What do you say to someone who is grieving?
By Dr. GLORIA HORSLEY
Earlier this week on Mamamia we published a post from Rachel, a shattered mother who had lost her 18 month old son in an accident just a few weeks ago.
Many readers expressed their anguish and frustration at not knowing how to offer even some small comfort and it sparked a discussion among us about what to say to someone who is grieving.
This post is by family therapist and bereavement specialist Dr Gloria Horsley whose own son died aged 17.
She writes….
Recently, I was scheduled to be a guest on an early morning radio broadcast from Bakersfield, California.
I am a family therapist, bereaved parent and president of Open To Hope, the bereavement organisation with a mission of “Helping People Find Hope After Loss”.
Grief and recovery are topics the media avoids and I am happy when a radio program is willing to talk about the subject.
Theresa, the woman who called me to book the show, suggested the topic: “What to say and what not to say to people who have had a loss.”
My spot is prerecorded and three minutes long. Not much time to discuss such an important subject.
I woke up early, went downstairs, sat at my desk and jotted down some thoughts on what seems like a lifetime away.
I revisited my 17 year-old son’s death, and pondered what people said or did that was helpful and not so helpful.
I recalled silly statements like, “You now have an angel in Heaven” or blaming statements like, “Were they wearing safety belts?” or “Had they been drinking?” Yes, to the safety belts and no to the drinking.
One lady came to the wake and informed me with a twinkle in her eye that, “Scott appeared to me last night and said he was fine”. I thought the statement was strange as I was sure that if he appeared to anyone it would be me.
The phone rang at 6:20 a.m. I snapped up the receiver so I wouldn’t wake the rest of the family. It was Jeff from News Talk Radio — nice voice and nice man.
We exchanged pleasantries. “Sorry,” says Jeff. “Wish we had more time; this is an important topic”. Click…we start to record.
Jeff starts, “Dr. Horsley isn’t it true that people grieve differently?” I say, “Yes, that is true but there is also some commonality in that grieving comes in waves and is very stressful.”
Dr Gloria Horsely on what to say to a grieving person
Jeff quickly moves on, “So, Dr. Horsley what are the things that people say that are helpful and not helpful after a loss?”
Jeff then quickly mentions the fact that his sister died from a brain tumor. I wanted to tell him how sorry I am about his loss, but no time. We must stay on topic. I thank God for blogging and the Internet.
So Jeff, in this blog I want to tell you and all of you who have suffered a loss how sorry I am about your loss and congratulate you for the good you are doing through your willingness to address this topic so early in the morning.
For those who are taking the time to read this blog, these are some of the things that Heidi and I found not helpful and some that we found helpful after the death of our son/brother, Scott and his cousin Matthew.
What NOT to say to a grieving person:
1. “You will never get over it” – This comment really drove me crazy as it always felt so condescending and minimizing, and how do you respond? I didn’t want to get over my son’s and his cousin’s death, yet I wanted to move on be strong again and hopeful. But I did want to get over the hurt. I now realize that true I have “never gotten over it” but with time and work I have transcend the pain and suffering and have again found joy.
2. “They are the first things you will think of every morning” – This was a comment made by my husband’s secretary at Scott’s funeral. True, Scott being killed in an automobile accident was the first thing I thought of every morning for a while. And then, as time went on, I noticed that I started giving equal thought to my three living daughters and now my ten grandchildren.
3. “It wasn’t meant to be” – This is very fatalistic. How does anyone know what was meant to be. Someday when we join our loved ones we will know all the answers or not.
4. “You’re young…you can marry again” – I know that this comment drives widowers crazy. That special person will always be a part of your life.
5. “You can have another child” – Again, people are not replaceable. Our loved ones are unique and fill a special place in our lives.
6. “Maybe God is trying to teach you something” – Now this must be a really crazy God if he/she wants us to suffer. I just can’t buy this kind of a God.
7. “You must move on” – Who says? It is your life and people move and change when they are ready. As a therapist I always try to remember, “don’t want more for people than they want for themselves.”
8. “They had a good life” – My sorrow is not about their “good life”…it is how I will construct a life without them.
9. “Be thankful you have other children” – As if I wasn’t thankful for my living children. Our special children can never be replaced but that doesn’t stop us from having a unique and special place in our hearts for each and every child that comes into our lives.
10. “Be strong for your parents” – This comment really bothered Scott’s sisters, Heidi, Rebecca and Heather, because they felt that it discounted their loss.
So how can you provide some comfort to someone going through hell? Here are some helpful things to say or do for a grieving person:
1. Show up. – I use to send a card and now I send myself. My friend Sally showed up at our house before our first dinner alone, brought a book, and just read while we ate. It was very comforting.
2. Do a kindness. – Friends mowed my lawn and took the kids to movies.
3. Answer the telephone and take notes. – We had dozens of casseroles, walls of flowers, and random gifts and without careful notes taken by friends we would have had no idea of what to do with the empty dishes or who to thank.
4. Be willing to sit down and listen. – This is important, as people often get anxious when confronted with grief and have difficulty being silent when those in grief talk. I needed to tell my story over and over in order for the enormity of my loss to become a reality.
5. Ask how they are really feeling. – Don’t ask this question unless you are willing to take some time to listen. You feel dropped when people ask you to dig deep and then look at their watch.
6. Don’t try to be profound. – This advice was given to me by a very insightful priest. Just showing up and sitting with grievers is profound.
7. Be patient learning to live again takes time. – Friends and family don’t like to see you suffer and they really do want you to get on with life. They want you to be the person you were prior to the loss. They don’t want to hear the reality that you will never be the same but will have to find a “new normal”.
This post was originally published here and has been republished with full permission.
Dr. Gloria Horsley MFC CNS Ph.D. is the Founder and President of the Open to Hope Foundation the world’s largest multi media web based resource for the bereaved. Gloria is an internationally known grief expert, psychotherapist, and bereaved parent.
