hurts. So much. Thinking of you em.
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I’m so sorry Em. It sounds like your GFT was awesome! Honestly, I expect you know this in your heart already – there is nothing that can be said or you can do that will make you feel better. I’m even reluctant to tell you that time will make it easier, because in fact you are never not sad and gutted from losing a special loved one, it just becomes less raw – that’s all. But you do survive and how you do that is your choice. Don’t ever feel guilty about the silent towel crying ~ it’s obviously part of your method of dealing with this. Mine was sitting in the wardrobe sobbing into my husbands clothes howling and hoping the kids wouldn’t hear me . . . I survived (only just, I think sometimes) but you’ve written about your GFT in such a touching way, I just hope the beautiful memories start to make you smile a little instead of a fresh stab to the heart. Take care Em x
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You can’t process grief. It just happens. Lost my big sister 7 years ago and sometimes when you least expect it, the panic, the fear, the sadness strikes back and takes your breath away again. My choice of a crying place- the shower. After she died suddenly, I was trying to cope with her husband’s, her sons’ , my parents and my own grief, and each night I would sob in the shower and talk to her through the ceiling fan….
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I didn’t think I could ever seal with Mum dying, but I did, mostly because I had to… which isn’t much of a choice for anyone.
I thought I’d cry a lot, but I didn’t… I didn’t really feel anything, and that bothered me.
It was as though there was a mountain right in front of me and all I could see were a few square meters of it, it was a huge thing which my mind couldn’t deal with.
I have a lot of grief, Cancer knocked off my parents, My sister, my dogs, a cat, and got to me too… though I lived, and sometimes I wonder if that was fair or not, and even if I wanted to.
I’m tired of missing people, I love them, but I’m tired of going on without them… but I do, I just do.
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Em, there is no ‘processing’ of grief. GFT was with you your WHOLE life and that is a huge loss to you. What I do know, into my third year since my mother died, is that the grief, while not going away, does become easier to deal with. Instead of thinking of her with sorrow all the time I now laugh with family and others who knew her.
Best advice – don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling this intense grief. It is ‘normal’ if that is the right word. And allowing yourself to feel it will mean it will get easier over time.
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Your grandad sounds like a champ. I never met mine as he died before I was born – but my whole life I’ve had this feeling that had we known each other we would’ve been extremely close. For me, grief and love go hand in hand as nothing lasts forever. How wonderful that we are able to experience the kinds of relationships that have such a profound impact on us. Therefore it seems natural that we would grieve as fiercely as we love – and feel free to do so.
I cant sign off without saying your wedding dress is exquisite. What a beautiful photo of you both.
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I think it’s beautiful that we experience relationships in our life that have such an impact on us. Grief and love go hand in hand as nothing lasts forever. So to me it makes sense that we would grieve as fiercely as we love. You’re grandad sounds like a champ. I never met mine as he died before I was born -but my whole life I’ve just had this feeling that if we had known eachother we would have been extremely close.
I have no advice really, other than to embrace you’re sadness today but end the day with a smile over you’re happy memories of him.
And i cant sign off without saying that your wedding dress is just exquisite. What a beautiful photo.
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Hi Em, to me you are doing really well, 1. You are sharing your grief (whether talking or writing about how you feel, it always acts as a release valve) 2. Your GFT has only been dead a very short time, and you are dealing with the first Anniversary of his death, that in itself is a momentous time; 3. You are being honest in how you are feeling (not trying to push it aside because of also feeling guilty of having such thoughts) and in doing that you are acknowledging that you have just as much right to feel and be the way you need to on this specific day. So open a bottle of Champers (get sloshed if you want to) and cheer your Grandfather!! P.S. no more silent towel crying though, if you live near a beach go down there and scream out to the ocean, I have often felt much better after this…whichever way you choose, you can guarantee it will be the right way for you…
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Em, first off, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no timeline to say you should be doing this at this time and doing this at that time. Almost a year after my mother died, I had a dream about her and woke up thinking that I haven’t seen her in a while and I should go and visit her today. Ten minutes later I remembered that I couldn’t and I burst into tears. The next day I told my boss and he laughed, thinking I was joking. I think that hurt just as badly because he didn’t understand.
