I never dreamed that a life-changing moment would come in the form of a tiddly, elderly lady heckler, but that it did. It was after a recent comedy gig that the said lady approached me.
“My dear,” she said, holding my arm in one hand and a wobbly Chardonnay in the other, “can I give you the perspective of an older person?”
I braced myself. Having been raised by a grandmother with a repertoire of well-intended advice insults regarding my body shape (which I had become as accustomed to over the years as luncheons at the local RSL), I could just feel in her tone what was coming: almost to the point where it crossed my mind to intercept right then and there, “Uh, let me guess: you’re about to call me fat.”
Instead I did exactly what I do when my grandmother is in the firing squad: I smiled.
“You are beautiful, you have a lovely voice, but…” (here she tapped my arm in either a gesture of conspiratorial secrecy or increased urgency) “…you must wear longer skirts. You see you have these…these, pub legs.”
Stop. Let’s just take a moment to take that in, shall we? Yes. PUB LEGS.
I still to this day have no idea what ‘pub legs’ actually means. I can only hypothesise that she meant either that they remind her of the look of a haggard barmaid, gravity slowly pulling the weight towards the ankles after one too many years bent over the beer-tap, or alternatively, that they are rectangular and well – block-like – enough to actually resemble the physical structure of a pub.
Once I got over the surprise – and confusion – of my newly found fan’s token of career advice, I had three thoughts.
The first was to thank her very much for valued feedback, which will prove most useful should I ever opt to actively pursue that very overlooked niche demographic of inebriated over 70s.
The second entailed a rather long-winded rant on why the mere sight of a body part could be so completely contradictory to one person’s idea of beautiful, that they should feel inclined to actually tell the appendage’s owner to “put that thing away!”
The third was a resolve not to hide my stubby protrusions at all, but rather to show them off more often!
My pub legs may be pub legs, but they were MY pub legs. Ones which had helped to carry three children, no less, and they would follow me and my plethora of other imperfections in open sight of anybody who could be bothered looking.
I would enlist them as my delightfully chubby little allies in playing my small (if rotund) part in changing where the real ugliness lies: that being, in our society’s pursuit of perfection at all costs.
And let me qualify this by saying that I am as far away from immune as I am from a treadmill. I’ve never felt chuffed with my body – but never LESS so than since having children. When I look down at my stretch-marked, war-torn tummy I feel like a gypped landlord in one of those ‘Tenants from Hell”’ segments on A Current Affair. My tenants came, they saw, they trashed the joint. I never even thought to collect a security deposit. Ironic, given that I was left with a great big deposit of insecurity.
Please, please, please, women of planet Earth, I beg you, let us make a pact whereby we all simultaneously abandon this ridiculousness known as the pursuit of perfection, and instead agree just to let it all hang out. Maybe then, if we could focus less on the art of looking good and more on the art of being good we could just…you know, hang out.
But for now I must take a break from my pontificating. My pub legs and I have some serious strutting to do.
Jenny Wynter is a comedian, writer and mother-of-three who brings her award-winning one-woman cabaret about the unexpected twists in life “An Unexpected Variety Show” to Brisbane Powerhouse and Melbourne International Comedy Festival shortly. You can visit her website here.
Top Comments
I too have chunky legs. No matter how much weight I lose or gain, they are still short and chunky. It is just the way they are and I am as OK with that as I can be. Sure, I would like them to be smaller but short of a lot of surgery, there is nothing I can do to change them so why worry? I have a great face, nice hair and big boobs that a lot of men seem to love. Surely that is a fair trade? haha
I have of course had many 'well meaning' (code for nasty) comments made about my appearance, mainly by my family. In my late teens I was slightly overweight. When I was 17, I walked into my parents lounge room after getting all dressed up to go out for the night. My dad looked up and said to me "If your legs get any bigger they will rub together when you walk just like your fat cousin's legs." Needless to say, I was crushed as I has spent hours getting ready and actually thought I looked really nice.
What may have just been puppy fat, stuck with me due to the comments as I became an emotional eater. I struggle with it constantly! As an adult, I take responsibility for that but as a teen it was not my fault. What I have come to realise is that until I left school and made my own money, it was my parents who supplied the food that went into my mouth! If I was fat, it was their fault! I wasn't taught about nutrition by them, I was just told to not be fat! I look at pics of myself in school and I was not that big at all. Due to my parent's comments I used to think I was huge! I look back at myself then and can see that there was nothing wrong with my appearance. If I was that 'big' now, I would be cheering!
I also had my brother say to me two years ago (when I was reading a Biggest Loser article) "Well you could do that if you tried, you know?" and my favourite - "I have a deal to make with you. I will quit smoking if you lose weight." This comes from someone who has never had, and never will have a weight issue. Thanks bro!
People need to realise that trying to cover up being mean by saying something is well intentioned is bullshit. Who are you to judge how I look? Are you in the perfect body? No you are not because it does not exist! It is not up to anyone to comment on anyone else's appearance. My parents still do it to complete strangers! They don't say anything but my Dad is not subtle with his disapproving stares. I just think it makes some people feel better to put others down.
The world would be a better place if we could all just take what society's enforced perceptions of 'feminine' and 'beauty' are and throw them out the window. It's no wonder so many women are self-conscious about their body when we are encouraged to change aspects from a young age. Make-up, waxing legs, waxing bikinis, plucking eyebrows, waxing underarms, painting nails, colouring hair, losing weight/staying thin, getting a nose job. I recently met a woman who had had the hair on her forearm lasered...when does it end?!
For my part, I've decided to let the hair on my legs grow until I am no longer ashamed of it. And why should I be ashamed of it?! Evolution has made me this way for a reason. Getting rid of 'unwanted' hair is time consuming, (can be) painful, and serves absolutely no practical purpose. Anyway, my point was about changing society's perceptions and I'm starting with me.
I don't know what pub legs are either, but if they're a part a part of you, and you're a woman, then have no doubts that they are feminine :) If you can use them to stand and walk then that's fantastic!