Comments
103 Comments so far
I remember when my grandmother died after a long battle with three different cancers, people said the most unhelpful things like ‘She’s at peace now’ or ‘at least she isn’t in pain anymore’. Yes I already know and am thankful for that, but it doesn’t help me in the slightest. What really struck a nerve with me was that my aunt and uncle made up an excuse so they didn’t have to go to the funeral, and when we had Christmas lunch a few days after it, they completely avoided eye contact and acted like everything was normal, and that we should just ‘get over it’. All the time that grandma had cancer, they never once asked how she was, and at family functions would avoid her like the plague. Needless to say, my (and my parents) relationship with them is not good.
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A few things that I will never forget after my Mum died a few years a goo:
1) A couple of days after Mum’s death, I was furiously creating a photo slideshow for her funeral service. I’d had no sleep for 5 days and had also just lost a baby at 10 weeks and had had a D&C a few hours after Mum actually died. I was not in a good way. As I was working away on the slideshow, my Mother-in-law called to speak to me, as we hadn’t yet spoken following the death of my Mum. We said “Hello” and then the first thing she said to me was: “What are you doing?”..!!! Well, WTF do you think I’m doing?!?? My mother just died, I lost a baby and now I am sitting here creating a slideshow while wiping away oceans of tears! There was no, “I’m sorry for your loss” or any platitudes like that. Then, she added “we want to come and pay our respects”. She expected me to drop everything and make coffees for them because THEY wanted to “pay their respects”!!! Well, how about showing me and my Mum some respect and actually acknowledging her death?? My wonderful husband spoke to her afterwards and dealt with her.
2) Then, two weeks after Mum had died, I was a bit lack lustre at a family event and my sister-in-law said “Well, if you’re still like this in 12 months time there’s going to be a problem!”. Nice.
3) I also remember being very disappointed with my close friends for not coming to Mum’s funeral. It really hurt.
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I lost my sister in a car accident when I was 14 and she was 21. I will never forget the things that made a difference to me. This article is spot on with what I remembered. But just a few others:
1. Take a care basket – milk, tea, coffee, tissues, toilet paper, bread. There are often lots of visitors and you run out of the basics fast.
2. Just be in the house – not neccissarily talking but lots of hugs
3. Give kids time to express what they need. For me, I’ll never forget my dad’s best friend handing over his mobile and saying I could call anyone i want for as long as i want as the house phone was going insane.
4. Also for kids – I saw 4 movies in 5 days to escape while i processed things. It was shock, but helped when home was so suffocating.
5. Don’t ask if you see where you can help when it comes to dishes, lifts, bathtime. Just do it and if family members feel strongly about doing something then just be by their side.
6. Write a letter. I have one from a family friend who wrote to me about how she had lost a sister and her memories of my sister. I still have it, 12 years on.
7. Don’t just be there in the first week. Check in with a person a month later, on the first birthday, on the 1 year aniversary. Because that is when you can feel the most alone.
And finally – don’t be afraid to mention the person later on. To share memories keeps them around in a lovely way.
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I’d love some ideas from everyone. A dear friend has miscarried at around 18 weeks. She lives 4 hours away, out of mobile phone reception (aside from that iphone-to-iphone messaging), so it’s been very difficult to get a hold of her.
I’d love to drop everything and drive to see her but work is keeping me here. I selfishly feel frustrated that I haven’t been able to reach her other than sms to tell her I’m thinking of her.
But when she is ready to call me back, what do I say? Sorry for your loss? How are you feeling? Or do I say nothing, and let silence or whatever she wants to say?
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Tell her you are very sorry for her loss, that you are there for her to talk to and to support her in any way you can. Acknowledge her loss, she might cry but she will be grateful you did. Don’t forget about the baby. She might still want to talk about it for years down the track. Remember anniversaries. The baby’s due date will be a very hard day for her. Let her know you remember and you care! Google some websites on pregnancy loss for more tips. I have two close friends who’ve been through stillbirth. Good luck. I’m sorry for your friend
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One thing that strikes me is that it seems like people who make insensitive comments aren’t often pulled up on it.
I found out that I wasn’t supposed to say to grieving mothers that they were brave or strong through a Facebook post. My comment obviously struck a nerve but nothing was said about it at the time. Now I worry that I’m saying the wrong thing to grieving people all the time, and it really makes me avoid just talking about the whole thing.
I know that this isn’t all about me, but I’d be a lot more comfortable being around people grieving if I wasn’t constantly worried that a well-intentioned comment was going to be taken the wrong way and complained about behind my back. I’d be happy for people to pipe up straight away if I said the wrong thing!
For the record, yes, I have had some experience of grief after losing my Dad and having a miscarriage. I wasn’t offended by anything that was said to me with good intentions … perhaps I was lucky to come across people who just knew what to say, or maybe I am just not easily offended.
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My Husband’s aunt passed away a few weeks ago after a very long battle with illness, and I noticed that almost everyone who spoke to her Husband and sons said something along the lines of “at least she’s not suffering anymore” or “she’s finally at peace”. They have all since said that those sorts of comments made them very uncomfortable. I must admit, I always struggle with what to say, despite the fact that I have suffered loss myself.
When we were entering the church I noticed that my husband’s Uncle started to look like the emotion of the day was hitting him all at once, so rather than try to say anything, I just discretely took his hand. He clung to mine so tightly for several minutes until we took our seats in the church, and then he gave me a lovely grateful smile. Afterwards at the wake he gave me a huge hug and said that was just what he needed at that moment.
I’ve also made a point of dropping by each week to take him some home baked biscuits/slices/cakes, whatever I’ve made that week. He and his wife always loved their morning and afternoon tea, so not only does it give me an excuse to drop in for a chat, but I know that he has something to offer any guests that call in.
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When my husband died, what really helped was people asking
“What do you need”…
“Here are some DVDs for the kids to watch”
” holy hell, all that food ..I have freezer space and will store it for you”
Not said but done…
Spreading a mountain of bark chips, ordered by my hubby the day before he died
My washing basket disappearing and reappearing all sorted by magic.