Em, it can take you years to get to a place you consider ‘relatively normal’ but if you don’t get there, than that is okay too. If you cry every day, then cry every day.
If you are after something that may help ease the pain, the only thing I can offer is that you sit down, close your eyes, picture your grandfather Ted in front of you, talk to him and verbally forgive him for leaving you. (I know that sounds silly but part of you might need to search to see if you are a little bit angry at him for leaving you) If you want to do it every hour or every day, then do it. Just don’t let anyone – yourself included – make you feel that there is something wrong with you for still grieving.
I still miss my mum and I would dearly love to spend time with her. Its been four and a half years now since mum died and I still think of her all the time. Its only on TV where a major character loses a loved on and the next episode they are back to the way they were before. Its TV, its not real.
Now, after all that, let me give you a cyber hug and tell you that it is okay to cry. You are human and its okay to grieve and cry, so go ahead.
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I’ve been recently re-acquainted with loss. I don’t think that I coped astoundingly well with the first, really raw part of the process.
I too cried stealthily, but in the shower. I talked to absolutely no-one about the depth of my feelings about it. That was a really bad move with hindsight. I started some really awkward and stunted conversations with friends about it, but aborted them when I could see how uncomfortable they quickly became. I’ll never tell my friends this, but I was deeply disappointed in their complete lack of ability to cope with such a conversation and obvious desire to avoid it.
I avoided exercise. Bad move. I drank a little too much. Compounded things.
What pulled me out it?
Probably the small kindnesses of the few people that did know something about it.
I distracted myself with my children, even going as far as wagging and taking them out of daycare.
Music.
I distracted myself with big ideas that held my attention.
I finally let my wife know the extent of my feelings (after she asked what was up my arse as I’d been grumpy for some time) and she began to work some magic on me.
At last I spoke to my uncle, who had also been effected by this loss and we both dropped our emotional armour and talked at length about how we’d been feeling. That really lanced the boil.
I’m not quite back to normal, but I’m much more functional and no longer dread having to drag my sorry arse through another day.
I’m male, so your experience may be a little different to mine, but give your husband or somebody a window in to your grief and see what light that they can shine in. Solo sobs aren’t great.
On a lighter note, did you pick those leggings to make your legs look like heaven?
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Feel the need to clarify the big idea line. Other’s ideas. Not mine. My ideas only come in regular and medium.
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That pic is just breathtaking. Divine.
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Em, I feel like u r my best friend cuz u just seem to read my mind. My precious grandma died a few months ago and yesterday would have been her bday. I still get tear y just thinking of her and sometimes I cry and I would give anything to c her again. But u just have to let the feelings of loss and grief in then out. kind of like breathing in and out
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You actually sound like you are coping well. I think that to be able to talk about and be honest with yourself about how you are feeling is the most important part of grieving. You’re doing pretty great at that.
I lost my brother 2 months ago. I thought I was okay but I have recently realised I was just numb because now I am not coping very well at all. I have an 8 month old son so I feel as if I both don’t have the time to grieve and am not allowed to. I can’t just go lie in bed all day as I have to take care of him, and he’s going through a very anxious stage. I don’t have any emotional support, anyone to talk to or cry to. Both of my parents have basically decided NOT to grieve (they are mental) which means they don’t tolerate my grief or recognise my need for help. My doctor thinks anti-depressants are the solution to everything and my psychologist is full of practical solutions that don’t work for my lifestyle, and if i don’t follow her ideas then she can’t/ won’t help me. Not one friend showed up at the funeral to support me, nor has anyone offered me any help. My partner gets really mad and upset when I’m sad because he feels bad that he can’t help me.
I feel as if I am too hurt to ask for help, and I don’t have anyone to ask anyway. I feel envious that at least you can tell other people how you are feeling! (I realise I kind of just did but whatever…)
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Hi cherrybomb,
I really feel for you that in this time of need you don’t feel as though you can turn to anyone, or that anyone is there to give you the emotional support you need.
