Smiling assasins. Is there one in your life?

Jenny Wynter Tuesday 4 October 2011 3:10pm

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This is not Jenny Wynter's Grandma.

My grandma, who raised me, may not be to blame for any of my body issues, but that certainly hasn’t stopped her from playing an almost hyper-active role in commentating them over the years.

A mere four days after the birth of my firstborn, when it had only just dawned on me that even after giving birth, you continue to look pregnant for, you know, ever, my grandma cooed at my daughter, then reached over and patted my leg. “Don’t worry darling,” she said, then with a knowing nod, added: “You’ll get the weight off.”

Then there were the positively-framed nuggets of advice, the ones she’d deliver with such a gentle, charming look in her eyes that I would actually believe she was about to offer me a genuine compliment.

“You know what you look good in, Jenny?” “LONG skirts.”

“You know what you look good in, Jenny? DARK colours.”

“You know what you look good in, Jenny? VERTICAL lines.”

I almost tested that last theory once by springing her a vertical line of the finger variety, but decided against it. Good thing too. Lamb roast followed by her famous trifle was on the menu that night and I’d be damned if I’d trade that deliciousness for a moment of bird-flipping glory.

That was the weird thing, you see. She would stuff me full of so much delicious, home-cooked and yes, fattening food that if hunger ever actually struck I thought I was seriously ill, while continuing to offer comment after comment after comment on my weight.  One of my personal faves, namely because it was delivered with such tremendous terror in her voice, was: “Don’t let yourself go, Jenny. Don’t let yourself go.”

The first Sizzler to open in my hometown was marked with not so much celebration in our household, as complete and utter awe. A buffet? All you can eat?

My grandma, having lived through The Great Depression had long instilled in us the catchcry of “Waste not, want not,” could not quite believe it and insisted that we wait for a special occasion to enjoy our first visit.

My sister’s birthday arrived. We opened presents and then set forth to the kitchen for breakfast.

“Stop!” said grandma.

“Huh?” we said.

“Nobody is eating anything. I want you to be nice and hungry for Sizzler! We are going to get our money’s worth!”

Lunch-time came. Absolutely famished, we arrived and finally set forth on the heavenly land known as the salad bar. My grandma giggled through the entire experience, coming back with more and more items which, it seemed, she could hardly believe she’d found.

Plates and several desserts later, my sister and I declared ourselves happily full as googs.

“No you’re not,” said grandma.

“Huh?” we said.

“We’re not having any dinner tonight so you’d better eat up. We are going to get our money’s worth!”

“But grandma, my tummy hur-“

“Uh!” she stopped us. “Listen girls,” she said, leaning forward conspiratorially. “It’s $9.95 a  head for you and $12.95 for me. If we each commit to eating ten servings, that works out around one dollar a bowl!”

Now as an adult, many buffets and pregnancies later, I do find myself looking in the mirror and feeling like a gipped landlord in a “Tenants from Hell” segment on A Current Affair. That is to say, clearly this is not the original condition of the premises.

But, you know what? Even when my grandma’s words stung, I now I realise just how much she taught me:

1) to grow a thick skin. It shouldn’t matter what she, or indeed, anybody thinks of how I look. What matters is what I think.

2) that if all else fails, find a buffet. And do the math. Especially in this economy, a dollar a bowl is one hell of a deal.

Jenny Wynter is a comedian and mother-of-three who blogs at Comic Mummy. She performs her one-woman show on motherhood: “The Unexpected Variety Show” from 27 Sept – 9 Oct at Melbourne Fringe Festival. You can book tickets here.

Is there a smiling assassin in your life? Someone who undercuts you with backhanded compliments? Or straight out insults? How do you deal with it?