Turning up on Xmas eve with a bottle of wine and NOT saying that its because its your first Xmas alone
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most scariest comments i had after losing my son at 9 months, that horrified me were such ; you have your other children to think about, dont cry this much look at them they are seeing you, thank god you have 3 more healthy children, be thankful the god your baby was special to go heaven this early so he doesnt have to endure worldly tests, one comment was cruellist ever was, you were so sad about such as such so god wasnt happy about that he took your child as a punishment. from all i read here i reckon i was the one who got treated this bad.. there were people i saw many times they avoided me at shoppings or at some venues.. at the end i did not care anymore i had a beautiful baby and he was gone that mattered me most, comments about reminding me that i do have other kids is still tormenting me because that time i was silently answering them yes i do have them but for how long and who might me next
i just pray for the people who has senses and maturity to have around at those saddest times in our life. thanks for the article.
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I’m so sorry
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I’m so sorry you lost your baby boy.
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I’m sorry you lost your baby boy! And please don’t listen to those who try and lay down rules about showing emotions in front of the children. I think children can grow and learn a lot, having a mother who shows them how much she loved, and misses, their baby brother. It takes a lot of strength and honesty to show your children difficult emotions, and it may help give them a road map for their own difficult emotions.
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My best friend’s baby was born stillborn – an absolute tragedy. Sadly none of the tips above will help because she & her family have gone into complete shut down. Not answering phone calls, text messages – they’ve asked to be alone. I’m finding it difficult to function knowing she’s in pain and there’s not a damn thing I can do to help. I’m devastated for her and want to be there but can’t
(((((
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Peace, love and Shoes….. Do you live near your best friend?
I suggest making meals and leaving it on their doorstep. Don’t tell them you are going to do it, just do it!
It may not seem like much but to them it will more than likely seem like the world! One less thing they need to think about at their time of need!
It may not seem like much but it will be more appreciated more than you would think!
All the Best!
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My brother died when he was knocked off his bike by a car just before his 15th birthday. My Dad’s brother told my Mother that she will forget and move on one day. She never forgave him for saying that. She did NOT want to forget my brother, ever.
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Thank you for the interesting article… I had a dilemma recently. A friends’ young daughter died of cancer in May. In September she came to me in a vivid dream. I have had these dreams before when close relatives had died but this little girl I did not know personally as my friends live abroad. We had all supported them and prayed for them and their daughter for the duration of her illness. When I woke up I knew this “dream” was much more, that it was in fact a spiritual visit of their daughter, who had clearly come to let me know she was ok. It was extremely hard for me to inform them. On one hand I felt I should, on the other I felt bad she had come to me (possibly she had done so because she knew I was open to this kind of communication). In the end I did tell them, carefully, and they were very relieved to hear she was ok. Unfortunately they have not had these kinds of dreams since her passing and I still feel a little bad about it yet I think she wanted me to let them know… A distant cousin also came to me after his tragic death and I told his mother right away – she said many friends and relatives had had similar experiences and she too was glad to hear it. Mind you this was a few months after the death, not immediately.
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I can relate Mah. Our baby boy was diagnosed with a heart defect that was ‘not conducive with sustaining human life’ and was born sleeping. Not long after, my MIL told me ‘that it was all part of God’s plan for us’. That may be comforting for some people, but not for us.
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This is a fantastic article. There is no road map for these events and the loved ones and the poeple around them have no idea how to respond to it all. When i lost my brother a few years ago, i took notice of how my friends and colleagues responded, and while it certainly put some people in a new light for me, i think it’s really important for us to remember that we shouldn’t feel angry or hurt by other’s responses, or lack of understanding because at the end of the day, anyone who has known the pain of grief would NEVER wish it on ANY other person, we truly do not want others to understand what grief feels like.
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I am in a dilemma because an acquaintance of mine has lost a child in a terrible accident. Literally an acquaintance, not a friend. I feel her loss deeply as I imagine how awful i would feel… yet i am not a close enough friend to visit, or help in a practical way… I don’t even know her exact address. But I will see her now and then, and probably continue to see her as our children are at school together… I am torn as to how to express my sorrow for her loss, and to say that I will never forget her child… even though i didn’t her….
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Do visit, do talk but most importantly do listen…. Use the advice above. Or do something anonymously. This person will love that you acknowledge their child. Ask how she is going, offer help don’t be afraid to use the child’s name it’s important to the family that the child is not swept aside…. Your concern and feeling will mean a lot. My sister in law lost twins and the one thing she hates is that people didn’t ask her how she was feeling as they didn’t want to upset her, yes she may have cried but she still wants to hear people acknowledge our girls and to let her talk about them. Good luck and even if you don’t do anything know that your thoughts for this person and how it will touch your life is special
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Reach out to her even if you don’t know her well. Maybe send her a card or something, offer to help in a practical way, like bringing her kids over after school to play? I have a good friend who was once an acquaintance, then her daughter got hospitalised with leukemia. She was just a baby. I felt so awful I wrote her a letter, and I ended up visiting them in hospital, bringing some little things to make their stay more comfortable, calling to check on them and just being there to listen… Often there was not much I could say. Once when I told her her daughter looked really good she said “So would you after a blood transfusion. Each chemo session could kill her.” I just nodded and kept my gob shut. She needed to let that out. Thankfully her little girl is much better now, and well we are now good buddies.
Take care and follow your instinct! Good luck.
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I never know what to say when these things happen.And I can understand how words can really hurt and make things worse.But in the end,I think people really just want to help and offer some kind words.And when grieving,anything can go down the wrong way.
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A few weeks ago my niece passed away and I feel like I could write pages on this topic! Whilst there were certainly some comments that still leave me shaking my head, there were many more gestures and comments that reminded me just how wonderful people can be.