I would encourage you to have a really open discussion with your psychologist and tell her what you need from her – i.e. not the practical advice, just the emotional support. If she doesn’t respond well to that request, see if there is another psychologist available you can turn to. It’s not worth paying (assuming you are paying) the amount of money you do to see a psychologist if you’re not getting what you need from them.
As for your partner – again I would recommend being honest with him and telling him what you need from him when you’re upset. Be it a simple hug, time alone, looking after your son so you can get out of the house – whatever it is, let him know so he feels as though he is helping. And so he stops getting upset/angry, because that’s not good for you! Sometimes we expect our partners to know what to do – but they really don’t, so they need a bit of guidance.
My other advice is whenever possible, please take some time out for yourself. I know you mentioned it was difficult to do, but even if it’s asking your parents to look after your son for an hour, or asking your partner to look after your son while you have some time by yourself. It is so important to actually have time to grieve and most people miss out on this because life goes on and you don’t have time to stop. So please, please, please scrounge an hour here or there where you can to be alone with your thoughts. Plus if people are not simply offering their help – you will need to ask. We often assume that our friends should know we need them during these times, but people generally don’t know what to do to help, so in their indecision end up doing nothing.
Best of luck xo
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Beautifully said. Cherrybomb, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you get the support you need and deserve. It sounds to me like your parents are still in the denial stage, and haven’t yet reached acceptance of your brother’s death. It’s incredibly hard because everyone grieves differently and has different expectations of how people should react. I echo J’s comment that your psychologist should provide you with an opportunity to deal with your grief your way, and to let them know if you’re not getting what you need. Failing that, an alternative psych may have a better approach.
Sending you much love and virtual hugs.
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Cherrybomb, are you in Sydney? I’d love to give you a hug. And to listen. Grief formed a huge part of my life and it took a long time to let it go, so I will always appreciate how hard it is.
If you’d like to get in touch, email me. gossamerdragonfly AT gmail DOT com
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I’m sad cos I can’t relate to this at all.. I envy these close relationships you all had with older relatives, unfortunately mine didn’t want that bond with me. I couldn’t tell you the date they passed or how many years it has been. I think you need to remember always your special moments with them and do something to honour them when you’re feeling sad. Give yourself a set time to feel sad/cry/hide, then get on with it, make the day about all the good things they represent in your life. It’s okay to cry, it shows they were loved. Cherish those relationships even if they are lost, not everyone is so lucky to have them xo
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There are no magic words or cures that will make you feel better …….go out with your friends, laugh a little, dance a little and be joyous….truth be known he would be a lot happier knowing you are ‘happy’…..My gorgeous father in law’s choice of music for his funeral(when he passes) is “always look on the bright side of life”…..I picture the whole congregation, although very sad, singing along, with big smiles
xx
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We played this at the end of the slideshow at my dad’s funeral – it’s a good choice
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When each of my parents died, I gradually pulled away my fiends. I stopped talking to my friends, stayed in the house more and then got shitty because I expected everyone to acknowledge my pain without me actually having said something.
Being an expat, that’s a pretty stupid thing to do, because your friends are your family. Being in grief, it’s also a pretty stupid thing to do because if you don’t tell anyone that you’re having a shit day, then no-one will have a cup of tea with you and buy you a chocolate, will they?
My Mum was a big tea drinker. So I like to boil the kettle, get out the teapot and do the full tea making ritual. I then sit down with a good scone or a bit of cake and a book and say cheers to my mum.
Do something that you liked to do with your grandfather. Use one of his sayings, his swear words, go and test drive a new Kingswood.
Celebrate the times you had with him and let yourself be sad. It’s okay.
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Dear Em,
My papa was my favourite person in the world, the whole world. He taught me to love words, and so every time I write something with my heart I quietly dedicate it to him. Maybe dedicate today – and little moments of your own any day – to him. It’s simple, but it makes me feel like I’m still connected.
Kate xx
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For you Em. It makes me think of my Pop everytime.
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Em, continue being the awesome self that you are, the person that he loved that made him proud.
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