Ah, puberty… It’s a confusing time made all the more confusing by magazines.
If you’re looking for sex advice – or even just advice on how the whole anatomy thing even works – we suggest you steer clear of women’s magazines and maybe talk to a science teacher instead.
We asked and had a bit of a dig around, and this is some of the worst sex advice that’s ever been printed on paper. We recommend you don’t. Just. Don’t.
“Put an ice cube in your mouth to give a blow job.”
Does any guy actually enjoy this?
“For a hand job, pretend you are juicing a lemon on the tip.”
Ouch. Also, something to think about the next time you’re squeezing lemons.
"Look up at him while you're giving him a blow job."
Um sure, if you want to crick your neck.
"Have sex standing up against a wall."
No. Because, impossible.
"Have shower sex! Or spa sex! Or pool sex!"
Pretty sure all of the above will give you some kind of yeast infection.
"The wheelbarrow sex position."
Nope.
"Wake him up with a blow job in bed."
This could go really badly if he wakes up and is terrified because he doesn't know what's going on.
"If you're a guy, pee inside the girl after you finish, but before you pull out so you don't have to use a condom. The ammonia in your urine will neutralise the sperm."
Ewwwwww. Also, doctors say urine is not a spermicide and you are likely to get a nasty infection, so... please don't.
"Make two fists around his shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can."
So... It's a Chinese burn for the penis?
"Scatter marbles all over the bed for a cool sensation."
How about we... don't.
"Bring chocolate sauce to bed and slather it anywhere he should pay attention."
Seriously? We just washed the sheets.
LISTEN: We need to talk about blokes and orgasms. Post continues below.
"Put on a British accent."
But... why?
"To tease him, hover just above the tip of his penis."
What, like a helicopter?
"Stop mid-action and point out a camera you've set up in the corner of the room."
Uh, that's illegal.
So, what have we learnt here, people? Absolutely nothing. Don't try any of this at home.
Top Comments
Marbles in the bed just sounds incredibly uncomfortable, unless you're into Princess And The Pea roleplay, in which case, go right ahead. Chocolate sauce anywhere near your vagina is asking for a yeast infection. And who in God's name is recommending guys pee INSIDE the woman? Are they twelve years old, because this sounds like the 'sex ed' you get by word of mouth in the playground. Seriously, what magazine gave that advice?
Yeah, the pee one made me stop and be like "wait, what? who wrote this, Ralph Wiggum?"
"Mrs Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!"
Hahaha, that was the quote I was originally going to post too! So good.
This is precisely why I always have my carry box of Hungry Hungry Hippos with me at all times - you can never be too sure about a random marble encounter.
Dating is getting tougher every day
You're quite happy to just say these are wrong, without talking to some guys about them? Or trying them yourself?
As a guy I would be open to discuss / have done about 10 of these.
Well I've kind of given away my lack of sexual experience in another article, but I kind of agree. Some of the tips are almost comically bad, but some just seem like sex tips...
I don't even get "The wheelbarrow sex position - Nope." it's not like it suggested trying golden showers or rough, submissive sex...
To be honest i think even those things should be able to be discussed, even if the discussion is 'Do you want to try a golden sho.....'
'NO!'
Indeed. You don't have to say yes to everything, but automatically dismissing it seems pretty dumb (and would lead to a pretty boring sex life I'd have thought).