Of course when a child dies our thoughts and support should be focused on the parents and siblings for their enormous loss however I think it is also important not to forget that others will also be grieving. For my niece this included family friends and her wonderful creche carers who were devastated. Also, please don’t forget Aunties! I adored my niece and miss her so much. I was so touched when a friend of my sisters, who I didn’t know, hugged me and said “I’m an Aunty too, I know how special that relationship is.” Her thoughtfulness meant so much to me. On the other hand, I’m still furious at a friend of my parents who – just as we were leaving the church, on the way to the burial – came up to me and in a very over the top way told me how devastated she was for the enormous loss my sister was going through and my parents, that she was there for them to cope with such a terrible loss and their grief….and then went straight on without pausing to ask me “had I been on any holidays lately, isn’t your jacket lovely – do you mind telling me where it is from?” Perhaps her insensitivity was because she didn’t know what to say however I actually think it had not even crossed her mind that I might also be grieving.
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I am so sorry for your loss.I am an auntie and I agree,it is such a special relationship. I cried reading this.xx
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I too am an aunty and its my most cherished role to date. I too cried reading this as I can’t begin to imagine how I would cope if something happened to my 4 young nieces & 1 nephew. I am particularly close to my sisters’ two young girls and feel I couldn’t love them any more if they were my own.
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your special little niece x
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My Mum died when I was 12 and over the 25 years that have followed I’ve lost all my grandparents, a favourite uncle, and some much loved pets. I think that grief must be the worst human emotion that we can possibly experience.
I’ve never really felt offended or upset by comments that anyone has made if they were genuine. I remember people travelling long distances to pay their respects, and family and friends doing their very best to say or do something that helped. Even the most clumsy responses I thought were touching.
I don’t know if I would worry too much about a list of “what not to say.” Just be honest. Is it really so bad to have tears streaming down your face and snot running from your nose as you tell your friend or relative that you feel so sad for them? I just wanted to hug the people that said this to me because I knew they loved me.
Something I have noticed though is how it was difficult when others returned to “normal life” and a lot of the fuss died down. It almost felt like a second wave of grief. I think the odd note or phone call a couple of months later can mean a lot.
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I really think this is important to keep in touch over the months and years. Grieving may change, but years later the bereaved will still grieving.
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Wow, thanks for this. I never really know what to say to someone who is grieving, so I really appreciate this list and understand now it’s more about listening and just being there, rather than coming up with something to say.
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Thank you for your comment Coaster.
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My grandmother passed away in September. Best comment I got was from a dear friend who said ‘Life just sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?’ That resonated with me. Some parts of life just suck but some are delightful too, and her acknowledging that this was a sucky bit really helped.
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This article really resonates with me. I lost my mum in a car accident nearly 8 years ago. Having been through that, I can now treat people whose loved ones have passed away with the compassion and sympathy that I learned. I find a kiss, a hug, a look in the eye and asking ‘how are you’? is simple. They can choose to tell you the truth or brush you off, depending on how they are feeling. Later, after the funeral, I find an arm around the shoulder or a rub on the back lets them know I’m feeling for them without having to speak.
Two things stand out after my mum died:
1. People saying I’m so sorry…my uncle died last month.
2. An aunt at the funeral came up to me, hugged me then proceeded to show me a photo book of her new granddaughter.
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When I was 15 my oldest brother was killed in a car accident. I hated people saying ‘Look after mum and dad’. I mean, hello? I’m 15! And who’s going to look after me! Another beauty was the mournfully toned, ‘He was her first-born’ (so on that logic, it would matter less had it been me because I’m the youngest!). I once argued with my other brother about something to do with our lost brother, and my mohter tried to placate me with, ‘He’s heartbroken…’ Well, so was I. I sometimes felt my parents forgot I existed when my brother died. 30 years later, I think I might still have some issues about this.
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I lost my grandfather in February, and it was the first instance of loss and grief I’ve experienced, other than losing a few pets.
And I found it was strange, because before that if anything bad happened to one of my friends or someone I know, the first response I said was “I’m so sorry”.
It was only when my grandfather died and friends said it to me upon hearing the news, I realised how utterly insignificant the words are. And I’ve struggled with it ever since. I’ve unfortunately had many friends lose a grandparent this year since I lost mine and every time, I’ve struggled to find words to say without saying “I’m sorry”.
It’s hard, but I’ve found the best thing to do is simply give them a hug and let them vent and just listen. Gestures work better than words in instances like this.
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I think Australians may be particularly bad at knowing what to do or say in this situation. When my husbands brother took his own life I found the viewing (where people came to pay their respects to him in the front room of his home in a small Irish town) completely overwhelming, with literally hundreds of unfamiliar neighbours and distant friends of friends of friends of the family visiting my grieving sister in law and her children at all hours of the day and night. Yet, they were comforted by it and saw it as part of the grieving process. I was then touched by all the members of the small community who stood by their front gates and bowed their heads as the hearse drove past before they joined us for the funeral. When we got back to Australia, not a single one of my husbands work colleagues even approached him to say even the simplest thing like ‘I am sorry to hear about your brother’. Like others have said, there may not be a right or wrong thing to say, but anything is better than nothing. These may be two extremes but surely there is a happy medium.
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My 3 year old daughter died almost 20 years and I still remember quite clearly some of the many “wrong” things people said.
‘She’s in a better place” , “she’s an angel in heaven” and many others like that. One of the ones that bothered me most were a couple of mothers who said I was “so strong” to cope with losing my child because they’d never be able to survive if anything happened to one of their children. I felt like punching them. Others saying “I know exactly how you feel – my grandfather died 3 years ago” – No, You do not know how I feel – you know how YOU felt.
Plus, if I’m managing to talk about it without crying and getting upset please don’t get upset and cry yourself about my loss, in front of me or make a big deal about it like “Oh My God you poor thing etc.” If I’m coping without tears then try and help me cope.
Even now after so many years, if I say anything about my daughter who died in conversation, most other people just can’t cope and it’s frustrating. I want to talk about her otherwise it’s like she never existed and if other people get all upset and dramatic about it, that only makes it so much harder for me to talk about her.
Whoa..sorry this is a bit of a rant but this topic could keep me going for hours. On the whole most people say nice things that you don’t even really notice – it’s just the ones you don’t like that you remember.
My personal preference – a simple “I’m so sorry” and take your cues from whatever happens next – listen if they want to talk, quiet if they don’t, practical if there’s something you can do etc. Just try and stay away from all the platitudes no matter how well meaning they are.
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Coaster, I’m touched by your post. I’m so sorry for your loss of your little girl. Thinking of you. xx
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Once again, my comment was moderated and hasn’t appeared. I posted at around 3:30pm. Nothing in it was against the guidelines and this has happened numerous times so I’m not going to buy into the whole “it got lost in internet land” reasoning.
I clicked on this article because it looked interesting and appreciated the content. Just because my comment was not along the lines of everyone else’s does not mean that it was any less important.
I rarely comment on Mamamia but when I do, it gets moderated and doesn’t appear.
Not really happy.
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Hi Jebly,
Can’t find any record of your comment being deleted. Sometimes comments do go into spam and because we get about 10,000 spam comments every couple of days, we are unable to trawl through them to pick out legitimate comments. So sorry about this……
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Jebly, there is a post from you I just spotted posted at 4:32p.m
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I thought it was really lovely how Dr Horsley put in comment 10 recognising her other children’s grief, despite the terrible grief she must have been going through herself. I remember when my Dad died I heard so many times that I had to look after his parents because ‘it is natural to bury a parent but unnatural to bury a child ‘. I can understand to an extent where this comment comes from and it was terrible for them as I’m sure it is for any parent who loses a child. I’d have to add though that at the ages of 18, 21 and 23 respectively it did not feel particularly ‘natural’ to my sister, brother and I to be attending our Dad’s funeral.
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A fcollegue’s18 year old son committed suicide in their garage. My collegue/friend was 15 years older than I and he was her youngest child of 4. At the time I had two girls under 5. I wrote her a letter saying that I had always looked up to her and what a fantastic mother she was and that I often modelled my mothering choices on her. I was devastated for her and her family and told her so.
I wasnt a close friend of the family so didnt want to intrude on their grief so I posted my letter.
At the funeral each of her children sought me out to thank me for my note. Apparently it had a profound effect on the whole family and bought a very small ray of sunshine into their lives during the darkest days.
Some time past and she told me that my words were very helpful and that on her bad days she still reads my letter.
It taught me that words written can sometimes be far more useful than words said in a crowd.
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Maree – you are so right. It’s gestures like this that can have a profound impact on the people left behind, and a handwritten note (or even a thoughtfully-worded email) can have a deep and lasting impact.
After my sister died, I received several letters from her close friends (some of whom I’d never met before), all expressing their shock and sadness, with a few people taking the time to share their memories of my her. I treasure these letters so much, and they mean more to me than the people who wrote them could ever possibly know.
One of my sister’s old friends – her first boyfriend – wrote to me and told me that my sister was one of the best people he’d ever known, and went on to share some lovely stories about some of the times they’d spent together. At the end of the letter, he referenced the fact that my sister had loved the work of Gabriel Garcia Márquez, and said that while he hadn’t moved beyond the shock that she was gone, he imagined “that like a Marquez character she simply floated away into the sky, carried by the wind.” I just love that image, and it really helped me in the days, weeks and months following my sister’s death, and is an image I still hold on to.
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I received a few letters after my mum died and I too read them every now and then. Some of them are so touching. There were 200 people at mum’s funeral and the people who wrote letters are the ones I remember most.
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Maree your instincts were spot on, I can tell you how wonderful your gesture was as I received the same support and comfort written by one of my fathers cousin after my fathers death in similar circumstances. Written after his funeral, she wrote of her thanks that we shared the many aspects of our dads life in the service, how proud she was of him. I read that letter many times and it meant so much.
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This is a good article, thank you. I lost my mum when I was 22, and had never experienced significant loss before. Some of my friends found it difficult, but still just were “there”, which was all I needed. So many people found ways to be inappropriate. And the inappropriateness can cut pretty deep – a comment from someone who wasn’t there during the illness told me “at least it happened quickly”. No it bloody didn’t – I spent months sitting next to a hospital bed. And if it had have happened quickly, would that have been better? Grief needs understanding, not “advice”.
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After the death of my mum yes some people said the wrong thing or muddled over their word but I knew they meant well, it was the workmates who did not mention it at all that I found most hard to deal with.
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Definitely don’t say to somebody, ‘Aren’t you over that yet?’, three weeks after a miscarriage. Especially if you are the MIL.
Yup.
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Oh my gosh yes. I have had 4 miscarriages and have not carried a baby to term yet. In fact I have been told I will never carry a baby to term without medical intervention. But I’ve been told several times by well-meaning people, “at least you know you can get pregnant!” … thanks but its mot that comforting to know I can get pregnant and am guaranteed to then lose the baby… again.
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Wow JAcky – that must be so hard. People being insensitive really doesn’t help either.
Miscarriage is so under-rated. I found I told very few people about subsequent miscarriages to avoid the insensitive ones. That was easier for me.
I really hope you are able to carry to term one day soon. Sending positive vibes to you and your future pregnancy.
love Lottie
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We lost our baby due to a heart abnormality and we must have heard all ten of the ‘things NOT to say’ at one time or another. The worst was my parents and sisters telling me to “get over it, you can have another baby, and don’t be selfish to the son you still have”. Also our ministers – a husband and wife team who had been kind – encouraged us to return to church for fellowship support; except his chosen sermon was based on matters of the (emotionally) broken heart. This upset me terribly since just the mere mention of the word ‘heart’ was too much for me to cope with in my highly sensitive, distressed state. I guess, as I have learned to live without our child and all that could have been, I have forgiven people since most insensitive comments were made through ignorance and embarrassment as to how deal with our loss; but definitely the hardest to deal with still, would be my parents telling me to “just get over it, stop feeling depressed, enjoy my remaining son, if your believe in heaven then that’s where she is anyway, and have another baby”. Of all people they should have understood me the most. I guess they said their comments through desperation in order to have their happy daughter back again, but I believe they put their feelings first and not my need for understanding and comfort.
I am happy to say we went on to have two more children – one of whom was born on our deceased baby’s birthday. I still light a candle for our baby in heaven on her birthday and then continue the celebrations of our son’s birthday – though I admit to still having a tear as I get into bed that night. We have discussed this openly with the children ad the understand and support this During our worst outpouring of grief, the most comforting and useful support we received we friends merely sat with me and listened and hugged me, and who popped in the odd casserole to help out my husband who was having to carry out most of the household chores due to my state. Thank you, dear friends, who stood by me during those first terrible few years – who loved me for who I was at that time and not who I used to be. They didn’t judge me, smother me with advice, take umbrage when I dropped off the scene and who understood my joy at the birth of our following babies but understood that part of my joy was tinged with sorrow for what could have been. Again, thank you.
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Thank you for this article. The timing of this is perfect. My father-in-law quietly slipped away in the hours of yesterday morning following a very very short diagnosis of lung cancer. Yes he was 80 and yes as a few people have reminded us he “had a good innings” it doesn’t take away from the fact that my partner now has no living parents, and my son just lost his grandad and that the last of his days were painful and undignified. We are grieving as much for him as we are the end of an era. That that link in a living sense is now gone and its also very unlikely that our son will remember much of his grandad who adored him (we will do our utmost to remind him). Generally I do believe that people mean well (often) when they say some of those statements. Im actually more offended when they say nothing (as a friend did yesterday).
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Sending love, peace and memories. You are right – Time & relationship is actually irrelevant – No matter what people say to try and make it better …
As any one person leaves this earth they take with them ‘their stuff’ and leave behind ‘our’ stuff.
Wising you all:
Enough good true friends & memories to get through this as ‘painlessly’ as possible – but also the
Space, ability and willingness of others (and self?) to truly feel, morn, celebrate, remember and accept … AND … most importantly …
PEACE – to allow and enable those moments now and tomorrow .. to just be ok with ‘what is- right now ’ and
the sister HOPE – to embrace all that you want it to be ‘tomorrow’ – ie may your son remember, know and feel “how much his granddad love/s/ed him” … & be able to relate those stories that keep him alive … (even if they have the seed from you )
Cuddle close, celebrate, laugh, love and cry for him and you ….
LOVE Kath
(funny enough a stranger will think of him – just by the name / label – Alison’s FIL / Alison’s child ) Granddad
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Great article … Just one thing … (BUT I am NOT a Dr!) from a very personal POV …
I hated it when people referred to my daughter’s death as ‘loss’ instead of the word ‘death’.
I know people are trying to be kind and use a less ‘in your face’ word and it is true her death was and is a ‘loss’ for me, her, us, our family, the world etc. While even to this day the word ‘loss’ when we mean death still ‘gets me’ it is no way near as intense.
For ME, back then, when Jen’s death was more recent – I used to say “Oh no … I didn’t LOSE her …. I am NOT that much of a careless mother” (& yes – she was a little one) … “She died.”
And all the time I was thinking … in a sing song voice … (words along the lines of …)
“BUT I do WISH she was ‘just lost’. Any ideas where I might find her? … I have looked in the cupboards, back seat of the car, even under her cot – you know how crazy those babies can be … and I’ve even snuck down right back in garden … in case she crawled to see the fairies – and then realised … silly me – she can’t even crawl yet … so yea … She is not LOST … I did not LOSE her – she died …She is DEAD “ (or words to that effect ..)
These days I appreciate more than ever, some people DO want to hear … ‘loss’ not death / died / dead. And how is anyone to KNOW what words to use???
Well (apart from stupid stuff like calling them a flower in god’s garden etc … but hey for some THAT might even work!) … bottom line is YOU probably will not know so DO:
1. LISTEN to the person closest to the death (or you) and mirror that language – If they say death / died / dead – use it .. . (or I guess if they keep saying … ‘ …. A flower in god’s garden … ‘ well – really?? … good luck with that.
2. ASK – What words should I use? – BUT be careful … be loving … be VERY AWARE of the situation … IF people want to call it … that …. event / situation/ accident/ LOSS etc …
a) SEE POINT 1 … and / or
b) IF you are close enough and you have the love and care enough … to be gentle and ask with no judgement … Just ask …
How you do this I can’t say … but for example … in the right close situation I have asked …. ‘may I call X death a suicide?’ (It very obviously WAS & ‘everyone knew it!).
The reaction?
“OH YES PLEASE DO!” (meaning and later discussed –‘ It is so freeing to be able to not have to pussy-foot around the word with you!’) … BUT again –
BE CAREFUL! We are not trying to make other people ‘accept’ words or situations but rather BE WITH THEM in the language / terms / ‘reality’ FOR THEM .. (and letting them know that ..) . And then …
3. HEAR & WATCH. Assuming by now you really do have a close loving relationship … really hear what they say and watch how they react .. and then – SEE POINT 1 & 2 …
FOR ME?
99.9% of those close to me now say (with respect to Jennifer ) … died, death, die, etc … and for the 0.1% – I SAY (if anything at all!!! – because some people just do NOT want to talk about it!) … loss, lost, .. and ‘how our flower would be blooming’ … LOL – because the truth is … I really do understand a little baby girl’s death (called Jennifer) touched so many people and EVERYONE needs the right to use the words that best meet their needs (AND even no words at all).
I am cool with that now (& I like to think Jen would be too )
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Thanks so much for posting this comment. Can I say how sorry I am about your daughter Jennifer’s death. Hopefully, your advice will help me to act better in situations like these.
Cheers, Pip
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I understand these lists are well-meaning but I feel they are becoming prohibitive. What’s wrong for you may be right for someone else, or at least, not wrong for them.
With so much at stake every time one opens their mouth in support, it might not be long before nobody will be brave enough to say anything at all. Which by most of these accounts sounds like the better option anyway.
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Yes I agree that it is impossible to create a mould for how to deal with all people. Things upset some, and resonate with others. I have been on both sides of the fence. For me personally, I took the most offense to those who chose to say NOTHING at all. All the things not to say in the list are certainly abhorrent. But I would take any of them over those who glossed over it.
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The 7 helpful things you can do to help someone grieving are spot on as are the reader comments above. My Mum passed away two weeks ago after a very sudden and short diagnosis of lung cancer. Compounding my grief is that I am 8 months pregnant with my first child and Mum’s first Grand daughter. Mum and Dad’s friends were incredibly supportive and most knew just how to be of comfort but since I’ve been home I feel that my friends don’t know what to do or say and I feel quite alone sometimes. I know now, having experienced the death of a parent, what words and actions are comforting but I also understand that until you’ve been through something like this you really have no idea of how it feels and what to do. One of the most precious things a friend did for me was sending a card with memories they have of my Mum. And another friend dropped off meals for the freezer when Mum was first diagnosed because she knew the last thing I would feel like doing is cooking. If there is one good thing that comes from this awful, and seemingly relentless, grief it is that I will hopefully know how to comfort my friends and family when they go through a similar life-changing event.
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I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Katherine. It’s true that it is difficult for others to understand unless they have been through it themselves. It wasn’t until I lost my Mum that I realised how wrong my approach was with my best friend when she lost her mother. If I could go back in time there are so many little things I would have done for her, but now I just make sure that I acknowledge every anniversary, like she does for me.
I just wanted to share a little idea with you, something that I did after my Mum passed away. After a few weeks, when we had the strength to go through some of her things, we picked some pieces of her favourite clothing and had them made into small memory quilts – one each for my brother and sister and I. I am keeping mine for the cot of my future children, so that they can share something special of their grandmother’s. I thought it might be something you could do for your little daughter too, if you wanted to.
Wishing you comfort and love xx
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I feel like I can’t say anything right anymore regardless of the situation. I understand that people grieve in different ways but how is anyone supposed to know how someone will interpret a simple comment?
A new baby, kids, marriage, divorce, birthdays, death… Mamamia has made me feel like nothing I say is the right thing!
I’m not mad, just frustrated I guess because a simple comment could change everything. It all depends on the person grieving in the end.
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A little common sense goes a long way. I don’t think people are waiting to jump down your throat if you say something that doesn’t help them but I do think that people need to put a little more thought into some of the things they say. For me (having my daughter stillborn) some people said and did things that didn’t help- that didn’t bother me too much. It was the people who put NO thought into what came out of their mouths that bugged me. Like the co-worker who said “Oh well, at least your baby wasn’t born alive and died 3 days later or something- that would’ve been so much worse” or the nurse who saw my 2 year old and said “Well, you’ve got one at least.” There is a difference between not knowing what to say and saying something so thoughtless it hurts deeply.
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Show up!!!! “Friends” who disappear compounded (and always will) the loss of my baby son acutely. And like Mia says “give us a chance to acknowledge the cloud” There is nothing you can say to make us feel better, so don’t even try. Just turn up, listen and be patient. If you think it’s hard for you – put yourself in our shoes.
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After losing my dad 18 months ago I feel I have not been able to greive properly because I feel as though my mum’s grief and my siblings grief out weigh mine! (highly likely I have put it deep below the surface or could also be in denial still).
I felt as though I had to keep going (life doesn’t stop even if you have lost someone). I wanted to fall into a heap but never got the chance.
I actually had a friendship end because I felt that this friend was not there for me in the way I thought she would be!
I hope this has made some sense!
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ohhh….do I relate.
I spent a few years trying to hold the family together after my father’s bereavement, thinking it was the right thing to do. And it was, at the time – my mother was barely able to function and I often had to shower her, dress her, do her groceries.
And then one day, she was okay. The next she was dating someone. Or at least it seemed that way to me.
And suddenly, I lost my bundle. I realise now I never gave myself time to grieve him, and I had a series of breakdowns, mental and physical. And the person I would normally talk to, my mother – was suddenly in a good place when I was in a bad place, and I didn’t want to wreck her good place.
So please, take your emotions seriously and don’t feel bad to ask for help. You do need to work through those feelings at some point, sooner or later. It’s damaging not to.
All the very best.
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a!!
Thank you!
I know that one day it will probably hit me! (That is not to say I haven’t shed a tear or 2 in the last 18 months!) I just feel I need to be “strong” for my mum and her loss is greater than mine! How do you tell someone that is grieving for the same person (in a different way) that you feel you can’t grieve for them as all your energy is focused on supporting them…. My first father’s day without my dad my mum rang and said “happy father’s day, I had to say it to someone” it never occured to her that I may be finding that day difficult!
I had one very dear and good friend check in with me via text that day to see how I was!
Again thank you ‘a’ for relating!
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Thank you Dr Horsely and Mamamia for this article. It’s a comfort to know that my grief has prompted a very important discussion. It’s too recent and raw for me to have too much clarity or insight into this topic but I can say that practical help from friends and family has been a god-send during this terrible time. Thanks again for the kind words, love and support. Rachel
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Hi Rachel, just letting you know that you haven’t left my thoughts since reading your beautiful, heart-wrenching post. Every day I wonder how you’re doing and hoping the days are gradually being kinder to you. Thank you for prompting this discussion; I agree that it’s important as so many of us genuinely want to help in any way possible, but feel incapable of offering anything meaningful!
Thinking of you often and hoping that more rays of light make it through…
Emma
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I love this article. As a recent widow at 43 I got nearly all these comments. As it was sudden, I don’t really remember what people said but I remember them showing up! I would also say just listen & try not to tell your own story, like my husbands, brothers, sisters friend also had a heart attack, blah, blah, blah….we don’t need to listen to this you need to listen to us..
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I lost my wonderful sister a few weeks ago and am still in the early stages of grieving. One tip I could offer to friends of the bereaved is, when opening up a dialogue, try to avoid asking the question “how are you?”. Firstly, following a loss, grieving family members often find themselves the recipients of far more phone calls than usual and engaging in standard protocols of conversation at such an excessive level can be daunting, overwhelming and extremely tiring – the last thing a bereaved person needs. Secondly, it’s best to assume that we are not well. Providing an honest answer to someone asking us ‘how we are’ would ultimately require a negative answer and a very personal statement that we may not be prepared to give. Furthermore, addressing our current state in conversation only highlights a situation which a bereaved person is, in all likelihood, trying to keep under control.
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Very sorry for the loss of your sister x
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One of my very dear friend’s son was born with a disability that had not been identified through testing so they went through a very difficult grieving process when he was born.
I will never forget how gracious she was to everyone. She told me later that her and her husband understood that nobody knew the right thing to say to them and that everyone was truly sad for them (and at the same time thrilled to meet and besotted by their beautiful boy). they just resolved to think about the sentiment behind the words, rather than the words themselves.
I could only wish to have the grace and dignity of that beautiful woman!
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When I’m going through things I’ve always thought that people respond in a way that they might want if in the same predicament. No contact – maybe that’s what they would want. Cheesy platitudes – perhaps that works for them. But I like your friends attitude – so elegant.
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Both of my parents were older (although both lived full, active lives & Mums death came as a complete shock) when they died. If one more person said “she/he had a good innings”, “she/he isn’t suffering”, “time heals” or any other of those mealy mouthed platitudes to me I was going to scream.
I actually came very close a couple of times. These are my parents you are talking about. My beloved mother & adored father. There were and are no words that could make me feel any better then or now.
Just be there for the person who is grieving. Grief is a lonely journey and to know you are not totally alone can help to blunt the edges a little
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When my brother died another comment that would annoy me was “You’re parents must be devastated.” Yes they are, as are the siblings!
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When my borther died another comment that would annoy me was “You’re parents must be devastated.” Yes they are, as are the siblings!
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I can so relate to this (for a sister)… many years later this is still what they say and seem to forget that her picture is on my wall, the memories are also mine & my daughter shares her name.
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I lost my sister earlier this year and everyone kept saying to me ‘let me know if there is anything I can do’.
I hated this statement as I needed comfort & help, but didn’t want to say ‘yeah, actually can you…’ because I felt this wasn’t a genuine offer of help.
I was also very aware of how uncomfortable people really were about death and having to talk about it.
My girlfriend who hates talking about death came and hung out with me anyway. We baked goodies together & didn’t talk about it at all. The physical act of doing something made me feel like things would get back to some sort of normal at some stage & this really helped.
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I’ve often heard people grieving that they really appreciated not being asked what they need, but people just putting some thought into it and doing helpful things without being asked to. Offer to do something specific instead of offering to do nothing specific.
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I can’t speak for your friends but I know when someone I know receives terrible news or has a death in the family, I always say, “let me know if there’s anything I can do”. And I mean it!!
I don’t want to go in and get all in their business by doing the washing or something if what they actually want is to be left alone – and it’s hard to know exactly what is the right thing to do, as everyone responds differently.
When my nephew was diagnosed with cancer another friend of mine gave me an awesome piece of advice, sit down with your sister and make a list of all the things that they actually could use assistance with, ie, mowing lawns, cooking etc. Then when anyone makes an offer of help to my sister, she can simply tell them to call me and we can work out, from the list, something they can actually do to help.
I was innudated with offers of help from their friends and family. People generally do want to make life easier – sometimes they just don’t know how to go about it
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I say that too! And I do mean it. When faced with a situation like this, I think I’ve said, “Oh, you poor thing, that is horrible.” And I do mirror their actions and words, I know they don’t want to hear about who I’ve lost, I shut my mouth and let them talk or cry. I tell them that I’m very cuddly if they want a cuddle and offer to do anything they want me to do. Yeah, I don’t want to barge into their house and start tidying up if they don’t want me to!
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Thank you so much for this article. Having recently dealt with the loss of my brother then the loss of my brother in law’s brother, I’ve realized that most people don’t handle deaths well, it’s almost like a taboo subject where ‘protocol’ is sketchy and vague and people get nervous and trip over their words. I don’t think I will ever be able to utter the words ‘Im sorry’ to someone over their loved ones death, to me those two words together are now meaningless and empty. I’m going with more of a ‘this sucks’ approach and being there physically and emotionally for them. Having said that, I hope to God it’s going to be a long while before I’m in this situation again.
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My father died when I was 20 and some of the things people said to my mother and me begger belief! The most insenstive comment was from a neighbour who said to my mother (on the day of my father’s death), don’t think of your husband as dead, just imagine you got a divorce. Unbelievable! The worst part about these types of comments is that they stay with you. My father died 25 years ago and I remember that comment like it was said yesterday.
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I was once asked if a funeral had been successful. (Wtf?) For the record I’m quite sarcastic and answered with “well he’s still dead!”
I also had a very close friend say “yea I figured” when I told her my grandfather had died.
I’ve had people say, “you’ll live”. All awful responses.
But, I’ve been to around 14 funerals and I’m only 25. A lot of people my age have never experienced death and I realised that for some the thought process of hugging your grieving friend, telling them you Love them and letting them cry, isn’t something that necessarily comes naturally.
People don’t know until they’ve been there and everyone is different…
I give people a hug and let them cry.
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erinsy, that’s spot on. I lost my beautiful fiance a year ago last week and it’s still so difficult to comprehend, and I have my ups and downs. I’m lucky to have different groups of friends who knew him or didn’t, and his sister, who I couldn’t get through without. Once insensitve ‘well meaning’ comment I keep getting is ‘you’ll find someone else’. I could not begin to think of ever being with anyone as perfect for me as him, and it will never be possible to ‘get over him’.
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I’m so sorry, that is a devastating loss. xox
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